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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect people to think a bit before asking

81 replies

CaipirinhasAllRound · 29/05/2013 13:26

a couple in their mid/late 30s who've been married for almost 6 years if they think they would like to have children one day?!

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 29/05/2013 17:57

I am eternally amazed at the amount of people who found it acceptable to ask this question. Rightly or not, I have just found a few sarcastic responses that will shut people up, like, well we're having plenty of sex, why do you ask, can we discuss your sex life instead? Or do you realise how it appropriately personal that question is? - does your husband like the size

PorkPieandPickle · 29/05/2013 17:58

I am eternally amazed at the amount of people who found it acceptable to ask this question. Rightly or not, I have just found a few sarcastic responses that will shut people up, like, well we're having plenty of sex, why do you ask, can we discuss your sex life instead? Or do you realise how it appropriately personal that question is? - does your husband like the size of your boobs?

It might be rude, but it shuts up someone who is being nosy.

PorkPieandPickle · 29/05/2013 17:58

Sorry for double post!

RatRatRat · 29/05/2013 18:02

I think I have done this to a colleague Sad.
I didn't even think of fertility problems.

DrCoconut · 29/05/2013 18:06

A friend of mine has been TTC for 12 years and has been told success is very unlikely. I felt awful telling her I was expecting DS2. I had to do it in conversation as it was obvious, I certainly didn't announce it to her. I would certainly never ask anyone. Some more friends waited 10 years due to work and wanting to be established. I did wonder but again was not rude enough to ask.

ShadowStorm · 29/05/2013 21:00

YANBU.

It's a very personal question, not anyone else's business anyway, and if they are having fertility problems, could cause upset.

sjuperyoni · 29/05/2013 21:32

I've always been mindful of those with no children and don't ask those with ''whens the next one?'' Qs, my sister has been with her dp since age 16 and they always assumed he had 'bad sperm' - it's what he's always been told. I remember saying to dsis if i could help them out somehow i would if sonething happened to her fertility.

LUckily whilst it took them years they now have a ds (6) dd1 (2) and dd2 (5wks) the time inbetween their ds and dd1 drove them spare, thinking they may have had secondary infertility.

Yanbu at all, i wish more people thought before they spoke.

LalyRawr · 29/05/2013 21:36

Why does anyone feel the need to ask anyone when they will be having children?

Regardless of age/marital status/fertility why is someone else's family planning jack all to do with other people?

EeyoreIsh · 29/05/2013 21:45

It really annoys me when people ask. And it's never close friends, it's bloody colleagues. I was on a work trip abroad and an eastern European colleague asked me if I had any children. I said no, smiled and tried to change the subject. She then went off on one about how my life wasn't complete until I had had children, how I owed it to my husband, how I shouldn't prioritise work over family, etc etc etc. I was almost in tears and she just didn't get it! Because it was a work situation, I couldn't tell her to fuck off Grin

to be fair, until I had problems conceiving, I wouldn't have thought twice about asking close friends. Now I know so much better.

ShadowStorm · 29/05/2013 21:52

Actually, thinking about it, there is one circumstance where I will ask people if they're planning to have a child / more children.

That's when they've just asked me that question. I figure it's fair enough to turn it back at them then. And, ironically enough, on one or two occasions, it turns out that people with secondary infertility have been asking me about my plans for children.

HorryIsUpduffed · 29/05/2013 22:09

I agree. I'm only interested in other people's plans as a comparison with my own - eg "will my DC have cousins?" or "is my age gap too small/large?".

You don't ask though in general conversation. You're just about safe on a post-natal ward Grin but otherwise STFU.

Head tilt and "Why do you ask?" is my preferred deflection if I don't feel like answering. Since most of my social circles revolve around the DC nowadays I haven't tended to mind the question, even during lengthy ttc#3 and mc, because I did have a clear idea in my head and wasn't bothered who knew. I was much more cagey when WOH pre-DC2 and particularly -DC1. Declaring you are ttc can be professional suicide.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2013 22:16

To me asking someone if they are going to have children or if they are going to have another child is a bit like asking

well are you having sex?

It is none of my f*cking business

Bakingtins · 29/05/2013 22:25

YANBU. Inspired by the policy of total blunt honesty of someone on here, I've started telling people "I'd love another, I've had 3 miscarriages in the last 9 months". That shuts them up sharpish.
There are so many people who can't just have a baby at the drop of a hat, or may have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting one. It's not a suitable topic for light chit-chat.

idiuntno57 · 29/05/2013 23:41

I don't think it is ok at all but people seem to think they have a right to make such comments. At the other extreme I frequently get people telling (!!) me not to have any more.

