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To feel so hurt by my friends new views on abortion

53 replies

AnneNonimous · 19/05/2013 12:14

(This is nothing to do with the current pro life thread happening)

I have been best friends with my friend since school, around 11 years now. Since we met she has consistently been the closest person to me and we have been through so much together. No fallings out which is strange for a female friendship! We both had lots of hard times growing up and she knows me better than anybody else. At 15 I had an abortion. I was pregnant and terrified and it has haunted me ever since. She knows what a deep depression it sent me into and the outcomes of it.

In the last few years she has found religion and is now a Christian. It seems to have been a real saviour for her and I have never seen her so truly happy, so I'm delighted for her. But now it seems that she has become so judgemental and I don't like it. She constantly posts links on Facebook on how wrong abortion is, statuses about how wrong it is etc. I feel heartbroken seeing it wondering how she could be so thoughtless and what must she think of me.

I accept we will have different views, but this has made me almost feel attacked and judged for something I have felt bad about ever since. How am I meant to handle this?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 19/05/2013 13:09

I agree with ShowofHands friend as well.
:) Thankfully there are more of us than you'd think!

grimbletart · 19/05/2013 13:51

Sadly, catching religion can be like catching a disease - people who catch it should be careful how they spread it. It can damage others.

Doubtfuldaphne · 19/05/2013 14:30

She should not be pushing her views on everyone else it is disgusting the way she's acting. I delete people who put stuff on fb like this just because its supposed to be a fun place to go when you have a spare five minutes. As she is your best friend You should Send her a message and tell her how you feel. She might lecture you and if she does I would accept that she's not the person she use to be and see her a lot less. It's natural to feel guilty but you must remember its a decision you made a you made it for what you believe to be for the best so no one can judge you for that.
Don't let people bring you down.

somewherewest · 19/05/2013 16:29

Though to be fair, people "push their views on others" via Facebook all the time. I have a few friends who post atheist stuff now and then, some of which is fairly ignorant/aggressive/offensive. I'm not sure how much sympathy I'd get if I complained about that on AIBU though Grin

PrincessScrumpy · 19/05/2013 16:40

If she's really Christian then she shouldn't judge anyone. The point of christianity is everyone is human and we behave as such. Judgement is supposed to be for God. I'd block her from your wall.

LineRunner · 19/05/2013 16:44

There does seem to be a new drive in parts of Planet Loon to make girls and women who have had terminations feel as guilty and miserable as possible.

I would dump her.

Noorny · 19/05/2013 17:54

People are entitled to have religious views. She is no more insensitive towards your past history than you are intolerant towards her beliefs. Perhaps by broadcasting her views an innocent child's life may be saved.

Mia4 · 19/05/2013 18:14

YANBU to feel sad or to feel judged by her and as though she sees you in another light. What people put out there- online or off- about themselves leads us to see who they are and who they may change to be and sometimes it can be upsetting or even unpleasant.

But people are entitled to post what they like on their facebooks, the good thing is when you see it your can decide whether you want to stay friends with them. I'd personally hide her feed and posts.

Do you see her a lot? Does she say a lot of this stuff or is she a 'two-facer'-someone who sprouts on about things, political or personal or otherwise, but wouldn't be the same offline to people? Honestly, I'd limit her, don't interact at all on facebook and if you are good friends then bring it up with her. Or wait for her to ask why you aren't commenting on her facebook anymore.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/05/2013 18:29

The only difference isnoorny she's not posting "I hate Christians" all over face book.

Seekingsense · 19/05/2013 21:42

I really don't feel that Facebook is the correct forum for this sort of sensitive debate and hence, wish people would avoid these kind of emotionally charged topics all together.

I think that your friend is being particularly insensitive as she knows your history and supposedly knows you will read her status updates. There are much better ways for her to 'prevent' people having abortions, as others have said - offering support, helping with sex education etc.

As you have described your relationship as a close one, the best thing to do may be to discuss it directly with her. It will probably be a very difficult conversation and may result in a few tears, but at least she'll know how you feel and you'll know what sort of friend she's become. She may have just not thought about it and be mortified that she's hurt you.

