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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a +1 invite to a wedding, given I am a bridesmaid?

93 replies

bridesmaidzilla20 · 31/05/2013 14:33

Thank you for your advice and opinions, I'm trying hard to get my head around this one and move on!
I am a bridesmaid (one of three) for a very good friend. When I was asked she told me that my long-term boyfriend was also 'of course' invited (although she actually did not know him that well).
I was very pleased to be asked and have enjoyed going to dress fittings, 'bridesmaid get-togethers', organising the hen, pretending I like the hideous dress she wants us to wear and taking a week off work to help around the wedding itself etc. etc.
Eight months before the wedding I broke up with my boyfriend, and have since got together with a lovely guy, who has met the bride and groom several times. The wedding is three months away and invitations about to be sent out. I mentioned the other night that I wasn't sure whether my new boyfriend would be able to come to the wedding as his work rota is yet to be finalised.
At this point she said that there is no longer any space for me to bring a guest, but they would review the situation after sending out invitations and getting returns. I was really surprised, and said as much - wondering whether I had offended her in some way or whether she wasn't keen on my new boyfriend - she said no, it was just about space. For perspective, they are inviting 150 guests, so not a tiny wedding.
I'm really struggling to understand this, as the other two bridesmaids have +1 invites (although both living with boyfriends) and plenty of other guests have +1 invites......... Am I being unreasonable to expect a +1 invite as a bridesmaid?
I'm trying so hard to suck it up, remember this is her wedding and stop seeing things from my point of view. The difficulty for me is that I felt pretty special when I was asked to be a bridesmaid, whereas now I feel like I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list in my friend's mind.
I really upset her when I told her how I felt, and quickly apologised, but I would like to understand where she is coming from on this?

OP posts:
StrangeGlue · 31/05/2013 15:16

Yabu the others haven't been given a '+1' their partners who the bride and/or groom know have been invited. I know she's met your partner a few times but even at a larger wedding there are lots of difficult decisions to make about who is invited and new boyfriends do come below people who the bride and groom are friends with/relates to.

I can understand you feel miffed but it isn't the case that others are getting something you aren't because your and their situations aren't comparable.

A

RenterNomad · 31/05/2013 15:20

150 places get "used up" sooner than you think, whether you are a young couple (relations and parents' "friends") or past 30 (guests' children).

She was very correct to let you know that there wasn't necessarily a place for your boyfriend, as it would have been unfair to let you think it was all ok (hoping Aunt Mary Quite Contrary and a Contrary Cousin would decline).

However, you seem to be doing a lot for this wedding (a WEEK off?!), and it is hurtful to not have your feelings/ comfort thought of (my DP wasn't invited to a wedding when he was my fiance, and I was quite offended, though kept my mouth shut).

Hopefully, she and her fiance (HE might have used up the place) are not doing this because they take yiu fir granted, but because they allocated a place to someone else - probably with a non-revocable "Save thr Date" invitation. Just wait and watch to see how it turns out before giving up on/ cooling the friendship. Smile

WeAreEternal · 31/05/2013 15:22

I agree with the previous posters, she clearly gave your +1 space to someone else when you broke up with the long term boyfriend.

YANBU to expect a +1 though.

CloudsAndTrees · 31/05/2013 15:24

YANBU.

It's extremely rude not to give a plus one, especially to someone who is part of the wedding party and has made so much effort to help with the wedding.

I would drop out of being a bridesmaid if my plus one had been taken back like that.

ephemeralfairy · 31/05/2013 15:29

A bridesmaid's partner is hardly a 'random'...! I reckon you're well within your rights to be pissed off.

ephemeralfairy · 31/05/2013 15:36

Also FWIW my boyfriend's best friend is getting married this summer. BF is a groomsman. They had originally not given him a plus one as he was single when it was all arranged. Now though they have very kindly invited me as well, because they care about him and they can see that he cares about me.

ephemeralfairy · 31/05/2013 15:38

I suppose it depends on priorities...for me, a good friend who had helped me so much would take precedence over some random second cousins I'd met twice. I really have no patience with this 'family trumps everything' mentality.

