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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a +1 invite to a wedding, given I am a bridesmaid?

93 replies

bridesmaidzilla20 · 31/05/2013 14:33

Thank you for your advice and opinions, I'm trying hard to get my head around this one and move on!
I am a bridesmaid (one of three) for a very good friend. When I was asked she told me that my long-term boyfriend was also 'of course' invited (although she actually did not know him that well).
I was very pleased to be asked and have enjoyed going to dress fittings, 'bridesmaid get-togethers', organising the hen, pretending I like the hideous dress she wants us to wear and taking a week off work to help around the wedding itself etc. etc.
Eight months before the wedding I broke up with my boyfriend, and have since got together with a lovely guy, who has met the bride and groom several times. The wedding is three months away and invitations about to be sent out. I mentioned the other night that I wasn't sure whether my new boyfriend would be able to come to the wedding as his work rota is yet to be finalised.
At this point she said that there is no longer any space for me to bring a guest, but they would review the situation after sending out invitations and getting returns. I was really surprised, and said as much - wondering whether I had offended her in some way or whether she wasn't keen on my new boyfriend - she said no, it was just about space. For perspective, they are inviting 150 guests, so not a tiny wedding.
I'm really struggling to understand this, as the other two bridesmaids have +1 invites (although both living with boyfriends) and plenty of other guests have +1 invites......... Am I being unreasonable to expect a +1 invite as a bridesmaid?
I'm trying so hard to suck it up, remember this is her wedding and stop seeing things from my point of view. The difficulty for me is that I felt pretty special when I was asked to be a bridesmaid, whereas now I feel like I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list in my friend's mind.
I really upset her when I told her how I felt, and quickly apologised, but I would like to understand where she is coming from on this?

OP posts:

VelvetSpoon · 31/05/2013 19:00

I don't think you should have to ask for him to come to the evening though, that really should have been offered as the very least the Bride could do...

pigletmania · 31/05/2013 19:01

I am married and have organised a wedding so know the pressures

MrsAVB · 31/05/2013 19:02

YABSlightlyU. Wedding guest lists are a nightmare, when we got married, it was the only thing DH and I argued and cried about. We had to have some very difficult conversations with people about not bringing bfs, children etc. and some people chose not to come because of this. But that just meant that we had more spaces for people on our reserve list. Neither of my bridesmaids (adults) had plus 1s because they didn't have bfs/ partners.
As a guest at weddings, I've never expected a plus 1 and have been to many without a bf/ DH, even after we've been married. Also ive been a plus 1 at a wedding where i knew absolutely no one apart from my bf, and it was very awkward and dull - far worse than those that I've gone to stag. Will your bf really enjoy it, if you're busy being bridesmaid? The couple will have enough other people giving them grief about their list too.
I can understand why you're disappointed but I think you need to suck it up, sorry!

Xmasbaby11 · 31/05/2013 19:07

YABU, although I do feel sympathy. It's bad timing - your plus one was reallocated. Guests don't get a plus one unless they have an existing partner, in my experience.

I think there's a good chance 1 person in 150 will pull out though, so hopefully he'll be able to come.

phantomnamechanger · 31/05/2013 19:14

I think a bridesmaid should automatically get the courtesy of a +1 regardless - heck, most of my old friends who we did not know if they had a current partner or not, were given a +1

if they cannot accommodate this then they should not be going for the "posh" do - go simpler and invite more people - to us it was more important to have all those who we really wanted there, along with extra guest accompanying them, several of whom we had never met, than to have a posh do. My best friend from school was a bridesmaid and her OH sat on the top table with her too! Would not have occurred to us to do otherwise.

in the OPs case, the invites have not yet been sent out, so the bride can easily revert to plan A and knock 150th guest back off the list into the reserve list.

snuffaluffagus · 31/05/2013 19:21

Sorry yabu, although i can understand where you are coming from. It's expensive having people at a wedding, food, booze etc. We didn't give plus ones to single people or people who had newish partners we'd never met, we just couldn't afford to! If one person gets one, you have to do it for everyone. Harsh as that sounds.

In an ideal world I'd have given my single bridesmaid a plus one but I couldn't justify it. I think she's a bit miffed about it still though as she had a rant recently about not having a plus one for another friend of ours wedding where she's a bridesmaid...

MummytoKatie · 31/05/2013 19:30

To be honest I think he'd have a pretty miserable time at the wedding anyway. He'll have to et ready alone, turn up at the church alone and then sit on a table with people he doesn't really know as you'll be too busy to "look after" him.

I'd ask if he can go to the evening do (which should be much easier to accommodate). By then you'll be "off duty" and the two of you can snuggle up and dance as much as you like!

RenterNomad · 31/05/2013 19:58

Another way to look at it is that I'm not sure I would invite someone who had a partner, and certainly family commitments, to be a bridesmaid. It would have felt like an imposition, and is the reason why bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried (unpartnered) friends. Too much hair-smoothing and frock repairing! When I was a bridesmaid, I had to help the bride with her skirts when she went to the loo!

My BM was unmarried and unpartnered, which was great - no conflict. If she had been with her DP at the time, I might have changed the role to "witness" (for the register), without the other faff.

ShadowStorm · 31/05/2013 20:26

YABU, although I can understand why you're feeling upset about it.

The bride will probably have planned to invite your ex, but then given his invite to someone on the reserve list when you split up. It would have been polite for her to mention that to you at the time, but she probably wasn't anticipating you finding another serious boyfriend so fast.

