to ask how much your DH does with the DCs if you are both around?
MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:04
Because I'm wondering if the default in anyone else's house is sometimes that you do much more with the DC than your DH does.
I should say that DH is a great day to our 18mo DD. He works shifts and at least 3 times a week looks after her for 3-5 hours before going off to do a long shift, and often only gets 6 hours sleep because of this. I have a much easier 9-5 job and generally get at least an hour or two of my own time every evening. The housework is shared pretty equally too. So often if we are both in all day (which doesn't happen that often) he will have time to himself while I have DD because he really doesn't get much time off during his working week, while I do.
However sometimes we get days like today where I don't think he has had any involvement with DD at all. He spent all morning doing chores, which was fine, and then we had friends around for a BBQ. But during the afternoon he didn't really have anything to do with the kids, I did all the food and naps etc. Then after our friends had gone he decided he wanted to go for a bike ride. I was a bit narked by this but he promised he would be home for bath time. However, bikes being bikes, something broke and he was late and I did bath time and bedtime. So all in all, I don't particularly think he had any involvement with DD at all.
I'm not saying is he a twat? because I do know this is just one day gone a bit wrong. But it's made me realise that if we are both in, I tend to end up doing more things for DD, and I'm wondering if other DH's can be like this?
Shutupanddrive · 27/05/2013 20:12
Yes DH is like this. Unless I ask him to feed, bath etc the kids he would just assume I was doing it.
He works away all week, so is only here at weekends. It is very annoying, but at least usually does it when asked. Makes me feel like I'm nagging him sometimes though
MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:19
The 'spending time' bit - I think part of the problem at the moment is DD is so young, spending time with her is just sort of being in a room and interacting with her. DH is going to be one of those dads who really comes in to their element when the kids are a bit older and it can be football, bike rides etc. Does that make any sense? At the moment her idea of fun is putting two cups together for an hour. When DH can think "right, let's go out for a kick around" or something similar I think it's going to cross his mind more.
TotesAmazeGoats · 27/05/2013 20:23
Bloody bikes, I'm sick of them in the shed and I'm sick of them on the bloomin' TV. OH's bike ALWAYS breaks because I take a hammer to it when he's at work
I would tend to agree, unless poked with a stick, he doesn't seem to realise 11 month old DD needs occupying every minute of every day.
He works like a dog long hours so tends to completely deflate at the weekend, it just means I have to remind him that we are still going, and weekends don't exist like they used to. He soon pulls his weight though. I think, it's not that he doesn't want to but more that he just doesn't realise!
NotSoNervous · 27/05/2013 20:23
DP works really long shifts, early mornings and late evenings so even though we live together sometimes he won't see DD for a couple of days. Sometimes if I've had a bad night with her and she wakes early he'll get up around 5:30/6 then wake me around 8:30 and then I'm with her all day and do bath and bed by myself because he doesn't get back until after. If we have a day together then I still end up doing 90%
MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:26
Totes, his bike is actually in the fecking dining room because he needs to get rid of the fishtank in the shed to make room. It just sits there, staring at me, taking up room...
It's the telling them, isn't it? Sometimes when we're both in I have to remind him what needs doing, we have to have a conversation along the lines of 'well, if you give her dinner I'll do her bath'. It's frustrating, though it is tied to our different work shifts and the fact that we are both keen to get the odd hour or so of time off when we can. But he is perfectly capable of saying he's popping to the supermarket and forgetting that if he's walking their, he may as well take DD for some fresh air!
MrsSparkles · 27/05/2013 20:31
I probably do about 80-90% - he'll take our 2 year old if I specifically ask him too ( usually so I can do cleaning or something), but at the first opportunity he'll slope off to play on his ipad - bloody Candy Crush.
But he'll never think to offer to do something with her, despite moaning all week he never sees her. But I'm trying a new tack of not being so naggy to see if that has any effect!
gertrudetrain · 27/05/2013 20:32
DH's bike is in hallway. Drives me mad, we're always tripping over the damn thing.
Defo an age thing. DH does a fair bit more with DS1 & 2 who are 9&5. Doesn't do much with DD (1) , think he finds it hard to interact with tiddlers. He's always baking, cooking or tinkering with bloody bike and overlooks nappies, naps, nose wiping. It grates but I'm taking the long view that in 5 years time he'll do more and I can swan off with my camera (none of them find photography interesting thankfully!)
ExasperatedSigh · 27/05/2013 20:37
Loads. It probably averages out at about 50/50, but there are plenty of weekends where he does more than me.
He's brilliant at coming up with new games to play and new ways to engage their interest, whereas they see meall day every day and we get pretty bored with each other at times
DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/05/2013 20:39
50/50, although he does the bath and bedtime story putting to bed etc whilst I'm cooking, when he's not at work he tends to do more with DS than me to give me a break from childcare, but then I'm usually flaffing about on MN or in the Kitchen making a mess.
NotYoMomma · 27/05/2013 20:39
We sat down befor. Children and discussed this and I made it clear we were partners and I was not a mug.
I only do more two days a week when I don't work, and he takes the lead with dd on a Saturday.
So when we go out he is the one who runs after her and changes nappies etc.
IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 27/05/2013 20:41
We're 50/50 if we're both in with 9 month DS.
Today as an example:
Me: Get up, breakfast, nappy, dress, solely entertained DS until 10am, then jointly play with DS, breastfeed and do bed. I'll also do night shift.
DH: up at 10. Jointly plays with DS (shoulder rides, playing in park etc), does his lunch, dinner, nappies and bath.
I do all the nights as DS generally wants one BF and I function better on little sleep.
TotesAmazeGoats · 27/05/2013 20:42
I'll raise you, he wanted to mount it on the ACTUAL WALL.
I mean, in some wonderful airy, Scandinavian loft appartment, it would look lovely, but not in a two bed terrace
I missed the bit where you mentioned your job, that makes it more frustrating. I'm back to work next month and have told him he HAS to get on our schedule because I cannot fathom organising and running the house AND working.
Have you tried leaving a checklist. I've started to remind him exactly how our routine works, so while someone's running the bath, the other makes bedtime bottle and puts laundry in.
MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:45
NotYo - I think I'm actually coming from the almost traditional DH perspective, as I see less of DD than DH does, as I have her for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. So a lot of the time I am happy to do the running after her as I'm aware DH has had a lot harder/longer week than I've had. It's more the switching off some days that gets me.
Gertrude, good to hear an example of the age thing. Even parents are going to be better at certain ages and than others. I'm certainly better with an 18mo than I was with a 4mo!
MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:49
Totes, when he's on his own with DD everything runs exactly as it should be, he does all the housework, cooking, takes her out, does everything as I would do if I was at home alone with her. He knows perfectly well what needs doing, he just forgets sometimes I really don't want to give the impression he is a waste of space, he genuinely does more than me on an average week. He can just take the reclaiming a bit of his own time (which as I said, I get in the evenings) a tad too far sometimes!
Oh, and you so win on the bike. I'd have burnt it by now.
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