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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider contacting dps estranged wife and kids?

101 replies

LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 14:54

DP has two young children whom he saw lots of when we first met. After a couple of year his ex stopped contact because she wanted alternate weekends and he couldn't do that because of work. He has done nothing to restart contact (ie via court) and it's now been 2 years. It was his daughters birthday the other day and he didn't even mention her, let alone send a card or anything yet was telling me how happy he is with my and our DC. I feel really angry for his DC and our DD who is missing out on a relationship with her siblings. I also resent that his ex may think he isn't having contact because of me when actually I've done everything to encourage it. WIBU to get in touch with his ex and talk about our dcs having a relationship?

OP posts:

nkf · 27/05/2013 08:53

He's not interested in them which I would regard as despicable. I know that's not what you were asking but that's what jumped out at me. Poor kids, poor you.

calmingtea · 27/05/2013 08:54

Leave the poor ex and her children alone. What you want is irrelevant. Those children have moved on and you will just cause them pain by swanning in and turning their world upsidedown. I can only imagine being a kid who's dad disappears for 2 or more years, suddenly being told dad has been in new babys life all that time. I am not sure my first reaction would be to love new sibling. Even the loveliest child will feel anger and pain. I would. What a deadbeat father.

atrcts · 27/05/2013 08:59

Obviously I don't know you so can only comment on the picture you've described. You sound like you're trying to play "happy families" in a situation that is impossible to fulfil that dream for you.

It strikes me that you'd like your "perfect world" to involve everyone responding to your "encouragement" for everyone to come together in perfect harmony, and while I am all for people being as peaceable with each other as they can be, I can't help but think of the true saying: you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

If a man has not had contact with his kids for 2 years, and has made no effort to change that, he really clearly doesn't want to bother.

It would be a mistake for you to try and change him. You will only wear yourself out trying and it will never work. You say "he doesn't have the balls to fight for them", but I'd say realistically its more that he doesn't have the interest. You fight for children if they're important enough - balls or not.

It would be really hard for those kids to have their Dad reintroduced to their lives, only to lose them again. Or worse, kids have an uncanny nose for smelling disinterest and can you imagine being stuck with a visit from your Dad knowing full well his heart isn't in it?

You mentioned the kids would have loved to meet your new daughter. Showing off your new baby is not a good reason to mess about with the emotions of those poor kids. Besides, two years is a long time and you may find the interest they showed back then, has been lost by now.

It may be hard for you to face this, but it does seem to be the truth of the matter. I'm sorry life isn't as rosy as we'd all you'd like it to be.

DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 09:03

OP - I'm not sure how many more times you want to post about this man, from reading a few of your threads, so far I've learned;

He's had a baby with you, but not moved in with you or pays anything towards her upkeep

he's still not arranged his divorce and uses this as an excuse to not pay towards your DD

He is incapable and reluctant to do any care for your DD alone

He only really wants to be with you for sex and fun and not actually share your life.

Can you not see that given the way he treats you and your DD, it's rather obvious that's how he thinks about relationships and children? He doesn't want to do sole care of your DD, so why are you surprised he doesn't actually want care of his DCs from his previous relationship? He doesn't like being a dad, you have to force him to care for your child and then he isn't all that worried about looking after her well - in fact it's probably a good thing for the DCs involved tht he doesn't want to see them, as he doesn't seem to give a shit about safety or the children's happiness.

OP, don't get involved with your DP's exW (who isn't actually his exW!), in fact, I'd be looking at getting this man out of your life altogether.

On your other thread you said that your older DCs are happier when he's not around, can you not see that he's not a good man to have in your life? He brings nothing to your joint child's life, and makes both yours and your older DCs lives worse.

SirBoobAlot · 27/05/2013 09:23

This man is a spineless sack of shit. Reread everything you've written here, and on your other threads, and imagine it was a friend who was saying all this to you. What would your reaction be?

Hard as it is, Mumsnet opinion tends to be pretty accurate. Listen to what has been said.

rainrainandmorerain · 27/05/2013 09:37

One more thing to bear in mind is the effect this man, and your relationship, is having on your dc.

What are they seeing and learning? That their mum is unhappy and exhausted, their dad can't even look after his baby daughter on his own without racing to hand her back - doesn't live with you, doesn't pay his way, doesn't support you. Turns up for sex then goes back to stay with his mate.

The lessons we learn in childhood from our parents stay with us for a lifetime. Let your kids be an incentive for you to start making that exit plan. You all deserve better.

DeskPlanner · 27/05/2013 10:02

He doesn't live with the op . Why doesn't he live with you op ? He really doesn't come across as a nice human being.

Fairenuff · 27/05/2013 10:10

I think it's good that he doesn't live with you. All you have to do is end the relationship and you will be rid of this user.

If you lived together it would be much more complicated. When you eventually realise what a waste of space he is, you can just change the locks and be done with him.

He won't want to see your dd and he won't pay any child support, he will move on to the next unsuspecting woman and create another poor child to abandon

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/05/2013 10:13

He doesn't live with you? Then why on earth do you want to contact his ex? I think you have bigger problems then him seeing his abandoned dcs.

