Men changing mind about having kids?

[Orangelime79]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 years. I love him so much and am very very happy with him.

He has been clear from the start that he is not interested in marriage. I do want to get married but it's not the be all and end all to me; also, at the time I was 19 and far too young to care about that. I also had in the back of my mind hoped he might change his mind.

However we had never really spoke that much about children. It all came out last night that he doesn't want children. I come from a very close family, love babies and children and have always wanted to one day have kids. This is not negotiable for me and I will never change my mind.

My boyfriend is only 26, has never had anything much to do with children and does not know any children (no friends' babies, no nieces, no nephews). Is it reasonable to expect that when he gets older he may change his mind?

Obviously at some point I would have to draw the line but I think it would be ridiculous to split up with him over something like this when I'm only 22, not 37 or something. I also really don't want to split up from him - we really love each other. It's also not as easy as just splitting up from him - my whole life is built around our relationship and it would mean I'd have to leave my job, move out of the city and back with my parents, etc.

My boyfriend said that right now he doesn't see himself ever wanting to have children, but in five years there could be a chance he'd feel differently, etc. however, I did have to drag that out of him and he was very careful to make clear that there were no promises he'd ever change his mind.

I don't want kids NOW and even if he agreed with me on everything would wait at least 5 years, would happily wait 10 years if I knew it would definitely happen. He is fully aware of this.

as the woman gets older her opinion will inevitably be forced to change as her child bearring years diminish.

Not true, and actually quite offensive.

As you say you've got ages. You will both change. Not necessarily changing your mind on these issues, but you will still change a great deal. You sound like you're very in love, in a wonderful young and carefree way. If I were you, I'd just enjoy that as much as I could and stop worrying about the longer-term for now. It's good that he doesn't want to get married (yet) as that won't force the issue. You could easily leave the big decisions till 30 was looming and still have plenty of time. And whether you'll still be together by then, who can say? I loved my live-in boyfriend too very much at 22, but by 25 I'd met the man I would marry and have kids with. No one could have told me that of course. But if there's one thing to take away from all this it's to enjoy what you've got right now. And don't marry him until you're sure you both want the same things!

Yes, stuck, I would agree, except that the OP is only 22 and has no need to panic about age/declining fertility or any such left-on-the-shelf terrors yet. She can spend at least the next five years fulfilling herself in whatever ways she pleases and finding out more about what she wants, without any worries about being left childless and unloved. That's v bleak.

So, he may change his mind, he may not. You don't want kids right now so in the present moment there isn't a problem, in one sense.

But the big question seems to be: can you stay in a relationship that isn't, as it stands, heading in the direction you want? I am a big planner/forward thinker and would find it hard tbh. DH and I spoke about children early on in our relationship (early twenties), agreed we wanted them whilst still fairly young, and had them mid/late twenties. Our views didn't shift in any major way.

But saying that I have friends whose DH's didn't want kids, and now have them and are happy.

' in five years there could be a chance he'd feel differently'

I would take an opportunity at some point to discuss this with him a bit. Why does he think he might change his mind in five years? Why not two years, or ten? Why not now?

Otherwise, what Stuck said - build up your own life so that very little not everything is based on him, and revisit in a couple of years.

My experience was that in fact I always wanted kids, but it was a low-level want while I was in my early 20s, so much so that I didn't really pay much attention to it. When I met a lovely man, fell in love and settled down, my desire for kids went through the roof. Unfortunate as he was initially unsure about kids, then certain he didn't want them (before we married). I thought I loved him enough. I didn't.

oh btw I know several guys who didn't want children in their early 20s. They still don't, in their early 40s.

It would be a deal breaker for me but that's because I knew at a young age I wanted marriage and kids. At 22 I had my ds1 and ds2 at nearly 24. My DH and I had discussed this before we even moved in together as I knew right from the start it was very important, it was also in the back of my mind when I was dating other guys before him. Luckily it was also as important for dh.

I think you need to decide whether you can go forward with the relationship knowing that if you never had kids you could be happy and not become resentful at him. Its such a personal decision but I certainly wouldn't stay in hope he will change, you have to love someone for exactly who they are now not for the person you think they can be.

I think you shouldn't make concrete life plans that are based on the possibility of someone else changing their mind about their life.

That's a gamble with high stakes. It's not a £1 on a charity raffle. I think you should widen your life as other people have said. Do not stick all your eggs in this one hypothetical basket.

