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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men changing mind about having kids?

98 replies

Orangelime79 · 30/05/2013 12:45

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 years. I love him so much and am very very happy with him.

He has been clear from the start that he is not interested in marriage. I do want to get married but it's not the be all and end all to me; also, at the time I was 19 and far too young to care about that. I also had in the back of my mind hoped he might change his mind.

However we had never really spoke that much about children. It all came out last night that he doesn't want children. I come from a very close family, love babies and children and have always wanted to one day have kids. This is not negotiable for me and I will never change my mind.

My boyfriend is only 26, has never had anything much to do with children and does not know any children (no friends' babies, no nieces, no nephews). Is it reasonable to expect that when he gets older he may change his mind?

Obviously at some point I would have to draw the line but I think it would be ridiculous to split up with him over something like this when I'm only 22, not 37 or something. I also really don't want to split up from him - we really love each other. It's also not as easy as just splitting up from him - my whole life is built around our relationship and it would mean I'd have to leave my job, move out of the city and back with my parents, etc.

My boyfriend said that right now he doesn't see himself ever wanting to have children, but in five years there could be a chance he'd feel differently, etc. however, I did have to drag that out of him and he was very careful to make clear that there were no promises he'd ever change his mind.

I don't want kids NOW and even if he agreed with me on everything would wait at least 5 years, would happily wait 10 years if I knew it would definitely happen. He is fully aware of this.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2013 19:17

Others have described all the likely scenarios. I've seen the 'man doesn't want children, 15 year relationship splits, two years later he has a baby with new partner, woman doesn't' and I have seen women who were adament they didn't want children change their minds mid-30s and have them.

Why does he not want to marry? Do you really know? I'd just share something a male friend (with whom I've often disagreed) once said. Food for thought anyway. 'Women living with a bf behave as if they're as good as married. Men living with a girlfriend think 'wahey, all the advantages and none of the commitment of marriage'. Certainly men who do feel that way can find it surprisingly easy to shrug off a ten-year relationship as 'just something convenient I was doing in the meantime, was never really right', either out of boredom or to go for 'the one'.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2013 19:17

Something of a XP with FryOneFatMatic there.

Jan49 · 30/05/2013 19:26

If he doesn't want to marry or have children, that maybe suggests he doesn't want commitment?

Or it may suggest he doesn't want those things with YOU and will change his mind when the right woman comes along.

If you did split up with him, you still have a life there. You have a job. You could live independently. Moving back in with your parents and having to change jobs sounds like a backward step. You say your whole life there is built around your relationship with him, so you've built a lot around him yet he is unwilling to make any commitment to you. How does he see his future with you? Does he imagine you both growing old together but without being married or having children? If he doesn't, I think you should be planning your exit. Actually I think you should be planning your exit anyway because you want children and he doesn't. Sorry.

TheNorthWitch · 30/05/2013 19:41

You are 22 now if you hang around say 5 years till 27 you might still get a 'no' to marriage and children. That is not leaving an awful lot of time to meet someone, have a few years with them and have children. You just need to read the online dating threads on relationships to see that finding a man who wants even a relationship never mind DCs is no easy task - it can take years. Be careful you don't waste 5 years of your precious time on someone who is getting everything his way.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 30/05/2013 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 30/05/2013 21:57

"Some young men refuse to commit because they dont want to risk the financial penalty whereas in the past a men could walk away from a marriage and children with little penalty."

Oh gosh, you mean we've legislated to protect women and children from men being utter shits? How terrible. Tell me Beta, why do you think men who father children should be able to walk away from that responsibility?

If you don't want to get married and have children, be open with your partner. If your partner wants drastically different things, be strong and kind and end it. Find someone you're compatible with. But don't lead someone on and drag your relationship, limping and useless for years and years. Be honest and do the right thing.