Original poster
bridesmaidzilla20 · 31/05/2013 15:49

Thanks everyone for your comments and points of view.
It really helps to get lots of perspectives, mostly I just want to feel better about the whole thing and genuinely feel happy on the day, get rid of any hard feelings I have about the whole thing.
I think this will be easier having heard what lots of people think.
My new bf and I have only been together for a couple of months, so it is early days. I think she is being pulled in lots of directions, with big family pressures, and I wish I could make life easier for her, not harder.
I think what some of you have said is correct - that when I broke up with previous boyfriend they allocated his space to another +1 - although feel a bit weird about this as invitations haven't been sent out yet.
Also, would have massively appreciated if she had had a quick chat with me about it at that point, I would have felt she appreciated how much I might care.
Sort of dreading another wedding where I don't have a dance partner or my special guy to cuddle up with! (worlds smallest violin playing).......

OP posts:
MotherofDragons82 · 31/05/2013 16:44

Don't dread it!

You're going to look fab in a new dress. You'll have your hair and makeup "done" and possibly a tan/nails/whatever too.
There will be free booze and food.
And there will be lots of people you know to dance with and get drunk with.

Enjoy!

squeakytoy · 31/05/2013 16:48

Ask if he can come to the night part as I cant see one extra there making any difference anyway.

Casserole · 31/05/2013 16:49

Dear OP, you sound lovely, but I honestly don't think the bride has done anything wrong. I think you and she think differently about how the +1 thing works is all.

In her mind, it wasn't a case that she gave you a universal +1 to bring along someone else in any circumstance. It was that she intended to invite you (let's call you Emma, why not!) and your ex, specifically. He wasn't a plus 1 to her. He was "Steve" (for arguments sake!). So her guest list read, eg

Me and groom
Mum & Dad
Mad Auntie Brenda
Emma & Steve
Cyril & Horatio
and so on

When you split up, she just took Steve off the list.
That took her total from 150 to 149; so she added on whoever was next on the reserve list. Back up to 150.

Honestly, it isn't personal. That's just how wedding guest lists tend to work. The +1 thing wasn't ever a +1 to her. It was a specific invite to a specific person, who is no longer in her life, so no longer needed it.

Casserole · 31/05/2013 16:54

I reckon he'll end up getting an invite to the day when they get someone who can't come. But if not, definitely ask if you can bring him to the evening.

quoteunquote · 31/05/2013 17:07

I think the bride is rude, guests should feel welcome and comfortable,

It's a red herring have a new boyfriend, so what ?

It is normal to have a plus one, someone who is there as your companion, you will end up being expected to entertain some elderly loan relative.

It a very odd thing to do make someone be alone when they don't have to be,

It's more enjoyable when you have someone to reflect with, have a dance with,

the thing is not only is she making you feel uncomfortable, she will be making your boyfriend feel uncomfortable,

Is she normally so selfish, or is this a bride thing?

I wonder how she would of felt a few years back, if it was you getting married, and you didn't invite her boyfriend, the one she is about to marry, it will be awkward in a few years time if you two decided to get married, would she come, be as she rejected him as no relevance now.

Either she hasn't thought it through, doesn't give a jobbie, wants you to fancy her brother/cousin or she thinks she has a crystal ball and thinks she doesn't see your boyfriend in yours or hers future.

so basically she rude.

BackforGood · 31/05/2013 17:08

I too think YABabitU.
There's a big difference between long term / live in partners of the other 2 bridesmaids, and "We've only been going out for 2 months" of your relationship.
Presumably you will be top table, needed for photos, at the front of the Church or wherever the service is anyway, so it's not like you are going to be together for much of the day anyway. I would have thought in a new relationship he'd be likely to be a bit of a spare part.
If it is a 'do' that goes on into the evening though, maybe he could join you then ?

onedev · 31/05/2013 17:28

I totally understand why you're upset but try not to be, if you can. Ask if he can come in the evening as you won't be spending much time with him in the day anyway.