ZZZenagain · 27/05/2013 10:23

"if his ex called him tomorrow and told him he could have them every weekend and school holiday he's off work, as he used to, he'd jump at the chance."

so he used to have them whenever he could and she was ok with that. Then she wanted alternate weekends, something more planable. If dh was working some of those weekends, you could have still had the kids and looked after them yourself if it is so important to you with the sibling relations. Dh would only have time for them when he got back from work. Not ideal but possible.

ZZZenagain · 27/05/2013 10:25

oh sorry reread the OP. Two years ago this happened and your dc was born some time after the contact ceased. So how did the dc even know you were expecting a baby?

Mimishimi · 27/05/2013 10:28

YABU. Why would she want her DC's to have a relationship with yours if their father was not interested himself? I think you'd best leave it between them.

Jemma1111 · 27/05/2013 10:29

Op , you said that your 'd'p won't comit to eow but would jump at the chance to have his dcs if his ex let him see them every week , this doesn't make sense .

Also you say that his dcs were very excited when they knew you were pregnant , then you write that you're not sure if his ex knows about the baby , well obviously she would as at the very least his dcs would have told her .

I'm another one who can't understand how you can be with someone who doesn't give a shit about his kids .
What an arsehole he is .

Bobyan · 27/05/2013 12:55

I somehow doubt the op will be back...

Clarabellthecow · 27/05/2013 17:35

But if she does, then there is lots of help.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2013 17:53

This Op appears to be turning into one of those kinds of MN users that post repeatedly with different snapshots of a terrible relationship, looking for just one person to validate the poor choice she is making in trying to turn a useless fuckwit into a decent partner

The whole picture is never included, but regulars get pissed off with what amounts to OP's manipulating the kindness of others in responding to what is actually only a tiny picture of what is really happening

yes, it's said to be bad form to link to other information on other threads but not doing so doesn't do these women any favours either

advanced search is the way to go for anyone wonderign why this poor woman is flogging a dead horse and trying to address everything except that which is the real problem

Fairygen · 27/05/2013 18:57

OP, looks like you are trying ( desperately) to find something redeeming about this lowlife. Your posts suggest there really isn't anything!

You're probably luckier ( strange way to look at it, i know) than most, that you don't live together and he doesn't support you. Therefore minimum upheaval for your DD when you realise you're better off alone.

rainrainandmorerain · 27/05/2013 20:27

I think the OP's threads are part of a lifestory (a real story, I'm not saying this is made up, at all - wish it was).

She's going through the process of recognising how awful her relationship is - what a dead loss this man really is - and inching towards ending the relationship.

She goes through phases of trying to convince herself that she is ok, and managing fine when she has to do everything herself with no practical or financial support from this man. If the op has name changed and is who I think she is, she posted a while back wondering if she should use her OWN savings to get him out of debt. There wasn't a very positive response to that thread either (apologies if this poster is NOT the earlier poster - the one whose husband hid from the children from his former relationship after seeing them unexpectedly at a swimming pool....).

But she also posts about her exhaustion and loneliness, and doubts. She posts about her partner, in a way which make me think she KNOWS deep down he is a dead loss (threads about feeling he behaves more like a babysitter than a parent, etc). But she NEEDS other people to tell her this.
She also needs to defend him, needs threads to escalate so that people give her very blunt and forceful advice.

I don't think this is someone who can't see how bad her relationship is - I think this is someone who knows, and who can't bear to look at it. So she holds it up to show us, with her own eyes closed.

I think too that if the OP had family support or good friends nearby (she seems to have neither), this relationship would be over sooner rather than later. However - she seems very isolated and this makes ending things very difficult.

That's my penn'orth, anyway.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 27/05/2013 20:46

Oh that's very sad rain. Littlelisa, come back and talk, we can listen and help.

Clarabellthecow · 27/05/2013 20:55

Agree with Dreams. I

deepfriedsage · 27/05/2013 22:50

Rain, if it is the same poster that is sad.

Mimishimi · 27/05/2013 23:00

I also don't think it's reasonable for him to expect that his ex should only expect access from him when he gets the time off (sounds like it's not on a schedule). How much notice would she get? It means she couldn't really plan things for herself if it was unpredictable (eg if he didn't know until the day before). He should be planning his work around his access times, whether that be alternate weekends or once a month, not the other way around.

LittleMissLucy · 27/05/2013 23:15

I hate to throw a spanner in the works, but is it at all possible, that given he doesn't live with you and your DC, he may well see his EX and their children anyway, but you're just none the wiser?

Cravey · 27/05/2013 23:19

Do the ex and kids a huge favour. Leave them alone. This is none of your business. And your partner sounds like an idiot.

dottt · 27/05/2013 23:27

I have 2 half siblings. My df kept contact but dm and/or ex insisted secrecy. I found out about them when I was 8 and met my ds when I was 30. We now have a relationship that is good but it has taken 15 years. The other ds I have not managed to form a relationship with.

I wish someone had been 'adult' about it when I was a child and given us all the chance to know one another as we grew up. There are six c's

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