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/05/2013 22:08

At 26 I didn't want to get married or have children. Now I'm 31 and about to get married and start trying for a baby. It's a tough call, he might change his mind he might not. If you imagine yourself in the future with a child but without the man, or with the man but without the child, which one makes you feel happier?

foreverondiet · 30/05/2013 22:19

If having kids is important to you, cut your losses now and leave him. You have plenty of time to find someone else who does want them. He's unlikely to change his mind and you are unlikely to change yours. Yes you are young but look at this as an advantage ie you haven't wasted your potential childbearing years with this man.

Minshu · 30/05/2013 22:47

Say bye-bye, say it soon. Enjoy yourself for a few years and you'll probably meet someone with similar long term aspirations while you're still young. I know a couple of women in their thirties who are fooling themselves about their DPs changing their minds, and it's painful to watch.

MoreBeta · 30/05/2013 23:01

StuntGirl - I dont think that men should be able to walk away.

I think the new legal protections women have gained though have made men much more careful. However, it has not made men more honest - they still want the option to walk away and hence there are more women who find themselves in this situation. The man is presumably being careful with contraception and refusing to marry but enjoying what he wants in the relationship.

I'm only saying what I think young men are doing. Why they seem increasingly unwilling to marry and have children. I am not bemoaning it or condoning it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2013 23:08

" Is it reasonable to expect that when he gets older he may change his mind?"
I would call that a very, very unreasonable expectation.

"Obviously at some point I would have to draw the line but I think it would be ridiculous to split up with him over something like this when I'm only 22, not 37 or something."
At 37, you'd have been together for 18 years. In what way would you find it easier to split then, than you would now, after 3 years?

"my whole life is built around our relationship and it would mean I'd have to leave my job, move out of the city and back with my parents, etc."
Why would you have to leave your job? Why could you not find somewhere else to live (maybe flat-sharing for financial reasons), move out, but keep your job?

"My boyfriend said that right now he doesn't see himself ever wanting to have children, but in five years there could be a chance he'd feel differently, etc. however, I did have to drag that out of him and he was very careful to make clear that there were no promises he'd ever change his mind."
You had to drag it out of him? I would therefore assume that he said it purely to shut you up. Because he knew that if he didn't give you some hope, you'd just keep on and on about it. But even so, he made it clear that he was promising NOTHING AT ALL.

He is being honest with you - he has made it clear he does not want children. Accept that he knows his own mind.

ShellyBoobs · 30/05/2013 23:15

...if he really loved you as much as you love him, he would be willing to marry you and to agree to at least one child.

How many threads do we have on MN about feckless fathers who get women pregnant and then piss off into the sunset leaving them to it with their unwanted children?

And yet you think the right way forward, if he loved OP , would be to have a baby with her that he didn't want to have?

Anything less is 'having his cake and eating it' and since you know you do want kids 110%, I would say LTB.

So now he's a bastard for being honest about his thoughts on being father.

MN at its best...

bouncysmiley · 30/05/2013 23:21

My dh said the same thing to me before we married. It was a deal breaker for me and we separated. It was very painful but it focused us. He changed his mind and we are happily married and he's a great dad. Value his honesty it shows strength of character. Be honest with yourself and walk away if it is a deal breaker. If it's meant to be he'll come back to you.

FairPhyllis · 30/05/2013 23:23

If your whole life is built around this relationship (never a good idea), then you are going to find a lot harder to leave 5 years down the line when it is totally clear he will never change his mind. Your lives will be even more enmeshed together and the fact of that might stop you from leaving and having the kind of relationship you really want.

Why would you have to leave the town where you are if you split up? Even if you can't afford a flat by yourself you could flatshare - loads of people in their 20 and 30s do this.

