to ask for positive pnd outcome stories?

[CailinDana]

Have finally admitted i have pnd. I've had depression before so i know i have a slow road to recovery ahead. I would so appreciate anyone else's stories of how they overcame pnd. I need some reassurance at the moment.

Be kind to yourself Cailin, you're doing the best for your baby that you can right now and that's what matters. You're not alone in having felt fear/anger/resentment towards your LO, that is one of the cruelest twists of PND.

I was fearful, fearful because when 'the baby' cried I felt rage. I never hurt her or even came near to it but the fear that I may lose control was ever present. My CBT therapist tells me that the people who worry they are bad mothers/may hurt their baby etc are exactly the people who never do. Because the people who do that sort of thing rarely question it as bad parenting.

Yes, pnd distorts your thinking and in turn behaviours, but you are still in there and you can (and are) getting through this.

Thinking of you today op x

Thank you badvoc. It's been a pretty good day - dh and mil took dcs to the park this morning so i got a bit of a break and we're just back from a pub lunch where dd slept the whole time. I still feel rubbish though.

I know.
It's very draining isnt it?
And so wanting to get better
Glad you had a rest today.
Just a thought I had earlier...are you taking any supplements ATM?
I know you will need to be careful with your current meds but perhaps a fish oil and multi vit might help long term with your health?
Also...don't just stay on these meds if you don't feel they are helping...there are loads out there. It took me 3 goes to get the "right" one!

I'm limited with what meds i can take due to bfing. Dd is still not keen on the bottle so i might be stuck with the ones i have.

I should be taking supplements though, will sort that.

I Would recommend good quality fish oils and a good multi vitamin.
A good brand are veg EPA.
You need high EPA, not DHA.

I'm trying hard to be ok with muddling through rather than perfect. That's tough for me.

Yes. It was hard for me too. Though to let stuff go and just go with the flow.

Just checking int o see how you are doing today Cailin. Glad you got a little rest.

I know that the recovery is slow (too slow if you ask me) but just reading back through the thread you are sounding a bit brighter and I think that's a really positive sign - you are starting to recover.

Having those moments of 'normality' is good and you will find that gradually, you will have more and more 'normal' moments until they outweigh the crappy stuff and then one day you will realise you've had an entire day of feeling 'normal'.

Just reaching out to you tonight Cailin. Thinking of ou and hoping dd has a good night.

Thanks chilled. Not a great night but feeling only moderately awful today.

The breast where i had the biopsy is lumpy red and sore. Rang the breast clinic and they just said to go to the gp tomorrow if it's not better. Sigh. It's just one thing after another at the moment.

:(
Yes it must seem unrelenting at the mo.
Hope you get more help ar the breast clinic x

Cailin,
I've avoided your thread as I still feel my experience with PND is so raw. I think I probably had ante and pnd with both children. DD is just over 4, DS just turned 2. I finally sought help when DS was about 3 months old. I would not take ads as I believed that bf was the only thing I was doing right in all my parenting. I had CBT and it really changed my life. Not through nhs and free and quick. If you are in NI I can give you the details of the specific provider. If not would you contact someone like mind and see if they have any resources?

I can't say when I became free of depression. I thought I was free of it after the CBT but looking back that had taken me a fair bit from rock bottom. Enough to allow me to keep on going. I realised recently I am though.

I'm still not the parent I would want to be. I'm a perfectionist and accepting that actually good enough is good enough is an ongoing battle.

But you will get there.

Thank you nameless. Can i ask you, honestly, how you find life with your two these days? Do you enjoy it?

I enjoy lots of aspects of being a parent and I don't remember when I last cried after a bad day. DS is a typical rough and tumble toddler trying to assert his own independence. With DD nothing is ever easy. I think that is part character and part relates to my depression and how I related to her in early days.

You find what works for you.

I went back to work 3 days a week when DS was 4.5 months and I needed some time outside the house. I would not enjoy full time parenting. That doesn't make me a bad parent. SAHM is in my mind the hardest job in the world.

I try to make sure I find some positive time with dd every day and we do a bit of love bombing. If I am feeling overwhelmed I invite a friend round for her - changes the dynamic and gives her another outlet for her energy. I find two 4 year olds easier than one. I try to remember she is only small and reduce my expectations. We read an build a lot.

DH has a few weekends away coming up and I'm not looking forward to it. So I'll arrange play dates, maybe get the GPs to have the children for a few hours one day. Take whatever help I can get. Ask for it and plan it.

I do stuff for me. Running. If I'm getting jangly I whack on my trainers and go. Because my family need me to be as calm as I can be.

I have let my standards re housework drop like a stone. I accept that's just how it is (most of the time).
And I make sure out contraception is like Fort Knox. DH has had a vasectomy and he has agreed that whilst it would be hard for both of us if I ever get pregnant again he will support me in an abortion. I feel spread really thin and know that I could not cope with another child.

Generally I'm pretty happy. DH is pretty happy. The children are pretty happy. I can look at my reflection and say I'm doing my best and its not too bad.

Hey Cailin. I feel like I've not said hi properly for a bit, but wanted to make sure you know that you're still in my thoughts. How are things today? Is the sunshine helping at all? Some days, I found it really helped, and others it just seemed to contrast w my mood.

Not too bad a day today. Think the meds are starting to work.

Yay for the drugs! Hang on in there.

I actually feel relatively normal today. I know there'll be good and bad days but i'm definitely beginning to see dd as a cute innocent baby rather than a scary menace. Her sleeping is horrendous and she still won't take a bottle so i'm proper tired but still i feel more together and with it than this time last week.

That's great news :)

Cailin, I'm so pleased for you that you're feeling better. And (if this doesn't sound too stalker-ish), I feel really proud of you that you've kept plugging away when you've felt so rotten and now you're reaping the rewards! My experience is that it's baby steps and there will be the odd rotten day, but once things started to get better for me, even bad days weren't as bad as the original bad days, if that makes sense.

I get you chilled. I'm wary of assuming that everything is suddenly fine - i know i'm not better yet. I do feel like the fog is starting to clear slowly which is such a relief.

When I was getting better, I felt like I was slowing finding myself again. So some days there would be a step back, but because I'd had loads of days of 2 steps forward, I never went all the way back into the fog.

I hope that you're really proud of yourself too. Enjoy the good days and if a bad day comes, it's easier to know that it's just one bad day once things improve.

xx