I had a good friend who was bridesmaid of a friend of hers (who I didn't know). Her fiance wasn't invited although the husbands of the other bridesmaids were! The brides rationale was that she had limited numbers so only invited married couples. Engaged, long term partners etc weren't invited. Unfortunately my friend only found this out when the invitations were sent & was v upset about it as she'd spent ages helping the bride etc (who did know my friends fiancé well) & their friendship never really recovered. If you value your friend, try not to take it personally (although, as I said earlier, I understand where you're coming from & would be upset too!).

Flossie82 · 31/05/2013 17:32

Yabu. What has being bridesmaid got to do with having a plus 1? If anything, better without as they wouldn't be with you a lot of the day anyway. Surely the other bridesmaids have their named partners invited, rather than just plus 1s?

QuintessentialOldDear · 31/05/2013 17:40

Yabu.

The other brides maids have long term partners, and you are on your second boyfriend between her getting engaged and her wedding! Shock
If you broke up tomorrow and you found another bloke next week, would you expect him to come too? Hmm Or heck, because you are a bridesmaid, why not allocate you a +4 to cater for a few flings too!

Alanna1 · 31/05/2013 17:40

Talk to your friend. I can see how it happened (agree with the other posters about reallocating your plus one). The key thing is for your relationship to survive this. If I was your friend, I would take you out to a lovely dinner, explain and apologise, put your boyf no1 on reserve list, invite him to the evening, and double and triple check the people who might not come.

RenterNomad · 31/05/2013 18:04

quote, I'm not sure it's "normal" to have a "plus one" allocated to all, even the wedding party. It's just too much list- uncertainty to have hanging over an organiser's head, not to have a confirmed, named guest. It's an American wedding movie scenario, innit?!

toomuchtoask · 31/05/2013 18:20

I am a bridesmaid in august and didn't get a plus 1. It didn't even occur to me to think about it to be honest. It's the bride and grooms day - not mine. I love them and it's lovely I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

dayshiftdoris · 31/05/2013 18:26

I've never been a Bridesmaid and I've never been to wedding where I wasn't allocated a +1... have even been allocated a +1 in addition to my son... and I've been single for 10yrs...

Sounds weird if you ask me

VelvetSpoon · 31/05/2013 18:45

YANBU.

I think she's been really rude and thoughtless. She should have spoken to you after you split with your Ex, and before giving your +1 away - just to say that was there anyone you would want to invite etc.

At worst now, given that you are her bridesmaid and presumably one of her closest friends, she should be apologising and at least suggesting he comes in the evening, with perhaps a suggestion that (if numbers are really limited) she will try and squeeze him in during the day as well. Not just telling you to suck it up.

I would be tempted to tell her to stick her nasty dress up her arse....

FWIW, I am a bridesmaid for a friend next September. She has already told me she is allowing a +1 for me. I am not even (properly) in a relationship atm, but she has said she is factoring it in, and if much nearer the time I tell her I don't want to bring anyone, she will just reduce her numbers. No biggie.

pigletmania · 31/05/2013 18:56

Very rude, especially as your BM dreadfully rude. I am glad that you told her. She has met your boyfriend a few times too

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 31/05/2013 18:57

I would echo the idea of asking if he can come for the evening do. You'll be busy with bridesmaid duties during the day anyway so it would be a decent compromise I reckon to have him show up later when you can be more coupley.

pigletmania · 31/05/2013 19:00

Max she is BM fgs not just a regular guest, obviously someone who is close to the bride so bride should Bend over to fit him in. All the other BMs have a plus 1 invite, so for op not to have one, incredibly rude