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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider contacting dps estranged wife and kids?

101 replies

LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 14:54

DP has two young children whom he saw lots of when we first met. After a couple of year his ex stopped contact because she wanted alternate weekends and he couldn't do that because of work. He has done nothing to restart contact (ie via court) and it's now been 2 years. It was his daughters birthday the other day and he didn't even mention her, let alone send a card or anything yet was telling me how happy he is with my and our DC. I feel really angry for his DC and our DD who is missing out on a relationship with her siblings. I also resent that his ex may think he isn't having contact because of me when actually I've done everything to encourage it. WIBU to get in touch with his ex and talk about our dcs having a relationship?

OP posts:
CrapsWithBears · 26/05/2013 15:32

What an awful person, sorry. I don't have any advice, I'm just genuinely flabbergasted that you would actually have children with someone who is clearly a deadbeat Dad.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/05/2013 15:35

Is he seeking access as part of the divorce Lisa? If so then I would leave it to him, his Ex, their solicitors and the courts. If you were to take action now, it may impact negatively on the access negotiations.

Sparklypinknails · 26/05/2013 15:35

Of course you were Hmm how can you be with someone who doesn't care about his children? Genuine question.

nenevomito · 26/05/2013 15:40

I wouldn't contact his ex. If he's done nothing to get in touch and can't even be bothered to send his DD a birthday card, then he's a complete arse.

Just hope you don't break up as if he's done it once, he'll probably do it to you as well.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/05/2013 15:44

Wow just wow.

Its not just a red flag its actual real evidence that he's a total deadbeat, and your wanting to remove even more responsibility from him???

He should be the one who sorts it out. Not you,I'm sure the mother of these children quite possibly thinks they have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 15:45

No Dione there are no negotiations.
Sparkly he did care when we first met, him being a good dad was one of his main attractions

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 26/05/2013 15:45

I think he would get angry if you tried to set something up at this stage. If he is waiting to see what settlement comes out of the divorce, I think you will have to wait till then and see what happens. You can only really further any attempts at contact when he starts arranging it with his ex

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/05/2013 15:56

I'm not sure I understand Lisa. Divorce proceedings are underway. He says that access will be sorted during this divorce. Yet there are no negotiations taking place?

Given that he and his Ex have been estranged for more than 4 years(?), what exactly is going on as regards the divorce and access arrangements?

Sparklypinknails · 26/05/2013 15:57

And now he clearly doesn't care about his children doesn't it bother you? How can you look at him and love him knowing he would easily do the same to you and your dd? This world and the people in it confuse me so much sometimes :/

deepfriedsage · 26/05/2013 16:05

I don't understand anyone starting a relationship with someone who is married, never mind have a child with a married, child abandoner. I think It's an ego boost to think they and their child are superior beings to the first family and he won't do that to them.

ZZZenagain · 26/05/2013 16:10

seems he was already separated from his wife when they met and at that time, he did have contact to the dc and OP found him a good father.

RhondaJean · 26/05/2013 16:11

I haven't been in this situation (disclaimer there) but for what it's worth, here's my two cents.

You cannot force him to have anything to do with his children if he doesn't want to (though I hope at least he is paying for them).

If he will not, I WOULD contact the other mother, making it clear you are doing it off your own back and because you want your dd to have a relationship with her siblings if possible. There is a strong chance she will tell you to get knotted but you could try.

So in summary - his relationship with his children you can do nothing about. Your DDs relationship with her siblings though you could try to.

ZZZenagain · 26/05/2013 16:14

it is possible that OP's relationship and the birth of her dc is the reason for the break-down of relations between her DP and his ex. Who knows?

Fairenuff · 26/05/2013 16:14

Why doesn't he want to see his children?

rainbowfeet · 26/05/2013 16:20

You can't force someone to be a Dad if he doesn't want to!!! (Speaks from experience)!!

I really don't think his ex would take it too well & however you word it, I think you will be shot down in flames!! On the other hand she doesn't seem to bothered & has probably moved on & wouldn't appreciate her boat being rocked!!

Maybe one day the kids will come searching for him & you can explain then but for now leave well alone!!! Word of warning a mum who feels her kids are being wronged is not a mum to cross!!!!! Shock

StuntGirl · 26/05/2013 16:25
Hmm
Oldraver · 26/05/2013 16:27

Why are you wanting to do what he should be doing ?

I've said it before...It says a lot about a man as to how he treats his DC's from a former relationship

PatriciaHolm · 26/05/2013 16:29

The OP says contact stopped because she wanted EOW and he wouldn't commit. So it sounds as if he wanted contact on his own terms, just enough to make himself look good, but when he was asked to step up to the plate properly showed his true colours. What an unpleasant man.

Bobyan · 26/05/2013 16:33

As I've said to you before on the other thread, he's inadequate (being polite).

Your time would be better spent concentrating on you and your children, than trying to fix / make a non-existing relationship with your dc's half siblings.

TigerSwallowTail · 26/05/2013 17:12

Op says he couldn't do alternate weekends because of work patricia.

Op you should stay out of it and let him and the child's mother sort it out in court during divorce proceedings.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 23:14

He hasn't applied to the court for contact alongside the divorce though so nothing is going to get sorted.bobyan - I do focus on my DC and I but this is relevant to youngest DD as they're her siblings and I'd like them to have a relationship

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/05/2013 23:18

In the nicest possible way I think you're being selfish OP

You want these kids to have to have contact with a Dad who couldn't care less, just so your DD gets to see her siblings?

There's no thought there for the kids he's abandoned and how they may feel...and there's no thought there for the ex either who I'm sure would have contacted them, if she wanted to force the kids upon him.

These are real lives we're talking about here...yet you make it sound like a toy or something that you want your DD to have.

Bobyan · 26/05/2013 23:26

worra has summed it up, its not about what you would like, its about what's best for all of the DC. Not just yours.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 26/05/2013 23:32

Dds father left when she was a baby, no contact nada. His gf hunted dd down on Facebook when she was 16 and told her her sisters wanted contact Hmm wtf. Dd was devastated (whilst trying to not almost laugh at the cheek and unbelievable situation) her bloody father wanted nothing to do with her and this gf was telling her about her 'lovely' family and she wanted dd to be a part of it, dd gave her short shrift and that was that, but if he tried now to get into contact.....

I really wouldn't do it.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 26/05/2013 23:32

His DC were very excited when they knew I was pregnant and would love DD, they would want to know her given the choice.
I'm not excusing his inaction as I agree it's despicable but if his ex called him tomorrow and told him he could have them every weekend and school holiday he's off work, as he used to, he'd jump at the chance. Unfortunately he just doesn't seem to have the balls for fight for them

OP posts: