Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Men changing mind about having kids?

98 replies

Orangelime79 · 30/05/2013 12:45

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 years. I love him so much and am very very happy with him.

He has been clear from the start that he is not interested in marriage. I do want to get married but it's not the be all and end all to me; also, at the time I was 19 and far too young to care about that. I also had in the back of my mind hoped he might change his mind.

However we had never really spoke that much about children. It all came out last night that he doesn't want children. I come from a very close family, love babies and children and have always wanted to one day have kids. This is not negotiable for me and I will never change my mind.

My boyfriend is only 26, has never had anything much to do with children and does not know any children (no friends' babies, no nieces, no nephews). Is it reasonable to expect that when he gets older he may change his mind?

Obviously at some point I would have to draw the line but I think it would be ridiculous to split up with him over something like this when I'm only 22, not 37 or something. I also really don't want to split up from him - we really love each other. It's also not as easy as just splitting up from him - my whole life is built around our relationship and it would mean I'd have to leave my job, move out of the city and back with my parents, etc.

My boyfriend said that right now he doesn't see himself ever wanting to have children, but in five years there could be a chance he'd feel differently, etc. however, I did have to drag that out of him and he was very careful to make clear that there were no promises he'd ever change his mind.

I don't want kids NOW and even if he agreed with me on everything would wait at least 5 years, would happily wait 10 years if I knew it would definitely happen. He is fully aware of this.

OP posts:

Trills · 31/05/2013 12:13

It's reasonable to say that you don't think you will ever change your mind. You will most likely be right. You are certainly better placed to predict this than anyone else is.

To say that you will never change your mind is kidding yourself that you know more about the future than you really do.

It is unreasonable to say that someone stating "I think I know what I want but it is possible that in the future I may change my mind" is being manipulative rather than honest.

Trills · 31/05/2013 12:14

In the case of the OP's DP, he doesn't think he will change his mind, I don't think he will change his mind, but he is realistically saying that it is within the realms of possibility.

Januarymadness · 31/05/2013 12:25

It is unreasonable to expect someone to change their mind. Both of your feelings are equally as valid.

What you have to do is decide if it is a dealbreaker for you. If it is not then you plod on knowing that it is likely you wont become parents (with the small chance it might be different)

For me it was a dealbreaker and I told him so. There was no point in continuing when I couldnt ever come to terms with never trying for children (There are fertility issues so I knew it may not happen) I walked away.

A few months later he came back having dealt with his insecurities around being a parent. He had decided that it wasnt a dealbreaker for him. We are now married with a dd who we both love immeasurably and both agree she is the best thing that ever happened.

Things can change but it is unfair to expect them to. You can only control your own feelings you cant and shouldnt try to control his.

Dh and I did have a happy ending BUT as much as I love him I would have stayed away forever had he not dealt with his issues.

Januarymadness · 31/05/2013 12:31

Oh I have to add I dont think not wanting children is always the result of issues! With dh it was he initially wanted children but a bout of depression all mixed up with childhood issues made him doubt himself and his capabilities.

TheFuzz · 31/05/2013 15:49

I wouldn't worry about it now, but you'll need to consider it. I have a friend that just before getting married I asked him if he'd got over the difference of opinion on kids with his soon to be wife - she wanted them, he didn't. Lets say they were divorced within 12 months.

FesterAddams · 31/05/2013 17:19

I was this guy at around that age (which is a long time ago now). I didn't want children then, and still don't now. We split up about a year after The Conversation.

My advice is to take him at his word; no-one can say with certainty how they might feel in 5 or 10 years so your only guide is how he feels now.

BTW my exGF now has a happy marriage with three lovely children.

MerryMarigold · 31/05/2013 17:28

My dsis was in a similar situation, although her dh changed is mind after they were married ie. decided he didn't want kids. It was a cause of much heartache. She wondered at points whether to leave, but it was a bit late to get through a divorce and find someone else she could love who would happily want kids. After 10 years his parents finally persuaded him to have a child. She does the vast majority of the work with her dd and her dh is often out doing his hobby at weekends. He refuses to have any more kids even though she would love to, and she knows from his character that it would make their family life so miserable if she puts pressure on that she is not.

So I guess what I am saying is this. He is unlikely to change. If anything, he will become more entrenched. If he is persuaded into 1, it could be the end of your relationship anyway.

My advice: you are young enough to find someone else. Do it as soon as possible.

Spiritedwolf · 31/05/2013 19:47

I understand that some people are the 'just have fun having fun, don't worry about the future' mindset, maybe you are too and that's okay. But that's not me. Why spend years of your life in a relationship you see no future in? Both looking over your shoulders wondering if you are missing out on meeting people who want the same things as you both. It's settling and its not fair on either of you.

I have one friend who was in a relationship with an older guy who didn't want kids. She thought about things seriously and ended it. This year she's getting married to someone lovely who really wants a family as much as she does.

Another friend has just bought a house with a man who has teenagers (nrp) who she doesn't think wants kids - I don't know if they've discussed it properly or not. It could be that she's okay if they don't have children, but I really fear she's going to be hurt.

Whereas my SIL has never wanted children, she's a great aunty and is happy with being married to someone who wants the same things out of life that she does and they are happy with their kittens.

I think the danger here is that because you love him and there's no real push or pull to leave, that you might just carry along with the status quo and then in 15 years wonder where your life went. This is your one shot at living life (reincarnation excluded) and you should do it your way - is that hanging off the arm of someone you hope will change because you are too scared to be single, to build a grown up life independant of him (and your parents)?