Ignore them.

dubstarr73 · 30/05/2013 00:52

I had 2 close together had mcs nothing happening.Got on with my life. 12 years later i had another baby and another and another.Sometimes life deals things in different ways.
I just thnk sometimes people dont know what to say,so say something stupid rather than saying nothing at all.

lisianthus · 30/05/2013 02:35

For those of you that consider this an acceptable question, how should someone who doesn't want to discuss the matter respond in a way which would stop the line of questioning? What, in your culture, would a person in Eeyoreish's situation do? (EEyore, I thought that was appalling but then I don't see it as an acceptable question and would have bitten her head off, work or no work.)

I am not talking about answers which give out limited information such as "we're travelling the world" or "we're trying", I'd like a phrase which would give out NO info; a polite "mind your own business" type phrase.

I assume that if the line of questioning/badgering is regarded as acceptable in your cultures, someone who asks would not understand why they are being snapped at and would regard the responder as unreasonable/rude. So how does someone in your culture respond without having to share personal matters or offend the questioner?

mrssprout · 30/05/2013 02:47

I think sometimes people just really don't think before they open their mouths. I had a friend , who knew I couldn't have children, come up to me one day & say.......Is that a baby bump or just the dress ? My reply was...it's just the dress, that I will go home & burn.
She didn't mean to be hurtful she really just didn't think before she jumped in, some people however are just plain nosey

jessjessjess · 30/05/2013 08:44

YANBU. I have a friend who had several M/Cs and a stillbirth who was devastated by being asked questions like this.

youtoldmeto · 30/05/2013 08:51

This topic comes up quite a lot on MN, so I am always hoping that the message will get through to people just how rude it is! Sadly not though.

I am in a different situation in that I've made a choice not to have dc with DH, but it's still a question I find uncomfortable to answer and I think my reasons for not wanting to discuss it are just as valid as someone who has not been able to have dc. Sometimes I've just claimed that I'm infertile just to stop the questioning, I've found with some people it's the only way to keep them quiet.

Nokidshere · 30/05/2013 09:08

I think it depends on who you are talking to and the context of the conversation. Close friends would naturally talk about more personal things and probably discuss stuff they wouldn't with strangers for instance. I would be comfortable asking my friends if they want children, or if they fancy having more.

And not everyone is traumatised by being asked. Context matters.

BarbarianMum · 30/05/2013 09:12

yanbu

However, I have to admit I did ask various people (friends obviously) this question in my early/mid 20s. I knew nothing about infertility and although I had heard about miscarriage, it was only as a technical possibility rather than something that happens quite frequently.

In my defense, sex education when I was a teen concentrated largely on how very, very easy it was to get pregnant - just once, heavy petting etc. It was a real shock when we started trying to conceive and it wasn't instantaneous.

Anyway I grew up and learnt about reality and when to keep my mouth shut.

NeedlesCuties · 30/05/2013 09:25

I got pregnant very easily both times, but as my mum had secondary infertility (took her 6 years) I was aware of how it wasn't so simple for everyone.

Part of me very much understands that it's an insensitive Q and could cause lots of distress. But another part of me thinks that the more education we have as a society about fertility issues the better.

Not sure how sensible that would be, or how it'd be achieved, but I agree with barbarian about how sex ed is geared towards telling people how easy is it is get pregnant, not that it isn't true for everyone.

honeytea · 30/05/2013 11:26

Yanbu, it took a long time to get pregnant with ds (I became pregnant the cycle before we were due to start IVF, so I can get pregnant naturally it is just very unlikely) MIL said to me when ds was 2 weeks old that it would be cruel (!!?) not to give ds a sibling, she is fully aware of our fertility issues.

I have been wondering if it is impolite to ask older people if they have children/grandchildren, since ds has been born older people have often chatted to us when we are on the bus or in a cafe, they ask questions about ds and I feel I should ask them questions back, I often ask "do you have children/grandchildren?" a few times the person has said no :( I then don't know what to say
and end up saying something like "oh it must be lovely to

honeytea · 30/05/2013 11:28

..... It must be lovely to share other people's children"

I'm not sure if I just shouldn't ask? It was the thing that made me saddest when struggling to become pregnant.

evilgiraffe · 30/05/2013 11:56

YANBU at all, it is a deeply invasive question that people should have more sense than to ask. The answer will always be one of (a) the couple are struggling TTC, (b) the couple have chosen not to have children, or (c) the couple are not yet TTC. The reasons behind all of those are potentially deeply distressing, so it's much more considerate not to ask.

However, if it's part of a conversation about children, TTC etc, then it's understandable - so long as the person hasn't seemed uncomfortable or cagey, but out of the blue there is no excuse.

Having said all that, most of my friends know most of the details about DH's and my TTC woes, IVF referrals and surgeries - I take comfort in being able to talk about it openly, and they are able to avoid being unwittingly hurtful. As has already been mentioned upthread, infertility is something of a hidden subject, so I take the view that being so open about it makes it less of a taboo or shameful secret.