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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be pissed off if your friend did this?

56 replies

Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:11

Please be nice to me, I'm already feeling Sad

Friends A, B and I are really good friends from uni. They were bridesmaids at my wedding. I live 30mins bus ride away from A, B lives 2hrs away. So A and I meet up every 3/4 weeks and she's usually very reliable and I've never had 'beef' with her before.

A few weeks ago A said she wanted to meet up with me on a Saturday. I was busy in the day but it was something she could join in with and we thought it would be nice if we invited B along to watch eurovision with us in the evening. So we asked B but she's really busy so couldn't come. I assumed the plans still stood for A and I.

So then a few days before we were due to meet up I asked her what the details were, she couldn't come now because her new boyf was taking her out early for a day trip on the Sunday. I said they could both come and stay at mine if they wanted. They didn't want. Obviously I thought the plans were more set in stone than she did.

So eurovision comes and goes, later that week A texts and says we must meet up, she hasn't seen me in ages. I ignored the text because I was still a bit hurt but thought Iwbu so didn't want to be rude.

Today I recieved another text from her. 'Are you free tomorrow morning?'. I sensed that maybe some other plans had fallen through as she's usually more organised. I said 'I'm free between 9 and 11 but I doubt that's very useful to you' (she's not an early riser). She replied and said 'No, but we haven't spoken in ages, how about we have a phone call in that slot?'. I have a toddling baby so a long phone call at that time isn't really going to work if she actually wants a heart to heart (she hasn't got any kids so might not realise).

Having written all that down it does seem a bit trivial but I just feel that if she so desperately wants to see me she'll ring me before half term and book a date with me or get out of bed to see me. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:45

I will ring her tomorrow and try to make a date to do something. I'm honestly not usually 'hard work'. She obviously didn't realise that I thought it was so set in stone anyway. I was upset because I was looking forward to seeing my friend.

OP posts:
CartwrightMiss · 30/05/2013 19:46

I was upset because I was looking forward to seeing my friend.

And did the grown up thing of ignoring her text why?

VestandKnickers · 30/05/2013 19:48

Leave OP alone. She's already said she'll ring her friend.

Be nice!

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:50

The reason why I didn't text was because I know that arguments via text can get out of hand/taken out of context and I knew it would blow over.

I'm not trying to punish her at all, I just don't want to upset her if I'm annoyed at something unreasonably.

OP posts:
LittleMissLucy · 30/05/2013 19:52

Sounds like you're completely on track to fixing it up.
I think its especially hard with friendships when one of you has DC and the other doesn't. They just never get it, until they have some of their own.

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 19:53

Personally I'd rather have my text ignored than get an arsey reply if someone is annoyed with me.

OP posts:
Asamumnonsense · 30/05/2013 19:54

Despite the 'Eurovision' let down she sounds like she really wants to keep your friendship going and at whatever terms. Like flanbase said, your baby is your priority and she has to work around you so may be you can try and be more flexible and work around her too.
Don't keep this up for too long, you're taking a risk. Especially since you seem to really like her.
Be honest and tell her how you feel about the Eurovision night... and bear in mind that you're over reacting a little.

Asamumnonsense · 30/05/2013 19:56

Sorry! just saw your message! you're on track as LITTLEMISS said.

CartwrightMiss · 30/05/2013 20:01

Personally I'd rather have my text ignored than get an arsey reply if someone is annoyed with me.

I'd rather a friend was being honest with me.

Honesty doesn't = being arsey. Only if you act like a grown up though.

Original poster
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots · 30/05/2013 20:22

There's no point being honest and causing an argument about something so minor. I thought it would just blow over. I was actually trying to be mature by not nitpicking. I didn't want to come across all huffy with her, especially via text because it's the worst method of communication EVER.

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 30/05/2013 20:31

I think you are totally in the wrong here. Sorry. You sound like really hard work.

MadameDefarge · 30/05/2013 23:07

OP, well done for taking it on the chin! I look back on the early years with ds and remember just how hard it was to maintain life...establishing routines that don't drive you mad, resentment at friends without kids...the chasm that yawned between me and them...the madness of sleepless nights...you can feel under siege. And when you do carve out time for an childless mate it is very galling when they flip you for a new bf...but you are at different places. take a deep breath. pull back. She is fancy free and can cancel you at a whim...how galling! and rude! from her point of view you are settled and happy with a gorgeous baby... she has found a new man...maybe she would like these things too...its her right to pursue that dream even if it means dumping reliable settled mates...she can't imagine your life...you can barely remember hers! I do find I had to cultivate a vast tolerance towards my childless friends when ds was small. But as he has got older and I have regained more of myself I totally get the place others are in.

She clearly cares. You care. Don't worry about trifles.

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2013 23:26

Madame Defarge you 'had to cultivate a vast tolerance towards my childless friends'

Do you not think they did that for you? I'm glad you're not my friend, what a horrible thing to say.

ifancyashandy · 30/05/2013 23:36

I have spent the last 16 years being accomodation to friends with kids (I am child free). I have spent more Saturday nights standing in kitchen drinking wine than I can even begin to count. All because my friends couldn't go out but I wanted to see them.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it's

ifancyashandy · 30/05/2013 23:37

I have spent the last 16 years being accomodation to friends with kids (I am child free). I have spent more Saturday nights standing in kitchen drinking wine than I can even begin to count. All because my friends couldn't go out but I wanted to see them.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok for us to blow our mates front room and telly out for a better offer.

YABU.

ifancyashandy · 30/05/2013 23:37

Argh. Half posted too soon. Apologies.

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2013 23:41

Yes ifancyashandy I agree. Apparently tho they were all 'cultivating a vast tolerance towards us' as the uncaring childless.

candyandyoga · 30/05/2013 23:42

Bloody hell you sound like hard work! Grow up!

CartwrightMiss · 30/05/2013 23:54

MadameDefarge what time era do you come from?

Regardless, your post gave me a right laugh - thanks!

samandi · 30/05/2013 23:57

Why did she ask if you were free in the morning if she can't get up before 11? Confused

ifancyashandy · 30/05/2013 23:58

Who knew Owlina?! It still happens now my friends kids are early teens. It's become entrenched in their lives that I will go to them. Mostly, I bite my tongue and see the bigger picture. And sometimes, like OP's mate, I blow them out!

ifancyashandy · 31/05/2013 00:00

*ps. My friends are great & I like spending time with them and their kids. But sometimes I want to go dancing / drinking in dive bars or swanky hotels with others sans kids. And a night watching Eurovision would be motivation for finding such a night!!

MadameDefarge · 31/05/2013 00:09

cartwright, if you wish to take exception to my post, at least do me the courtesy of pointing out which bit gave you a laugh...

You think your childless kid get what you are going through as a new mum? why should they?

Just reality. Tolerance is what get us all through. I was bloody demanding as a friend when ds was little. I'm glad my childless mates stuck with me.

MidniteScribbler · 31/05/2013 00:10

OP, when are you trying to put yourself out for your friends? It seems like you want them to do all the running around and coming to you. Having a child does not mean that everyone has to dance to your tune. They have these marvellous inventions called "babysitters". Try one sometime and go out with your friends if you want to keep the friendship alive. It's pretty boring when people have a child and suddenly they can't be out past a certain time of night, or expect everyone to go to their place and keep their voices down because pfb is sleeping. I do have a young baby, so I know how hard it can be, but you have to make an effort as well.

MadameDefarge · 31/05/2013 00:12

I do suggest you actually read what I said...

new parents are pretty self obsessed. Quite naturally. But it is pretty bloody dull for their childless mates.

Give and take. It that so old fashioned?