Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect people to think a bit before asking

81 replies

CaipirinhasAllRound · 29/05/2013 13:26

a couple in their mid/late 30s who've been married for almost 6 years if they think they would like to have children one day?!

OP posts:
LifeofPo · 29/05/2013 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 29/05/2013 13:31

Nobhead here then.

I think it would be insensitive if you had just met someone. But if I had known someone a while I might bring it up. Just trying to think if I have done with anyone, but can't be sure.

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 13:33

I think the only thing you can say is 'if it were that easy, eh?' hopefully they will get the 'hint'.

PeazlyPops · 29/05/2013 13:35

YANBU.

In a similar vein, people who ask "when are you having another" shortly after a long-awaited IVF baby.

ElleMcFearsome · 29/05/2013 13:35

I get so sick of it. And it's always me be being asked, never DH. I have 2 DDs from a previous marriage and would dearly love to have one with DH but after 3 years of trying it seems unlikely. I loathe people who ask...

Gusthetheatrecat · 29/05/2013 13:36

It's beyond rude IMO. I remember my Mum telling me when I was a child that you never, ever ask people if they plan to have children because you never know. It was quite easy to remember, and once you are an adult it only takes the smallest amount of empathy to think what a world of pain you might cause with the question. Having three children myself, I try to be aware of secondary infertility and never bang on about the joys of siblings to anyone with just one child, just in case.

Amrapaali · 29/05/2013 13:37

I know just a couple like this- both late thirties, he is early forties I think. Professionals, both are fun to be with and I have a strong feeling that they are "trying" hard for a baby. But it would never, ever occur to me to ask what their plans are. I've known them for more than 6 years.

I vowed not to be a knobhead, because I've had many people ask me this and the question always made me squirm and/or panicky.

Bananapickle · 29/05/2013 13:38

Like Bowlersarm I would only ask the question of someone I knew very well. I have made the mistake of asking a friend if she wanted another and later found out she'd had a miscarriage, I felt awful and have reviewed my approach to this topic.
YANBU - some people don't think before they ask what to them is a simple question.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 13:41

Even if you know them well, it's rude and none of your business. YANBU.

Tanith · 29/05/2013 13:45

I've been told before that I'm selfish for having a 10 year gap between DS and DD.
I have had 8 pregnancies... Angry

SouthernerinMCR · 29/05/2013 13:46

YANBU . When you consider that roughly 1 in 6 couples suffer with infertility it never ceases to amaze me how insensitive people are. I think it might be that many of us who have to deal with this do so in silence and so many people are unaware of how many of their friends and family are dealing with this painful issue. After 6 years of trying we successfully conceived but I still vividly remember avoiding family events, facebook, babies that were brought in to work etc because I couldn't deal with the constant questioning about when we were going to start a family. Even when people knew you would get the most stupid comments about just relaxing and "it would happen". Then there were the infertility tests held in the ante natal section of the local clinic where you were surrounded by pregnant ladies- but that is a whole different story.
The one thing that really helped me was finding other people who were going through the same thing. Each cause of infertility is different but it is nice to be able to laugh /grumble / bitch with someone who is going through similar emotions and experiences.

TheSmallClanger · 29/05/2013 13:48

I always think that is a very personal and rude question, regardless of the age of the people in question. There are too many awkward answers, and anyway, it is far too close to asking someone what their sex habits are, which most people know not to do.

Original poster
CaipirinhasAllRound · 29/05/2013 13:49

I'm not overly sensitive about it anymore and can laugh it off but I think it's just such a personal question. I can't imagine telling anyone who asked in such a flippant way the truth as i'd feel awful for them!

What are your thoughts on sending an 'i've just had a baby and here's a photo' card to people you haven't seen for 6 years as well? Odd. What do I do with a picture of a baby I'm not going to meet?!

OP posts:
curryeater · 29/05/2013 14:00

YANBU.
Also, about the baby pictures: when we had dcs we were flooded with cards and presents from people, some of whom were friends of my mother's I hadn't seen in years, and it was very touching. I made the picture-of-the-baby into a thank you card, so that it could be sent to people who had already expressed an interest, rather than some OMG HOLD THE FRONT PAGE press release.

However: a very blunt unEnglish friend of mine gave me a very serious and unEnglish quizzing about children when I was 35 and I am grateful. I needed someone to talk to, and no one else suggested themselves. Perhaps because they were too tactful. that's just me though. I know enough about it to know that it is very nearly always wrong.

IamMrsElf · 29/05/2013 14:06

Isn't an issue with small talk? That sometimes you're stuck for something to say, so you ask a seemingly innocent question (just for something to say) and then after the words are out, you realise you have actually just asked a deeply personal and possibly hurtful question.

YANBU

Purple2012 · 29/05/2013 14:07

Yanbu. I have a sd but can't have a child of my own. I get pissed off with people asking when we are going to have kids together. One day I will snap and upset someone.

IamMrsElf · 29/05/2013 14:08

The baby pic thing is weird. I hate the family photo Christmas card too. If it's family, then sure, but otherwise - just plain no!

IamMrsElf · 29/05/2013 14:11

My last post made almost no sense. If it's my own family then that makes sense, although it still ends up in the bin. If it's not even my family - like it's the cleaner at work - then wtf??

Sorry people are shit and thoughtless - I am one of those thoughtless morons who asks interfering questions, to make small talk and then makes a right cunt of themselves. Sorry on behalf of all the arseholes who don't know when to shut up!

TuppenceBeresford · 29/05/2013 14:12

YANBU
I met my neighbour from the opposite flat (whom I hardly know) one night recently, he was carrying his new baby (second child) so I asked her name, said how cute she was, what a lovely name etc and his response was "when are you going to have one?" I was mortified and laughed in a nervous, flustered manner and gave some lame excuse but inside I felt Sad

I feel angry now every time I see him - why would he ever think that was an appropriate thing to say to somebody he barely knows (and why did I not have the presence of mind to tell him that at the time??)

FatimaLovesBread · 29/05/2013 14:14

YANBU
I've had to put up with this. I've now got 6 month old DD who is a result of IVF so there's a high chance of us not having another. I'm now getting people asking if I want another, when will we have a second etc etc.
I wouldn't mind but half the people who say about us having a second know we had IVF so should realise it's not that simple.

It's effectively asking people about their sex lives and if they're regularly having unprotected sex

wigglesrock · 29/05/2013 14:28

YANBU I was married for almost 8 years before having dd1. I've been with my husband since I was 17. "No kids yet?" "Fuck off you nosy prick" ended up working quite well.

rasputin · 29/05/2013 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlingLoving · 29/05/2013 14:36

I am going to go against the grain here and say YABU. To me, this is just one of those thigns people ask about when making chit chat. They do not expect a detailed and exhaustive answer unless you feel like it. It's no different to asking if you're getting a pet, or moving house or whatever.

And I had fertility problems.

However, I have learnt that it is not considered okay in england and I don't do it because while I think it's fine, I accept that the prevailing view in the society in which I live is that this is not an acceptable question.

Mehrida · 29/05/2013 14:43

YANBU.

In the time we were ttc, my step sis and (now) SIL fell pregnant aged 20 and 21 by accident. That was bad enough. Both had boys.

My sister then 'enquired' in front of everyone as to when I'd 'get a move on so she could have a niece to buy pink stuff for'. This just after we'd had a letter telling us we had to wait another year for fertility treatment.

Folk just don't think.

EuroShaggleton · 29/05/2013 14:43

It's no different to being asking if you are getting a pet or moving house? Really? Does either of these imply questions about your sex life or health?