It's not a LTB because he isn't a bastard. But you are incompatible on two of the most important things and for that reason you should consider leaving. The having children thing will only become more important to you, not less.

rabbitlady · 31/05/2013 01:46

if you stay with him you won't get married and you won't have children.
is that ok?

if not, plan and leave. give yourself a 3 month deadline, not three years.

you are young now. at 25 you'll feel less young. at 28 your fertility will be poised for decline. after 31 you'll have a reduced chance, statistically (allegedly, though i can't remember where i read it), of marriage.

don't hang around. move on.

sashh · 31/05/2013 03:33

This is not negotiable for me and I will never change my mind.

So why do you think he will?

Lweji · 31/05/2013 04:57

He's keeping you on a string on the remote possibility that he might change his mind - and he probably just said it to shut you up.
And you are staying with him because you don't want to lose your job and fear the upheaval in your life.

The thing is that 37 will come sooner than you think, and then you'll end up with a desperate post in MN.

It's easier to restart at 22.

And for the future, try not to build your whole life around a relationship, particularly if he has said he doesn't want kids or to get married.

Lweji · 31/05/2013 05:00

I do have to say that I have met a few men who didn't want to get married or to have children.

Until they met "the one".

Be kind to you and him and break it up.

Lazyjaney · 31/05/2013 07:46

Thinking back to my early - mid 20's I can't remember many of tbe men (and women for that matter) I knew then who were that interested in marriage and kids. Careers, fun etc were what we were after then.

By the late 20s/early 30s most had changed their minds and babies started to appear, but some hadn't and at that point a few couple split. And yes, we had all the stereotypes - desperate women not finding The Man, men who settled down in months with a new woman etc etc.

Truth is OP, your BF probably is being as honest as he can be, but you don't really have to worry at your age, but do try and build a more independent life IMO.

I also do think MoreBeta has a point, and that some of the laws will have unintended consequences. I have teenage sons, and if I put myself In their shoes I can see marriage is a very unattractive option.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 31/05/2013 08:17

ukatlast says: "It's an oldfashioned view but if he really loved you as much as you love him, he would be willing to marry you and to agree to at least one child."

No, it's not old fashioned, it's bullshit. How about if she really loved him as much as she loves her, she would be willing not to get married and to agree not to have any children?

Sorry, but whenever I see that "if he loved you enough" card trotted out it makes me mad. It just doesn't WORK like that.

*Lweji" - I have known three men who didn't want children ever. All have been with their partners for over 20 years, two of them are married.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 31/05/2013 11:20

Good lord, this is all very doom and gloom! As for it not bring easy to meet a good man when you are 27, I know I met several at that age!( i picked the wrong one, but that was my poor judgement, not me being " on the shelf")
Chill! Who knows what might happen in the future. Life is a twisty turny road of surprises. Don't worry yet. But i agree that a man being you whole life is not healthy.

Trills · 31/05/2013 11:32

I don't feel that he has necessarily said that he might change his mind in future to "shut her up", I think it's being honest and realistic.

Someone who says that they will never change their mind on an issue is being naive.

Finola1step · 31/05/2013 11:36

Hi Orange. I think the bigger issue here is the fact that your life is so entwined in this relationship that it would be difficult for you to leave.

I don't think the situation is a deal breaker right now. Work on establishing yourself in your own right over the next few years. That way you are building a much healthier situation for yourself whether the relationship is long term or not.

beenhereayear · 31/05/2013 12:03

I was 26 when I told my OH I wanted to have children, he didn't (he is 12 years older). I did end up saying I couldn't give that up for him and after much soul searching he agreed to having one DC.
Three DC later and he says it's the best decision he ever made.
I would tell him it's not something you are going to change your mind about but you are happy to give it a couple of years and talk about it again.
If in a couple of years he is still no closer it's time to maybe re-think. A lot can happen in life and at your young age I wouldn't let it effect what sounds like a good relationship.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 31/05/2013 12:08

trills I don't think that's necessarily true. I know several people, men and women, who are childfree and say they have always known they never, ever wanted children. They knew it when they were 16 and never once changed their mind. Yes SOME and possibly MANY will change their minds but I think it is equally naïve to suggest some people don't know their own minds and bodies.

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