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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider contacting dps estranged wife and kids?

101 replies

LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 14:54

DP has two young children whom he saw lots of when we first met. After a couple of year his ex stopped contact because she wanted alternate weekends and he couldn't do that because of work. He has done nothing to restart contact (ie via court) and it's now been 2 years. It was his daughters birthday the other day and he didn't even mention her, let alone send a card or anything yet was telling me how happy he is with my and our DC. I feel really angry for his DC and our DD who is missing out on a relationship with her siblings. I also resent that his ex may think he isn't having contact because of me when actually I've done everything to encourage it. WIBU to get in touch with his ex and talk about our dcs having a relationship?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2013 23:36

How on earth do you know what his DCs want?

When was the last time you have a proper conversation with them?

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2013 23:36

*Had

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 26/05/2013 23:41

Can you not see you want this for you, not for them. What do you think they think of their father now? Do you think it's that simple to just walk back into a child's life?

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/05/2013 23:41

Stop making excuses because even tho you start by saying your not you are.

You don't need balls to say no to someone who has changed a working arrangement you also don't need balls to manage you work to fit in with contact if the arrangement was really not in the best interests of the children, just like every other parent has to do. If you really can't do either of those then you still don't need balls to get legal advice.

He's walked away and has not bothered because he's a shit.

Original poster

LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 23:43

No I don't Dreams but I think it's going to be harder for everyone the longer he leaves it

OP posts:

Bobyan · 26/05/2013 23:43

Practically all parents work. Working is never an excuse for losing contact with your children.
Given that you have previously posted about his unwillingness to look after the child he has with you, its quite obvious that he really doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

Its not often I say this, but I think all of his children would be better off with no contact from him until they are old enough to decide for themselves and handle the rejection they will feel when he decides he's no longer interested.
Your dd included.

Tooearlyintheday · 26/05/2013 23:45

If the DCs Mother is being deliberately obstructive then the courts will recognise that and order some contact to be facilitated. However, if your DP is adamant that he won't pursue contact then you'd be better staying well out of it and concentrating on your family while making it clear to your DP that, from your perspective, the door will always be open for his DC.

scaevola · 26/05/2013 23:46

If his ex can't/won't accommodate access round his shift work pattern, it's a difficult situation. But if he can't send a birthday present, he isn't going to 'fight' for them, is he? And it really does need to come from him.

He seems oddly passive in this - not doing what he can to stay in touch, letting the divorce drag on and on. Have you asked him why he didn't send a card?

The 'great father' you saw in the early stages doesn't seem to have lasted, does it?

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2013 23:48

My ex used to put on a 'great father' display whenever he was trying to impress a new girlfriend.

The kids saw through it in the end and refused to be used in that way.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 26/05/2013 23:51

He's not interested in them, leave them alone. If they want any contact with them they will find him when they are older, it's not your call.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/05/2013 23:57

Does the Ex know you have a child together?

McNewPants2013 · 27/05/2013 00:16

I would lovee DC to know their sister, however she is settled and happy.

Dh fought a very bitter court case and won supervised contact, his dd was very unsettled during these forced visit. In the end DH didn't feel he won ( very long story)set up CSA payments and said to his ex he felt that this wasn't the best for his dd ( she agreed ) then the CSA payment bounced as she changed her bank details.

Sparklypinknails · 27/05/2013 00:16

The longer he leaves it? He's already left it two years and didnt even bother to get his child a birthday card. Leave those children alone to get on with their lives without a self centred prick of a "dad".

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/05/2013 00:57

If the Ex knows that you have a DC then you should leave it. She may think that her DCs would not benefit from having contact with a child who lives with their father, when they don't even get a birthday card from him.

rainbowslollipops · 27/05/2013 07:13

Ex's New wife has tried to get involved with dd and him. It resulted in arguments & her acting the messenger. It's a vicious circle & whilst I appreciate that she's trying to help, this isn't her battle to fight.

Original poster

LittleLisa78 · 27/05/2013 07:50

I'm not sure if his ex knows. He said he told her I was pregnant but not sure if I believe him as he had a tendency to avoid telling her anything that might rile her. I have an ex husband myself who does the pretending to be an interested dad thing but DP honestly wasn't like that. He went to great lengths to have them as much as possible and was great with them and they were very happy with him/us which only serves to make it harder to understand why he's allowed this situation to continue

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 27/05/2013 08:11

McNewpants - no father should just give up, he needed to put the effort in so that she WAS settled & why on earth was he not paying maintenance all the time!!??

rainrainandmorerain · 27/05/2013 08:21

Help me out - I don't understand how someone WAS 'such a great dad' who would go to any lengths to see his kids, but is now someone who never sees them, and won't even send his daughter a birthday card.

What actually happened? His ex not agreeing to a certain pattern of contact could make things very hard, sure - but it sounds like HE has given up any effort to be in touch. As I'm sure you know, the idea that he can have no contact for years only to pick up at some point in the future after a divorce is gobsmacking nonsense. His kids might well not want to know him.

This is so sad. I have dad friends who have been through/are in nightmare contact situations with the children of former partners, having to deal with arrangements being cancelled at the last minute, drop offs being missed, ex moving dcs hundreds of miles away with no consultation - and the efforts they make to stay in touch with their kids are immense.

Is it really desire for your dd to know her half siblings that is driving this, or the fear that it could happen to you and her?

One more question! What does your dp say if you tell him that he not only SHOULD see his dcs, but that you find it shocking and disgraceful that he isn't making an effort? You have said this to him, right?

Fairygen · 27/05/2013 08:36

This really is none of your business. I can see that you're only trying to help, but if he doesn't want to get off his backside and contact them himself, you should just stay out of it.

My EXP has no contact with our DD, and we are a happy single parent family. I would be furious if his new partner contacted me, sticking mer oar in!!

Fairygen · 27/05/2013 08:37

Her oar in!

DeskPlanner · 27/05/2013 08:38

If I was his ex, there is no way I would allow contact with you and your dd. How do you think his dc would feel meeting your dd and hearing all about how she lives with their dad, but he hasn't bothered to see them for two years and doesn't even send then a birthday card ? You said yourself, the youngest dc probably wouldn't remember him, so why would they want to get to know your dd. If you do this you will be causing nothing but pain for those children.

Bobyan · 27/05/2013 08:39

great with them - is this the same man who makes no financial contribution to your dd and has basically told you that if you split from him he probably won't bother seeing your dad?

He's a lot of things, great isn't one of them.

Bobyan · 27/05/2013 08:40

Dad = dd

Bobyan · 27/05/2013 08:41

desk - I don't think he does live with them...

rainrainandmorerain · 27/05/2013 08:48

Ok, forgive me but I've looked at a couple of your other recent threads OP (I have a feeling you have posted before under another name - something sunshine? - but praps not, and I do know it is bad MN form to bring it up....).

You've said on another thread that your DP told you that if you split up with him, he couldn't bear to see you. So presumably, that would be that - end of his relationship with you and daughter.

You've also posted a lot about how unhappy and tired you are, how little parenting he actually does, so you have to do the vast majority, with no friends/family to help you. He doesn't even live with you.

TBH, it seems like you want to leave him - but have nowhere to 'go' and no one to help you. I think there's a chance you are thinking of contacting his ex wife and family in the hope that yes, there could be some friendship between your dcs, but also because she might be an ally in some way when your relationship ends.

I think you are in an awful situation and this man is behaving appallingly. I think you need to start thinking about your exit plan.

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