If it makes you feel any better, my brother didn't get a +1 to my sister's wedding either, as he didn't have a girlfriend when DSis was drawing up the guest list. DSis told him that she was giving his +1 space to someone that she wanted to invite, instead of potentially a random girl that she'd never met and that DBro had only known for a max of a few months.

holidaysarenice · 31/05/2013 20:31

I would not be using a week of precious annual leave for this!

amandine07 · 31/05/2013 20:40

I think you're BU.
Agree with the others who say you just have to suck it up, to an extent. I don't agree with those who say that the bride is being rude, out of order etc

At the end of the day, it's their wedding and they can invite whoever they wish. You are not entitled to a plus one just because you are BM.

Your ex partner was a guest but now no longer is and it sounds like his slot has been reallocated- did you think it would be left open to be filled by anyone of your choice.

MrsAVB I'm in the middle of wedding planning and the guest list is turning into such a pain in the arse. It's the thing me & OH are debating about the most!
He is inviting a lot of current and ex work colleagues who I don't know that we'll at all, I def do not want them all to have a +1

Seriously OP, organising a wedding is tough especially when you know you will not please everyone. Try to support your friend and do not let it drive a wedge between you.
As a compromise I think your OH should be invited to the evening do.

amandine07 · 31/05/2013 20:43

Also, ditch the idea of taking a week's annual leave in the week running up to the wedding- unless it's in the Caribbean or somewhere equally exotic?!

LittleMissLucy · 31/05/2013 20:48

YABU. Your Long term BF was a known quantity, the new guy isn't. I think you have to suck it up and go solo.

I had invited a long term married couple to our wedding and they decided a few weeks before, to get divorced. My friend (the woman) said she planned to bring her BF - who she had been shagging behind her DH's back. I had to say "sorry no, he's not invited" because a) I didn't know him from Adam and b) he was taking the place of my actual friend!

Its not quite the same thing, but I can see it from the brides point of view, if that helps.

WafflyVersatile · 31/05/2013 20:48

Another vote here for logistics. there have probably been untold negotiations over who can and can't be on the list. When your plus one was knocked off this meant MIL to be's best friend from junior school could now be invited. The list having been finalised it's now down to how many decline and how far down the reserves list your BF of two months is.

It's just logistics.

Evening bit is a good idea if he doesn't make the list. It's a bit rubbish being the other half of a bridesmaid at a wedding when you probably don't know anyone else that well.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 31/05/2013 20:49

I had totally missed the thing about taking a week's leave! I didn't even take the whole week off before my own wedding. Think I had the previous 2 days off. Bridesmaids etc arrived the night before.

GreenShadow · 31/05/2013 20:59

It rather surprises me how many people expect partners to automatically be invited.

We had limited numbers and therefore rather than leaving out a friend or relative, had a strict 'no partner we don't know' rule. Unfortunate, but why would we want strangers at our wedding if it meant not having friends.

VelvetSpoon · 31/05/2013 21:24

I think if you've got the brass neck to expect someone to take a week's annual leave to help you out, the least you can do is let them have a +1.

To put it into perspective, whats the rate per head? £50-100 max I imagine. I earn 10x that, I'd honestly feel insulted that my time and effort (and it wouldn't be just that week, it's all the days for shopping, fittings, rehearsals, etc etc, leading up to it too) was held in so little value.

HibiscusIsland · 31/05/2013 21:35

YANBU. I was single when i was a bm and was given a +1 invite so i could bring a female friend. She is very unreasonable, particularly as you are "taking a week off work to help around the wedding." which is way above and beyond the call of duty! I'd go to work that week instead or take it as holiday and not help. Say "There is no longer any time to help."

cerealqueen · 31/05/2013 21:48

What mummytokatie said. Not much fun for him, he'd be better off at the evening do, if there is one?

But, I understad your point of view, the Bride has handled it badly, especially as you sound like you have been a great Bridesmaid so far.

Ask about the evening do.

Alternative is you get very drunk and snog the best man, as expected as part of your duties. .

cerealqueen · 31/05/2013 21:51

Sorry, just read, You take a week off work to help at the wedding and no guest??? Bloody hell, YANBU!!!!!!!!!

RenterNomad · 31/05/2013 22:16

Addressing the question of money, the venue itself will also imply restrictions on numbers. We had a maximum, above which we would have needed to book another dining room - really shit for anyone shunted off there! This was a venue booked at about 9 weeks' notice, after another one had welshed, so we were damned certain we were not moving to yet another venue!

Yet all of our anecdotes and expectations don't prove anything, as they are not specific to your situstion. Your bride and groom might be tactless arses, or may be genuinely regretful, or may not even see an entitlement to a "plus one" (her forthright explanation indicates the last). Just wait and see!

MimiSunshine · 31/05/2013 22:17

I can understand how you feel, I don't think either of you are BU though as it sounds like she reallocated your now ex-bf space.

When I was bm for my best friend I didn't have a +1 as I was single by the wedding. However I was literally the only unaccompanied person at the wedding (not remotely exaggerating) and it was all fine throughout the day as I was so busy until after the wedding breakfast. But I did really feel like the singleton once the dancing kicked in as people started to pair off and I just went to the bar.
So if your bf can come to the reception I think that would be the best option and saves him being alone most of the day

OctopusPete8 · 31/05/2013 22:24

None of my BM's are getting +1's at my wedding, well actually no-one is because we don't have room.

But if other 2 have =1's I can understand it feels unfair.

TuttiFrutti · 31/05/2013 22:24

YABU. Why should they pay £100 per head for someone they don't really know, and who only got together with you quite recently?

2rebecca · 31/05/2013 22:37

I have never had a non-specific plus one invite. If I've been in a serious relationship that person has been invited personally, if I've not been I've just had an invite for me.
If a bridesmaid broke up with someone I wouldn't assume that they could just give their exes invite to someone else and would expect it to be reallocated. If he's a new boyfriend he may feel awkward if invited as he won't be sitting near you if you're a bridesmaid. If it's 3 months to go someone may pull out

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