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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate it when people say "you're a good mum....of boys"

73 replies

IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:02

I have 2 DS. I want another baby as does DH. It would be nice if it was a girl but equally lovely to have another boy. I really want a healthy - that's the best. I have always wanted 4 children and just don't feel like I'm ready to hang up my womb just yet.

Anyway, when I mentioned having another one, a lot of family and friends said "you won't have any girls, there's no point in having another one" and then said "you're such a good mum, of boys".

Is there such a thing as being a good mum to just one sex of child? Surely a good mum is a good mum. I'm sure they say this to make me feel better or something but it just pisses me off. It is nice to be told I'm a good mum - especially as most of the time I feel like I'm winging it and the rest of the time have no clue - but it feels like people are saying "you'd be a shit mum to girls" (obviously me being massively over sensitive).

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/05/2013 09:06

the people you know are odd who says that, a good mum is a good mum regardless of sex and tbh most of us wing it , I have heard people saying Oh i wouldnt know what to do with a boy Confused
so i guess its the reverse people have weird concepts of children imo, I have a lovely friend who is waiting on her first grandchild and tbh I think she is hoping for a girl as she was one of the people I heard saying ' I wouldn't know what to do with a boy'

yanbu

FourLittleDudes · 23/05/2013 09:07

I have 4 boys, and usually get a slightly shocked face when I say I have 4 children, but when I say I have four boys I get comments about me being brave or crazy, I think people imagine that having boys is harder than having girls? I don't know. Everyone always asks me if I want a girl, but I'm very happy with my boys :-) and I have a feeling that even if I did get pregnant again, it would be boy number 5!

HeathRobinson · 23/05/2013 09:09

'you're such a good mum, of boys' - what does that even mean? Confused

Sugarice · 23/05/2013 09:10

I have 3 teen boys.

That comment made to you is ridiculous , just give them a Hmm look and ignore.

pregnantpause · 23/05/2013 09:10

Yanbu, gender is for some reason unknown to me, an open subject. People seem to thinks its okay to be rude about it and speculate openly. When I had my second people would say, are you trying for one of each? and now I have dd2 I get, will you try for a boy now? Do you wish you'd had a boy? It'd be nice for Mr pregnant to have a son tho wouldn't it?

We had and lost a son, when I got pregnant with dd2 I did not want a boy. I won't have another baby because I know if I have a boy, he'd be impossibly compared to my lost son and that would be unfair. People should butt out.

ChasingStaplers · 23/05/2013 09:11

I think I would've had to ask my mum what she meant exactly by that comment and told her how hurtful it was.
(My mum has never said I'm a good mum of boys or girls! 2DS and 1DD here)

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:12

Boys have a lot of energy but are very loving and cuddly. I love my boys.

People that say "I don't know what I'd do with a boy" are plain weird. You parent the child you have.

mrsjay I hope that your friend does have a grand boy, so she doesn't miss out on the joy of boys!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/05/2013 09:13

I remember when I had dd2 and i met a friend of my aunts on the bus she said oh what did you have a girl, aww you can try again for a boy, WHAT Confused

mrsjay · 23/05/2013 09:13

mrsjay I hope that your friend does have a grand boy, so she doesn't miss out on the joy of boys!

I just didn't know what to think when she said it I am sure she will love her grandchild regardless but it is an odd thing to say .

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:14

pregnantpause so sorry to hear that. People are desperately insensitive.

OP posts:
littlepeas · 23/05/2013 09:18

I do think people just seem to suit the family they have, so maybe she just sees you as suiting boys because that is what you have iyswim? I know that after I had ds1, the thought of having a girl seemed a bit odd as I was used to a boy - I did have a dd, followed by another ds and my family just seems 'right'. I think that would be the case in any combo.

AlanMoore · 23/05/2013 09:18

People are so weird and rude about this. Ignore these idiots and do what's right for you.

