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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you receive a wedding present, you should say thank you?!

111 replies

frissonpink · 26/05/2013 18:31

Just that really.

No card. No letter. No phone call. No fb message even!

Just no thank you.

Her wedding was 4 months ago. Just had lunch today with another friend who was a guest, and she asked me if I'd received a thank you , because she hadn't. Both of us had sent cheques for £50 and gifts.

The cheques were cashed incidentally the day after the wedding!

She's a good friend (old school friend). Do we mention it? Or just leave it.?

OP posts:
Veryunsure · 26/05/2013 19:28

It's rude, we asked for no gifts at our wedding, however the day after I wrote cards to everyone thanking them for attending. Some folk have no class.

PissesGlitter · 26/05/2013 19:30

I got married 3 years ago and never sent thank you cards

I said thank you personally to each person handing over the card and/or gift
Why should i say thanks twice

MogwaiTheGremlin · 26/05/2013 19:30

That poem is inspired!
So rude not to thank you but I'm not that surprised as people are so grabby these days.
Last year I was invited to a wedding miles from home 2 days before my due date. I immediately declined and sent a nice card explaining why I couldn't attend. I also sent a wedding card and small gift the week before the big day but never heard a thing back!
Mutual friends who had attended the wedding and taken a gift got a thank you card Confused

piprabbit · 26/05/2013 19:35

I went to a uni friend's wedding shortly after we left uni, travelled across the country, spent two nights in a hotel, got them a gift.
Didn't hear a thing from them, but wanted to stay in touch so wrote her a note at her parent's address saying thanks for a lovely day, you must send me your new address now you are married etc. etc.
Haven't heard a peep out of her in 15 years. I used to make excuses for her, but now I just think "what a cow bag".

StrawberryMojito · 26/05/2013 19:35

Pisses. I am referring to gifts that don't get handed over personally ie there is a table set up for gifts to be left or presents ordered from a gift list. Or any presents/cash/cheque sent through the post.

In those cases, it is rude when the recipient never even acknowledges the gift.

Unami · 26/05/2013 19:38

You know, if getting a paper thank you note was the only thing that I felt would show appreciation for, or justify, my going to great lengths and expense to attend a function, I'd seriously rethink whether or not I wanted to attend. This all sounds a bit petty and passive aggressive.

ghosteditor · 26/05/2013 19:41

But I keep all the photographic thank you cards I receive as they're nice mementos! Plus, we went travelling for 3 weeks after our wedding and went straight back to work, and had enough admin sorting out my name change. And it took me forever to make DH do his share of note writing/list making Wink.

I am rubbish at writing thank you notes but have resolved to improve with the things DD receives as my family is so far away now.

piprabbit · 26/05/2013 19:44

Milking your friends and relatives for cash and gifts and not thanking them at all is rude and thoughtless.
If you don't plan to thank people, tell them in advance and let them make an informed choice about how much they spend and whether they still want to attend.
"We hope you can come to our wedding. To make your life simpler we have set up a gift list at XX. To make our lives simpler we won't be thanking you for gifts."

treaclesoda · 26/05/2013 19:45

I was very late sending thank you notes after my wedding but it was because I was in a battle of wills with my MIL who thought that she needed to explain to me every day, as if I were a particularly dim child, that its good manners to send a thank you note. The more times she mentioned it, the longer it took me to send them. I think mine were sent about four months after the wedding Blush

icklemssunshine1 · 26/05/2013 19:47

I sent everyone who attended our wedding a short but personal thank you note. I think wedding photo cards are pretty but usually there's a generic message inside. A personal note is treasured more.

On the flip side I sent EVERYONE who attended my wedding a thank you note & a friend (who had attended the service, ate our 3 course meal & attended out evening do) sent a text back saying sorry she couldn't get us a present but she was skint at the moment! Cheers! You had no prob eating the wedding meal at £30 pet head & drinking the champagne we laid on!

MrsBungle · 26/05/2013 19:49

I've been to lots of weddings - only 2 of them have not sent a thank you note after. I think it's very rude not to thank someone for their gift.

Original poster
frissonpink · 26/05/2013 19:53

I love to receive hand written, thoughtfully sent cards. It's that personal touch?

To not send a card because you've said 'thank you' on the day/at the time really just seems lazy to me. Hmm

Lazy and poor manners.

