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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be pissed off if your friend did this?

56 replies

Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:11

Please be nice to me, I'm already feeling Sad

Friends A, B and I are really good friends from uni. They were bridesmaids at my wedding. I live 30mins bus ride away from A, B lives 2hrs away. So A and I meet up every 3/4 weeks and she's usually very reliable and I've never had 'beef' with her before.

A few weeks ago A said she wanted to meet up with me on a Saturday. I was busy in the day but it was something she could join in with and we thought it would be nice if we invited B along to watch eurovision with us in the evening. So we asked B but she's really busy so couldn't come. I assumed the plans still stood for A and I.

So then a few days before we were due to meet up I asked her what the details were, she couldn't come now because her new boyf was taking her out early for a day trip on the Sunday. I said they could both come and stay at mine if they wanted. They didn't want. Obviously I thought the plans were more set in stone than she did.

So eurovision comes and goes, later that week A texts and says we must meet up, she hasn't seen me in ages. I ignored the text because I was still a bit hurt but thought Iwbu so didn't want to be rude.

Today I recieved another text from her. 'Are you free tomorrow morning?'. I sensed that maybe some other plans had fallen through as she's usually more organised. I said 'I'm free between 9 and 11 but I doubt that's very useful to you' (she's not an early riser). She replied and said 'No, but we haven't spoken in ages, how about we have a phone call in that slot?'. I have a toddling baby so a long phone call at that time isn't really going to work if she actually wants a heart to heart (she hasn't got any kids so might not realise).

Having written all that down it does seem a bit trivial but I just feel that if she so desperately wants to see me she'll ring me before half term and book a date with me or get out of bed to see me. Sad

OP posts:
LittleMissLucy · 30/05/2013 19:13

I think you should talk to her tomorrow and address the eurovision thing going south.
She sounds like a proper, long term friend and its better to clear up this kind of thing rather than let it build.

MadameDefarge · 30/05/2013 19:14

oh dear. You do sound a bit, well, demanding. And childish. She wanted to rearrange? Shit happens. She texted you and you ignored her? How was that not being rude? And then you get all petulant when she tries to plan something with you again?

How old are you? Honestly?

HarrietSchulenberg · 30/05/2013 19:14

I think you're over-reacting. You all have busy lives and it seems to me that A is doing her best to keep in contact.
I can also see why A wouldn't want to bring new bf along to stay on Eurovision night - they want time alone, not in someone else's house.

stiffstink · 30/05/2013 19:15

Why do you have such a rigid booking system?

Maybe she is being spontaneous by suggesting doing something tomorrow? Your two hour slot isn't very accommodating, perhaps intentionally and a bit PA?

flanbase · 30/05/2013 19:18

It's her new boyfriend being her priority and it's like you putting your child first. It's a new dynamic in your friendship and it'll be fine.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 19:18
Hmm

That is a funny way of taking or maintaining any high ground. Any ground at all, for that matter!

Smartiepants79 · 30/05/2013 19:20

Ignoring a text is rude.
Not quite sure what she has done wrong here.
You are in danger of losing a friend here if you carry on holding a grudge.
She has tried quite hard to see you, do you normally plan weeks in advance?
You had some crossed wires and now you seem to be punishing her.
I think it would be best to forgive and forget.
Phone her and make a date!

Sianilaa · 30/05/2013 19:22

I would have been miffed if she'd decided not to come on Eurovision if you'd planned it BUT as long as it's not a regular let-down, it was just one of those things. YWBU to ignore her text rather than say you were a bit upset about her crying off if it bothered you that much. Text or call her back and say the phonecall slot won't work for you because of the children but how about dinner at such and such a time? I think you're slightly overreacting tbh!

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 19:23

Sometimes these things can be upsetting, I know what you mean but I do think in this case you were B a bit U, sorry! As Harriet says you are both busy at the mo with different things. When this happens friends sometimes need a bit of adjustment to accomodate things. It's especially tricky when you have a child and your friend doesn't. I bet you will get back on track though. Have the chat tomorrow. I think she wants to connect with you or she wouldn't have offered to call.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/05/2013 19:25

I think you are the one in the wrong here. You ignored her text and now expect her to do all the running because she made other arrangements on a night where you had some very vague plans that she thought had fallen through?

She is trying to maintain your friendship, it seems like you are the one who isn't.

BreasticlesNTesticles · 30/05/2013 19:28

She has text you and she has asked you when you are free to meet up and you are still in a mood? YABU.

CartwrightMiss · 30/05/2013 19:30

You are being VERY unreasonable.

She is your friend and let you down ONCE - the day trip might have been a surprise for all you know.

And how rude is it to just ignore her text? And I hate the whole I'm so busy because I'm a mum and because you are childless you have no idea.

Twice she has made effort to see you, Get over it!

SilveryMoon · 30/05/2013 19:31

Tbh, I don't really see what the big issue is. Ok, it's a pita when plans fall through, but shit happens.
I think YWBU to ignore the text, and I think you guys should at least attempt a phone call tomorrow morning, and when your toddler needs your full attention just tell her you need to go.

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:31

I'm not holding a grudge, I just feel like she can't really be arsed with me.

We do usually plan weeks in advance, we are very busy. I'm busy from 11 tomorrow because I do get booked up with stuff. This is why I was surprised that she suggested tomorrow because usually her half terms are packed full, so it made me feel a bit second best. Then when I did suggest meeting up early it obviously wasn't that important to her because she declined!

I think I was just miffed because I was really looking forward to watching eurovsion with her, she's such good fun. Then she'd rather stay in with her boyfriend. If she'd said she didn't want to come to begin with then that's fine but it hurt me that she cancelled when she wasn't even going anywhere until the Sunday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:33

I shouldn't have ignored the text, but it was a case of 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:33

But yes, I will get over it and ring her tomorrow.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 19:34

You sound really immature. Sorry.

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:36

Maybe I am Sad

OP posts:
playftseforme · 30/05/2013 19:36

Goodness, you sound like hard work. I'm amazed the friendship has lasted as long as it has Hmm

stiffstink · 30/05/2013 19:37

She didn't decline, she gave an alternative of phoning instead.

livinginwonderland · 30/05/2013 19:37

Well, maybe her boyfriend planned the trip without telling her and she wanted an early night before an early night and a long day on the Sunday?

I really think YABU. She's normally a good friend who had to cancel one time. It happens. Life happens. If I lost friendships just because someone cancelled plans on me once, I'd not have any friends left! She's trying to make amends, let her, and stop holding a grudge over ONE evening.

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:38

Ok, ok. I've got the message, IABU.

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 30/05/2013 19:42

You've over reacted. Maybe she doesn't want to be childless forever (may be you remember how that feels?) so she for one time prioritised her new bf over you. Give her a break, it's not usual behaviour. To be honest, it sounds like YABU.

CartwrightMiss · 30/05/2013 19:42

I shouldn't have ignored the text, but it was a case of 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'.

Why?

You could have text (or better called) and basically been honest and said that you were feeling hurt at being let down.

Friendship involves honesty. I'd want to know if a fried felt let down by me.

And you are holding a grudge. You showed that by ignoring her texts.

She has tried to see you twice now. What do you want, for her to get down on her knees and beg your forgiveness? Hmm

VestandKnickers · 30/05/2013 19:44

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but that's a good thing! Shows none of the people think your friend has done anything wrong. She's still your friend and sounds very keen to see you. Make some time for your friend. You seem quite down and as if you could do with a bit of a lift.

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