^That wasn't supposed to be a pun on women's eggs.

Taking a separate issue from children - do you really feel you would need to leave your job, your city and go back to your parents? It's always lovely to know our parents will take us back - I'm not saying it's wrong to move home - but why could you not live your life in your current city? If you have a job you could presumably rent your own place or join a flatshare and have some time as a single young woman with the world at her feet. Knowing that you are capable of doing that might give you confidence to do all sorts of things.

Maybe - and irrespective of the question about children - it would be worth developing your options so that if you sadly break up at some point you have as much independence and as many options open to you as possible and don't feel that you need leave town - especially valuable if you happen to really like the city you are in.

On the question of children - I'd agree that you don't have to make a decision right here right now. But I think it's worth being very conscious of how the situation develops - if there are any signs that your DP might be open to children or even keen on them at some point. You just need to be clear eyed and realise that he may well not change. Some people do change and some don't ever. If there is no sign of change by the time you are mid-twenties and he is early thirties then personally I'd be inclined to accept that is how the land lies and accept the fact that I would have to make some painful decisions at that point. The advantage would be that you would still have lots of time on your side, though it would be even more painful to split a few years on from now.

I think this is something that should always be discussed early on in a relationship tbh. Just like your views on all other things- music, films, politics, sport etc. This is a view which is EXTREMELY important to know. Yes it is true that some people change their mind on it just as other opinions and views change as you get older but I would say that MOST people don't change their mind on this.

I mean when I was a teenager even I knew I wanted to have them some day and if someone asked I would always tell them that. I'd never have said I didn't want them so i'm almost certain that by 26 a person is surely certain on which side of the fence they stand?

Imo this is a make or break situation. You could stay with him for another 10 or even 15 years and find he still doesn't want children and then you'd have to find another man, be with him for a while, settle down and then TTC meanwhile your fertility is dwindling. I'd probably leave it no more than 5 years. You'll be 27 and he'll be 31, if he hasn't changed his mind and having children means more to you than he does then leave. Won't be easy but you can't live with a regret like that forever. Just keep in mind that there's a big chance he won't change his mind.

I totally disagree that this is make or break now. If she was gagging to have kids now, fair enough. But although she knows she wants kids, she doesn't say she's always wanted to be a young mum and is happy to wait a while and live her life first. So why break up on a principle when they're very happy as they are? It's nuts.

LOTS of people change their minds about having kids. I was 32 when I had my first DC and right up until the pregnancy test I still wasn't sure I wanted kids. Many blokes have this feeling magnified by a million! As far as I can see, the OP isn't making any "concrete life plans". She's just young and in love. The only concrete thing is them living together and that's easily undone. There's no pressure from any direction to make things more concrete so why the hurry to make or break anything?

Well now you know, you have had a good run, but if you want children you are with the wrong man.

Sad, and you will go through a grief period where you say good bye to the life you had envisaged with him.

Never put off having children if you want them and if it is important to you,

it's not a done deal everyone who wants them, get to have them, so many of my friends have done that put it off, then discovered too late that means they will not be having children,

Your five year plan and ten year plan doesn't match his, find someone who has the same outlook.

It will kill the relationship anyway if you later discover you have compromised yourself out of children.

And make sure your contraception is more than adequate in the mean time (condom, cap,pill,coil get a combination going), massive mistake to have children with someone who will resent the process, you will want the best for your child (that will be all consuming drive once you are a mum), the best is really someone who is a 100% into the whole shebang.

I know quite a few men who have stuck to the no children rule, and it ended up with the woman not having children, and him off with someone younger and a rapid succession of babies, very painful for the woman.

Seen a few failed cycles of IVF, baby hopes dashed, and the man now into the idea, goes off and gets to parent.

think about your one year, five year, ten plan, and stick to it, if he doesn't jump on board sail without him

I have a friend who doesn't want kids and is always open from the start with women he dates. His last three or so relationships have followed the pattern of the woman being ok with this in the beginning because they have plenty of time to worry about such things, then realising that actually she would like kids reasonably soon but thinking he'll change his mind and then eventually realising this is never going to happen. His mid thirties now so I guess his current girlfriend is too. I keep telling him that he should break up with her because by the time she realises that he's never going to change his mind it might be too late for her. He thinks it's fine because he's been upfront about it.