Three boys is lovely, as is three girls or any mixture of the two. I've got one of each and if I was having more id like either or both!

pregnantpause condolences for the loss of your son and sorry that people say stupid stuff to you - you're right, they should butt out x

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:19

mrsjay it is an odd thing to say. My MIL has come out with some corkers around gender and me having another one. Lots of smiling and nodding. I know she'll love them all regardless but she thinks I'm mad for wanting more and can't quite hide it.

chasing it wasn't just my mum, it was grandparents and some of DH's friends. My GM had 4 girls trying to have a boy and now feels that she got the children she needed (whatever that means). I think they say it to try and make me feel better that I may not have a girl, despite my saying, "I don't have a preference on gender". People do like to boss in and shove their opinion in your face.

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 23/05/2013 09:19

Honestly, people are just weird. I think in some areas having anything other than 2 children is seen as a bit odd or unnecessary, and if you're thinking of 3 you must be dissuaded - even if you are the world's greatest parent.

Odd. Odd. Odd. Just ignore!

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:20

Thank you all. Feeling much better now.

OP posts:
fancyanother · 23/05/2013 09:25

I get the 'No point having another one, it would be another boy' a lot too! I have discussed having another one with my friends because they are my friends, but it's none of my MIL's business how many children we have! It would just be presented to her after the fact! We get on quite well too!

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:29

fancy Grin

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 23/05/2013 09:30

People just say crass things. When I was pregnant with DC3, I was asked why, when I had one of each already.

The gender of your children does lead you down different roads, but I've also known boys do ballet and girls do football. DS1 and DS2 have had nine trips to A&E between them. DD has had none. I'm sure someone can come on here with a reverse tale.

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:30

What is so great about having one of each?

Genuine question to those of you that have both.

OP posts:
WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 23/05/2013 09:36

I really hate it when I hear people say 'as long as it's healthy' or similar. Do you really mean this OP? If your baby had an illness or disability would you not want it? After all, it wouldn't be 'the best' as you said in your original post.
A child with an illness wouldn't be good enough. YABU for this

Original poster
IamMrsElf · 23/05/2013 09:38

Sorry where you are quite right. That was a dickish thing to say. Saying I want a 'healthy' is just my automatic response when people ask me what I want, because the gender issue gets my back up. It was insensitive though. Sorry.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 23/05/2013 09:41

One of my acquaintances had a fourth boy. I was conscious that they may have had a few 'ah, shame' type comments, so when I met her I said 'how lovely, 4 boys!' and she replied 'I didn't want a girl, I wouldn't know what do with one, they're so whingy', right in front of my DD Shock. Defensive, much?!

When I was pregnant with DC2 (after having DD), DH's great uncle was very insistent that DH would want a boy this time. When I replied "he'd be perfectly happy if we had another DD", he said "Well, he might say that, but he'll want a DS really".

When my mum had a third DD, a woman asked my mum if she was disappointed. When her friend had a third DS, somebody asked her the same question.

My point being that loads of people have very definite ideas about the sex of other people's babies. You being told that you're a good mum to boys is just plain strange - a good mum is a good mum, and you alter your parenting style for each child, regardless of their sex.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 23/05/2013 09:41

People can be really wierd. I have 3 my first 2 were girls and the joy and jubiation from others that my husband finally had a son on my third made me a little Confused. We would have quite happily taken whatever we got, don't get me wrong obviously now I am delighted we have a son because we know and love him but a girl would be equally as good. My friend has 3 girls and many people expressed their disappointment for her husband. Whatever about our situation that is just plain rude.

amazingmumof6 · 23/05/2013 09:44

YANBU.

some people are stupid, fact.

whether you are a good mum or not is based on attitude, not on whether you have boys or girls.

we have 5 boys then baby girl.
the amount of crap comments I've been putting up with is unbelievable.
I think I've heard it all.

My advice is to ignore the daft comments and questions.

just concentrate on your family.
I hope your dream of having 4 children will come true!Smile

MsVestibule · 23/05/2013 09:45

What is so great about having one of each?

Erm, nothing, really! I have one of each, but would have perfectly happy with 2 girls or 2 boys. However, I have to confess, I'm glad I had one girl, simply because I think girls are generally a bit closer to their parents when they're grownup, although I know that doesn't always work out.

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