That's not staying for the right reasons. Only stay if you can cheerfully give up on the idea of having children, in the full knowledge that he's not willing to commit to marriage either. (Though you can always change your mind).

And folk are right to say that even if you stay you should build a life for yourself apart from the relationship, you want your relationship to be the meeting of two equals with full lives.

I'd want to be available to meet Mr. Right, even if that meant being single though that may be hard at times.

quickdowntonson · 02/06/2013 09:16

A friend of mine has just ended a relationship of 5 years with a man who 'never wanted children.' This was very traumatic for her. Oh, and guess what, within 8 months he has met someone else, and they are expecting a baby!

I do wonder whether some men say they don't wNt children, when what they really mean is that they don't wNt to commit to this relationship. Over generalising I know, but it may have a grain of truth in it?

elinorbellowed · 02/06/2013 10:19

DP and I got together when he was 29 and I was 23. He didn't want children and I wasn't that bothered. I wanted him more than I wanted children plus I had a career to work out. I started to get broody around 29 and he changed his mind (good timing for me!) having spent a lot of time with his nieces and nephews. We had also finally become financially secure, which may have helped. He is the most amazing father.
BUT, it was a huge gamble and it's sheer good timing that our lives, wants and needs coincided this way.

XiCi · 02/06/2013 10:52

I have 2 close friends who's partners were adamant that they didn't want to get married or have children, of course they did, and both went on to with other people. They just didn't have the guts to say I don't want marriage and kids with you, you're not the one!

Listen to what he is saying to you and don't waste your 20s hoping things will change

MothershipG · 02/06/2013 11:31

Even if you don't make a decision about staying or leaving please have a very serious and frank conversation about what will happen in the event of a contraceptive failure. If you wouldn't want to terminate a pregnancy you have to make that really clear to him and make him really think about what he would want to do in those circumstances.

I was in a similar situation to you, with a similar age gap, when I hit 30 he still wasn't ready, we had a sad, but amicable split, I found DH, who'd been under my nose, and we have 2 DC. In some ways I wish I'd made the decision earlier and started my family sooner, but I was lucky and it worked out ok for me.

XiCi · 02/06/2013 12:10

I know that these answers are probably really unpalatable to you OP but I think you really do need to look at how and why you are so dependent on your Bf.

Why would you have to leave your job if you seperated? Why would you have to leave the city and move back with your parents? You are 22, if you are old enough to live with a man you are old enough and capable enough to live in your own flat, make your own friends and have your own life.

Its really not a healthy thing to have your whole sense of wellbeing and happiness tied up in another person, that needs to come from yourself

Runninglife · 01/07/2016 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poxworrier · 01/07/2016 07:40

Hmmn he is still young and lots of young men don't fancy kids much. Then they get to their 30s and even 40s and get broody when all their mates do. I think you are young to be making this decision now. You have plenty of time yet. I do agree there are lots of men who say no marriage and kids then boom they meet someone else and do it all with them! So if you were in your 30s i'd be telling you to put it on the line with him. But realistically you may well not end up with him anyway and i have a feeling this will work out naturally. You'll get more into marriage and kids as your friends do it all and he either will or won't. I had a similar position in my late 30s with my divorced new partner..time running out. He did it for me and now we have a beautiful toddler who has pulled the family even closer. I def would have been too resentful to have stayed and given up my chance of kids.

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/07/2016 07:55

Zombie!

allnewredfairy · 01/07/2016 08:08

Oh bloody hell! Just worked my way through this thread...I wonder what the OP decided to do

onecurrantbun1 · 01/07/2016 08:12

The reason you date people and have boyfriends rather than committing to the first bloke you fancy is to find outif you have similar values and hopes for the future. It seems that you two don't. I don't believe in issuing ultimatums but it is worth reiterating how important marriage and babies are to you, giving him a bit of time to think it over and if you're still not on the same page then think about splitting up.

I have always actively wanted children and although I was only 18 when we met it was something DH and I discussed early on. Personally I could not have built a life with someone who didn't want those same life goals.

I do feel for you - unfortunately these big questions are binary choices and can't really be compromised on.

onecurrantbun1 · 01/07/2016 08:14

Arghhhh cant believe this is a zombie! Running life sorry to hear you're in this predicament too

Trills · 01/07/2016 08:22

OP is 25 now not 22, I hope she worked things out and that her life is no longer built entirely around her relationship.

poxworrier · 01/07/2016 08:31

Ah yes zombie! Oh well hope this helps anyone searching mumsnet on a similar theme !

BlurryFace · 01/07/2016 08:46

My DH was your DP's age when we got together, and within a couple of weeks of dating we laid our cards on the table and said that we both had marriage and kids as long term goals.

I think it's cruel to yourself and him (more so to yourself, as in a decade your fertility will have more of a time limit) to build plans, get pets, loans, joint property etc when you're taking a big gamble that could end up with him changing his mind, or you getting depressed and resentful. What if you get pregnant by accident? Will he demand you abort even if you want to keep it?

Piemernator · 01/07/2016 09:20

Regarding the post upthread about men not having to marry to get sex these days and having to pay maintenance. When I was a child all of the children in my class had parents that were married and it was shameful to be a child born out of wedlock. I can't help but think that though the comments about men not wanting to commit because of money are horribly unsavoury maybe that is the case.

Flip

1 2 3 4