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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want anything to do with ex-friend and his child?

61 replies

TheSmallClanger · 22/05/2013 22:34

Situation has been rumbling on for several months now.

Close friends of ours have recently split up. The husband had been having an affair for 3 of the 5 years of his marriage. The OW became pregnant and he left his wife.

Since the split, I've not wanted to have anything to do with him. Basically, he isn't the person I thought he was. He has been lying to us all for a long time and has been vv cruel to his stbxwife - he has done a u-turn on wanting children and is now bleating on to anyone who will listen that stbxwife was trying to "deny him" fatherhood. The OW is much younger than him and he was in a position of trust when they met. It leaves a bad taste.

The baby has recently been born. I am still avoiding him, as is DH, although he has contacted us a few times trying to bury the hatchet.

It has been sad and regrettable, but DH and I felt we were doing the right thing.

However, other mutual friends think differently, and I have had one such talking to me today, and she told me I was being very unreasonable not to see the baby, as it is hardly her fault. This feels like guilt-tripping and I don't like it. Apparently, several people are going to the christening, and this friend thinks DH and I should go (we were invited).

My instinct is no, and to drop this man from our social circle. Am I actually BU?

OP posts:
AnitaManeater · 22/05/2013 22:38

YANBU I admire people who don't tolerate shitty behaviour from others.

AlanMoore · 22/05/2013 22:39

YANBU!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/05/2013 22:40

YANBU. You are perfectly entitled to end a friendship for any reason you like, and fwiw I don't think I'd want to continue a friendship with this guy either.

KatherineLacey · 22/05/2013 22:41

It's entirely up to you. In general, I would stick by a friend even if they had done something wrong like have an affair. But being lied to for three years is hard, and also his relationship with OW sounds a bit disturbing and like he might have been manipulating her. I think that would be enough to put me off someone.

It's not like you would have been a big part of the baby's life anyway (e.g. if you were baby's aunt or grandmother I might say try harder) so it doesn't really matter if you don't go to christening etc.

SanityClause · 22/05/2013 22:44

No, it's not the child's fault that you have decided to drop the father. But how will the child lose out if you do? That's a bizarre thing to say!

I think you are right to have the courage of your convictions. You don't need to make a fuss, but just do what you believe is right.

YANBU.

2rebecca · 22/05/2013 22:48

If he is no longer a friend and you don't like him then don't go. The baby is irrelevent, it's just a child of people you don't socialise with.

WilsonFrickett · 22/05/2013 22:48

Nope YANBU. I really value truth. I would be very hurt and upset that someone had lied to me for 3 years, I don't think I would want to be friends with that person at all. The comment about the baby is a bit silly, perhaps he's playing the 'new life new start' card.

The whole point of friends is you get to pick them - you're not stuck with them as you would be if this was your brother or something.

ENormaSnob · 22/05/2013 22:49

Yanbu

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/05/2013 22:54

YANBU. As for 'it's not the baby's fault' - what has that got to do with the price of fish? By that logic, you'd have to be friends with/put up with shitty behaviour from EVERY parent in the whole wide world! He's no longer a friend, and the mutual friends' opinions are irrelevant. If they want to be friends with a wanker that's their choice; however they don't get to choose you friends.

Slothlorien · 22/05/2013 22:55

YANBU

TheCatcherInTheRye · 22/05/2013 22:57

It's up to you. How can anyone have an opinion on that?

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 22/05/2013 22:58

Thanks for the perspective, everyone.

The friend who said the thing about it not being the baby's fault likes to prove how liberal and oh-so-laidback she is about everything, actually. I have a feeling she is on her way out as well.

DH has taken this worse than me, and does not want original ex-friend anywhere near our teenage DD.

OP posts:
KatherineLacey · 22/05/2013 22:58

How old is OW?

TolliverGroat · 22/05/2013 23:02

I think you should come and meet my children, actually, OP, and give them some nice presents. After all, it's not their fault that you and I have never met...

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 22/05/2013 23:02

21 Katherine, and he used to be her tutor at university. He is 33.

OP posts:
DiscoDonkey · 22/05/2013 23:02

Your not a family member so doubt very much the child will feel bereft at never having met you. It's not like you wish ill on his child. Your friend is being ridiculous.

Nothing like spring cleaning your friendship circle once in a while either!

KatherineLacey · 22/05/2013 23:04

Sounds dodge. At 21 you think you're a grown up, but you're not (at least, I wasn't). Did it start when she was 18 then?

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 22/05/2013 23:07

I believe so Katherine. At the same time as he was playing house with his wife, who he had been married to for 2 years and with for about 8. She is lovely and I have known them since they got together.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 22/05/2013 23:10

Oh ick. You are well rid in that case. Yuck yuck yuck.

KatherineLacey · 22/05/2013 23:10

That is way off. Obviously an affair would be wrong anyway, but with someone that young - just creepy. She has probably been much manipulated...

Original poster
TheSmallClanger · 22/05/2013 23:15

It has left me doubting my judgement TBH.

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 22/05/2013 23:17

You have no relationship with the child. You are not being unfair to it.

LittleMissLucy · 22/05/2013 23:18

YANBU in any way, shape or form. He sounds 100% tosser. Keep your distance. And if anyone in RL sees fit to tell you how you should include him, really its not their business the choice you make.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/05/2013 23:22

He sounds vile! YANBU! And your 'liberal' friend sounds a bit of a twat too.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2013 23:25

YANBU. Don't go. Life is too short to put up with shit from so-called friends.