I managed to get over 40 thank you cards sent out 2 weeks after the birth of my daughter, when I was still in pain and sleep deprived! But I did feel it was very important to acknowledge in writing their beautiful gifts.

I'm probably a little extreme on this though!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/05/2013 19:55

Ickle but presumably you didnt invite her for the gift?

Unami · 26/05/2013 19:56

Again, I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding and then complain about them eating the meal and drinking what I provided - unless they reciprocated with a gift of equal or greater value! Why not just invite the people you want to invite and don't expect a gift as a matter of course.
And give gifts freely without keeping a beady eye on the letter box for a note. These are celebrations - not a balancing act of obligations!

StealthPolarBear · 26/05/2013 19:56

You cant have sent that much of a personal note else youd have known shed not given you a gift

icklemssunshine1 · 26/05/2013 19:58

Stealth, no I didn't invite her for the gift, she was a good friend & I knew about her financial troubles. What annoyed me was that she turned up for the service 30 minutes late - DH & me were sitting at the alter facing the congregation & 39 minutes in we heard the doors slam & she sloped in! Not good form!

icklemssunshine1 · 26/05/2013 19:59

*30 not 39. Damn iPhone & fat fingers!

icklemssunshine1 · 26/05/2013 20:01

She also "forgot" our wedding card. Celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary this year. Still no card!

doublecakeplease · 26/05/2013 20:02

I started a thread like this last year and got massively flamed!
My DH wasn't invited to the daytime so brought gift (really nice champagne and glasses) when he arrived on the night. Our gift was taken from him by a bouncer and put straight on the gift table soobviously no chance of acknowledgment from the couple.

2 months later friend hadn't mentioned it (i see her weekly) so i asked if they'd enjoyed it. She said "dunno - what did you get us?"
I joked that the gift tags must have gone astray and cheekily asked if it had messed up her sending thankyou cards. She said "no - i haven't bothered, my mum nagged me to but i don't see the point"
I also suffered her buying perfume and make up with the John Lewis gift vouchers others had given them. I judgingly assumed that wedding gift vouchers were to b spent on couple / house things!

Bearbehind · 26/05/2013 20:02

unami no one has mentioned the value of the gift in relation to what the bride and groom spent on the guests meal.

Are you suggesting that is the demarcation line then? If the gift costs more than the bride and groom spent on the meal for each guest then they get a thank you, if not they get no thanks because they should have spent more?

redexpat · 26/05/2013 20:04

I didn't send thank yous for 6 months because I was completely overwhelmed by the whole thing (civil service, followed by blessing a week later) compoundd by hte fact that my new hubby was not massively supportive meant that I got depression and just couldnt face it until 6 months later. I wasnt being intentionally rude, it wasnt that I didnt want to, I just couldn't do it at htat point.

Unami · 26/05/2013 20:07

Bear - ickle mentioned that. She was annoyed her guest didn't bring a gift but was happy "eating the wedding meal at £30 a head". I think that's petty.

Personally, I think it's nice if people give you a gift - though there's no obligation to, and it's nice if people send thank you cards, but they're not really standard anymore, I don't think, and nothing to make a big fuss about imo.

Bearbehind · 26/05/2013 20:10

Oops, sorry unami Blush

I don't think thank you cards have any relation to the cost of the gift but I do think it is the height of bad manners not to send them.

StrawberryMojito · 26/05/2013 20:11

Frisson, I think I'm the same as you. It comes from my mum making me spend every day following my childhood birthdays or just after Christmas writing thank you notes to people who had bought me gifts. I hated it at the time but I'm glad she did it. It's a nice thing to do and people do appreciate it. If they can spend their time and money on getting you a gift, you can spend 5 mins letting them know it was appreciated (even if you didn't like it).

beginnings · 26/05/2013 20:18

OP you're a person after my own heart. Wedding thank yous went out two days after we were back from honeymoon (we were lucky enough to have 70 to write). After DD was born, the first batch of her cards went out 2 weeks after she was born and then on an as need basis, always within 48 hours of the receipt of the gift. Christmas thank yous by new year, Easter thank yous within the week, her birthday thank yous within the week. Anything else is just rude. I don't understand people who don't say thank you.