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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's will.

154 replies

Skinnywhippet · 30/05/2013 22:04

Bit of background- we are relatively young couple in our late 20s and recently started discussing wills. We decided to get a free one in May on the final fling website. I'm on the website doing mine and husband announces that he's leaving 10% of his money etc to charity, but not to worry he'll leave his share of our house to me. Cue me feeling a bit upset. I hadn't even considered leaving anything to anyone other than him. Yes, we have a house, but that has a mortgage on it and it would be tight for me to manage the payments plus everything else.

I know I probably am being unreasonable, but I always want to feel like I am everything to my husband and right now I feel a bit displaced. I don't feel I can say anything to him because it is a charity that he wants to leave the money to and me complaining would be unethical. The thing is, although this is just a simple, free will, I want it to last for at least a year and in less than a year we will be TTC. If the unthinkable were to happen when pregnant then I would hate to think that we were struggling because he didn't leave us all of his estate. Oh gosh I really am over sensitive. Help me p,ease but be gentle!

OP posts:
thecook · 30/05/2013 22:45

*OP

YABU You are in your late twenties and thinking of wills? Good god. I am in my early forties and haven?t thought about one. And I own a 2 bed mews house in Maida Vale which will be paid for before I am 48.

You begrudge a bit of cash to charity? How mean. You come over as a gold digger.

Original poster
Skinnywhippet · 30/05/2013 22:46

He couldn't remember the charity when I asked. If I find out I will post.

OP posts:
fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 22:46

By the way, what would bother me is that there is no 'his money' and 'my money' in our marriage. There is our money. So he would be giving away 'our money'. Heaven forbid he dies before I do, our money becomes mine alone. It's not his to hand out to UNICEF as he pleases! I would honour his wishes to the very best of my ability (even if it's the dogs' home, which it probably flippin' would be). But ain't no one giving away my money without my consent!

PaperLantern · 30/05/2013 22:48

bloody hell, If that genuinely is correct he really does sound like a keeper. TBH if he does nothing if you can't survive paying out a mortgage of about 25k you really need to look at your spending habits!!!

Standautocorrected · 30/05/2013 22:49

Shortly after dh and I married, he came home from work saying he had changed his death in service benefit to include me. It turns out he had 'given' me 25%, dc1 25% and his db 50%. I was very upset and pointed out to him the pitfalls of his generosity to his db. Me struggling to pay mortgage, cope with childcare, loss of dh and the grief of our dc too. Whilst his brother buys a new guitar or similar.
It hurt a lot at the time but it turns out he had not thought it through. Any chance your dh is of the same thinking?

Poosnu · 30/05/2013 22:49

What Anne said - much much better all round to leave a charity a fixed legacy than a share of residue. The latter route should be avoided at all costs (except as a default gift if the whole family were wiped out) for the reasons she gives.

Original poster
Skinnywhippet · 30/05/2013 22:49

Fastyspeedy - I think you have nailed what I have been trying to convey. I think of everything as joint as was shocked when he had clearly made a decision without consulting me.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 30/05/2013 22:54

UABU he could run off with a floozy tomorrow and you'd potentially be left with jack shit.. 10% is not much and if you can't accept that it doesn't reflect well on you. If you were on your own you'd get nothing. The chances of anything happening are slim but you do need to sort out life insurance.

fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 22:58

Ah, Skinny, me too. In which case I would sit down with your DH and talk about money. Talk about how you both view it and how it should be handled and come to a compromise. Because once the kids come along it will only become more complicated, and you two should agree on this. It's a bigger issue than just the wills.

It was generous of him to want to give to charity, and speaks well of his character. But tell him why it bothers you. It will bother you a lot more once you have the babies!

Oh, and get the life insurance. Seriously, that is essential.

PaperLantern · 30/05/2013 23:00

I wouldn't expect to have to consult a partner over what I left in my will. Ultimately that is my choice. I would expect a partner to want to provide for me in their will and to share with me what was in it.

The fact is if the OP's partner's financial situation is as the OP believes it is (and she definitely should see the paperwork to know that is the case and practically to be able to take over easily if the worse should happen) as far as I can she will be really well provided for.

Never too young to talk about wills. friend died young (20s), his partner not only had to deal with her grief but the grief of selling up . Never too young to prepare and protect those you love

PaperLantern · 30/05/2013 23:02

What bearbehind said: advice on my divorce was 75% of the house if your lucky and are caring for children.

this isn't even 10% of the house or estate. OP gets 100% of that.

fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 23:03

Our marriage is different, Paper. It is not my money to give away as I please. It belongs to both of us, equally. And until we divorce or one of us dies, thus it remains. I very much would consult with my partner over spending large amounts of our joint money on anything, dead or alive.

cozietoesie · 30/05/2013 23:03

Wills are practically a hobby in our family. We've nearly all had one since we had anything to leave (before that there were just words of intent) and most of us re-write them every couple of years.

Bearbehind · 30/05/2013 23:06

I don't know that stats but I'm pretty sure there is more chance of you splitting up than one of you dying so I really wouldn't give it too much thought.

fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 23:07

This isn't about one view being right and the other wrong. It's just important that the OP and her DH agree on how money and wills should be handled in their marriage. At the moment, they're not together on this.

Kewcumber · 30/05/2013 23:08

10% isn't much?! Shock

how many of you give 10% of your income to charity?

fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 23:09

Bear - one of the two without a doubt, I should think! And we're not young anymore. It's anyone's guess.

PaperLantern · 30/05/2013 23:10

Statically far more likely to divorce.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 23:11

you ahve a mortgage without life assurance ?

are you fucking crazy ?

forget the rest of it...sort out the basics first, fgs

fastyspeedyfast · 30/05/2013 23:13

People are more likely to divorce than to die?? I pick divorce, then.

cozietoesie · 30/05/2013 23:14

I would be real surprised if there wasn't a life policy in the paperwork somewhere with regard to that mortgage. Companies and banks get commission on insurance so there would be an assumption of purchase/incredibly hard sell at the very least - which the OP would surely have remembered.

PaperLantern · 30/05/2013 23:15

Anyfucker- I would normally agree but the ,mortgage is only 50k in the first place with investments to cover half. my best guess that would make the monthly repayments around £100-150. even if the op had to claim benfits I'd be surprised that wasn't affordable

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 23:17

OP wouldn't get benefits in order to pay a mortgage that would be covered by investments if something happened to her partner, and vice versa

Get the fucking life insurance

it should cost you about 9 quid a month at your ages assuming a clean bill of health

stupidity at it's best

Bearbehind · 30/05/2013 23:18

Seriously OP, this isn't so much about what you are left as about having adequate life insurance that would pay the mortgage off if the worst were to happen to either of you. If that was paid I'm pretty sure you could cover the bills. That should be your priority, not sulking about his generous nature in wanting to leave a small donation to charity.

Bearbehind · 30/05/2013 23:20

fast obviously we are all going to die but at under 30 there must be more chance of them splitting up than 1 of them dying imminently .