All of this is coming from the only person who actually knows me who has told me that I'll change my mind about not wanting kids. How can he say that he never wants kids and expect his girlfriends to understand that he is never going to change his mind when he expected me to change my mind?

we seen a few of those unfold QueenStromba

I know one guy who despite having the snip, had various girlfriends want him to have a reversal. Each time you had to wonder why they were so blinked to his choices, he a lovely guy would make a great dad, he just really doesn't want to be one.

I also know of two men who have had the snip, but have "forgotten" to mention it within relationships, very unfair. One has children already, the other just doesn't want them.

I was with someone from the age of 25 to 36 and he only started agreeing to having kids when I left him. Sad but true.
Then I had to have IVF with my new partner.

This is a worst case scenario but personally if I could go back and change things I would have left my previous partner when I was about 30, I knew things weren't right but we'd set up home by then. Worst mistake I made was buying a house with him when I could have done it on my own.

Everything is easier to see in hindsight though.

Yeah Beta, those damn women, with their legal rights financially penalizing men and making them support their own kids.
What man is his right mind would want to settle down, knowing he may be FORCED to pay money to his children, should he feel like leaving them.
Witches, the lot of 'em.

Seriously, I wouldn't worry about it yet. You are too young to ditch a msn for that reason imo.
Having said that, I can't think of anyone I know who said they never wanted kids in their twenties, but has them now.
I can think of lots, male and female, who always wanted them, but never met the right person.
My friend is currently back together with her ex. He doesn't want kids, she does. She is 38. I am thinking of sitting her down and saying "you are making a huge mistake" because I worry she will regret it so much.
But, anyway, you have years of relationship drama ahead of you, so dont worry too muchfor now.

I had no interest at all in kids in my 20s and was sure I never wanted them. I did change my mind in my early 30s. I then waited a few years for my husband to be ready and now we are struggling and having IVF treatment. Who knows if it would have been different if I hadn't waited for him to be ready. BTW, just as he came round to the idea I was preparing to leave him because of this issue (I didn't give him an ultimatum but had one in my own mind).

Not surprisingly, many young men are responding to these increased legal rights that women have gained by deliberately refusing to be married and have children.

What a bitter, resentful little rant. Can you cite any studies or statistics to back up your bizarre assertions?

OP you're still so young! You do have time on your side at the moment. It's not impossible that your partner will change his mind. As he's only in his mid 20s, I wouldn't write the idea off yet. If he was a few years older then I'd take him at his word.

Maybe give it 5 years and then if he still feels the same way, move on and don't waste time trying to change his mind.

Catlike - I'm not bitter or ranting. I am married, have children and am very happy and always wanted that and talked about it before me and DW got married. Some men want children and some dont and women have no way of forcing them to want them.

Its a modern phenomenon that young women are facing. Its happening for a reason. Not all young men are like this and some want children and marriage like I did. Some young men refuse to commit because they dont want to risk the financial penalty whereas in the past a men could walk away from a marriage and children with little penalty. They cant do that now so they have found another way of avoiding commitment.

DH ex could have written your post OP.
I met her once and she was gobsmacked that he was both married and a father twice over.
According to him, it was just that he didn't want to marry or have kids with her, it was just easier to say he didn't want them at the time.

It's an oldfashioned view but if he really loved you as much as you love him, he would be willing to marry you and to agree to at least one child.
Anything less is 'having his cake and eating it' and since you know you do want kids 110%, I would say LTB.

I had my kids late despite meeting when DH when at University but there was always an agreement that we would go for it one day. The biological clock is a real issue. You need to start in your early thirties at the latest as miscarriages etc are common after years on the pill.

It's a sad day for feminism and women's rights, when women act against their own interest to let men 'have their cake and eat it'...flame me - I care not a hoot.

I am in my late 30s and my friends have been / are going through similar things. I know women who have waited and waited in this situation.

In some cases, the man changed his mind and they went on to have children.

In other cases, he has not changed his mind, and the woman has eventually left him.

In other cases, he has changed his mind but they had left it too late and were unable to have children naturally.

I don't know which way it would go in your situation, but you don't seem to have compatible dreams.

I guess there is also the possibility that the OP's boyfriend simply doesn't want marriage or kids with her but if another person came along he might be really into the idea with that person.

I have seen this scenario more than once.