My feed

to access all these features


to ask how much your DH does with the DCs if you are both around?

83 replies

MaybeNotThen · 27/05/2013 20:04

Because I'm wondering if the default in anyone else's house is sometimes that you do much more with the DC than your DH does.

I should say that DH is a great day to our 18mo DD. He works shifts and at least 3 times a week looks after her for 3-5 hours before going off to do a long shift, and often only gets 6 hours sleep because of this. I have a much easier 9-5 job and generally get at least an hour or two of my own time every evening. The housework is shared pretty equally too. So often if we are both in all day (which doesn't happen that often) he will have time to himself while I have DD because he really doesn't get much time off during his working week, while I do.

However sometimes we get days like today where I don't think he has had any involvement with DD at all. He spent all morning doing chores, which was fine, and then we had friends around for a BBQ. But during the afternoon he didn't really have anything to do with the kids, I did all the food and naps etc. Then after our friends had gone he decided he wanted to go for a bike ride. I was a bit narked by this but he promised he would be home for bath time. However, bikes being bikes, something broke and he was late and I did bath time and bedtime. So all in all, I don't particularly think he had any involvement with DD at all.

I'm not saying is he a twat? because I do know this is just one day gone a bit wrong. But it's made me realise that if we are both in, I tend to end up doing more things for DD, and I'm wondering if other DH's can be like this?

OP posts:
MrsMook · 29/05/2013 11:09

I'm not sure of the ratio of the split, and it varies according to circumstances- last year I worked p/t on a temp contract, then soon after became pregnant so he had to do more in the early stages and 3rd tri when the PGP kicked in, so he's joined in with things like food shopping that I couldn't do alone as normal.

I did more on workdays because I finish earlier (start earlier too), so logisticly it makes sense that I cook- that was the way before DCs too. These days I'm in a chores mode when he gets in, and DS 1 (2 1/2) commandeers him to play with trains when he's through the door- DS 1 adores his daddy, so he's got no choice to be involved. The big thing is bed time is shared so we find it more sociable and less chore-like.

Where I get worn is more on the rest front than what we do, which is swings and roundabouts. I'm on 24 hr call out as DS 2 is 6wks and feeds in the night. A "sleep-in" isn't equal to his as it's interrupted, and I get a bit fed up when he wants to sleep in -every weekend- like he did in pre-DC days. He gets more variation between work/ play/ rest, whereas mine is more of a mixed plod that can alter in demands at any moment. This weekend I was on Brownie Pack Holiday with the 2 DCs. The change was refreshing, but am I jealous that he slept in until 12 in an emtpy house? Hell yeah! (I wish I could physically sleep that long after 3 years of near continuous pregnancy insomnia/ nightfeeds)

Still, I've got a good one that is involved with DS1 and will be when DS2 reaches that stage, both for fun and more mundane things.

zeeboo · 29/05/2013 11:12

When we are both there he does about 80/90% as he sees them less often and wants to reconnect. It means I can get on with housework or so my hobbies.

MaybeNotThen · 29/05/2013 12:06

Loofet, I know what you mean about the lie-ins. I rarely get one because it is so unusual for us both to have two days off in a row so we can share them, and normally DH is coming off the back of long shifts so I know he does need sleep. Generally I'm lucky at the moment that DD sleeps through so I'm getting enough sleep, but not getting up at 7am occasionally would be nice. So he gets the lie-ins otherwise he would end up quite sleep deprived.

Looking at it on a week by week basis is probably better, as everyone has days where they feel like they've done the lion's share.

OP posts:
flowery · 29/05/2013 12:14

DH does a bit more than me at weekends because he works long hours during the week and doesn't see much of the DC at all. He usually does bath and bed both days at the weekend. But mostly we are all together at the weekends anyway.

charleyturtle · 29/05/2013 14:43

maybenotthen: thankyou. the "men eh" remark was intended as more of a joke, didnt think anyone would take offense or be so senstive about it.
i agree with you, i didnt know what kind of father he would be untill we had the baby and it is a bit of a struggle because i do need a bit of help and as much as i tell him this he doesnt seem to take it in.

MaybeNotThen · 29/05/2013 14:46

Can you leave him for a few hours with the baby to let him know how hard it is?

OP posts:
charleyturtle · 30/05/2013 21:34

i have tried that before but he just takes her round his mums where he sits and watches the tv while his mum and sister play with the baby.
i can cope by myself and i love him very much. i just get frustrated that i have to cope by myself when he is around. i guess i just want him to want to help and cant understand why he doesnt (or at least doesnt seem to)

peteypiranha · 30/05/2013 21:42

Dh just does stuff without being asked. If Im tired he takes them out etc. I dont do anymore than he does overall.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.