YANBU. Good luck OP.

specialsubject · 19/05/2013 21:47

unfriend her, both on Facebook and in real life.

she thinks she is right, whatever. There are murdering dictators who think that too.

specialsubject · 19/05/2013 21:49

ps she is of course volunteering to adopt unwanted babies, however disabled? Anyone who thinks others should not have abortions has to be prepared to do this.

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/05/2013 21:53

Dump her.

She knows you had an abortion and she doesn't give a fuck - her new views mean more to her than hurting her oldest friend.

Don't make excuses for her just because she's suddenly indoctrinated.

This is why religion can be shit. She thinks she has the right to oppress and upset you.

You cannot get your friendship back. Preserve yourself now by deleting her on fb and from your RL.

quoteunquote · 19/05/2013 22:40

what lemon said.

BarredfromhavingStella · 19/05/2013 23:09

Judging something in the way your friend is isn't very Christian, forgiveness is Gods big thing isn't it...

mrspaddy · 19/05/2013 23:16

I think you need to be kinder to yourself OP. You were only 15. I hate the way has affected friendships. She is entitled to believe in whatever she does, but it is selfish if she knows what you are going through.

Stop her newsfeeds.

MrsRickyMartin · 19/05/2013 23:42

For all you know it could be about herself. Have one 'born again' christian friend who I know had lots of abortions (she used abortion as a contraceptive method) but now all her fb is about how bad abortion is. I don't understand but I have never asked and just hide it from my feeds. Some people are weird.

ripsishere · 20/05/2013 02:12

Noorney, not nice.
OP, IMO, you should unfriend her or block her on FB - I don't use it so I don't know what is possible.
I would continue being friends since she doesn't seem to bring the subject up IRL.
I'd also investigate getting some help to enable you to heal.
My DH is a devout RC person. He and I disagree vehemently about two subjects. Terminations and euthanasia. He respects my POV, I pity respect his. It's all about give and take.

samandi · 22/05/2013 08:23

I'll also add, that this is a common tactic of pro-life activists. They will continually state how dangerous abortions are and how people suffer so much after having them both physically and mentally. But they, almost gleefully, show pictures of aborted fetuses (mostly fakes or mislabeled) slut-shame and insult women who have them, continually telling them how evil what they did was. They want women to suffer after having abortions because they can use then use that suffering as a weapon to attack abortion.

Yes, these kinds of tactics are incredibly grubby and nasty.

Nothing winds an anti-choice activist up like saying you had an abortion and it was the best thing you ever did. I wish more women would come out and say it, but understand why they don't.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/05/2013 09:04

Noorny, read the post before posting your drivel.

OP said she was "delighted" for her friend when she became a Christian because she knew it made her friend happy.

Nowhere in her post does OP say she is intolerant of her friend's religious beliefs.

xylem8 · 22/05/2013 09:14

You did say of your abortion:-
' it has haunted me ever since. She knows what a deep depression it sent me into and the outcomes of it.'

I think she could be forgiven for thinking that, with the benefit of hindsight, abortion perhaps wasn't the right choice for you. The stuff she is posting on facebook isn't a critcism of you

LineRunner · 22/05/2013 11:12

samandi Yes, I agree.

I had a termination some years ago and I am fine.

CelticPixie · 22/05/2013 11:17

YANBU. I think pro- lifers should just fuck off and STFU period. They are so vocal and irritating but they have no right whatsoever to try and tell other women what to do with their bodies.

pinkballetflats · 22/05/2013 11:17

She's entitled to her views. Hide her FB feed? I think what's more important is how she treats you as a friend - if she starts to let her own personal views that she has recently gained bleed into your relationship I'd cut ties.

Pootles2010 · 22/05/2013 11:19

Agree with samandi and linerunner, I had one when I was 18, thank god i did. Never felt bad about it.

Have you read Caitlin Moran's piece about it? Tbh it's the first thing I've read where another woman says she's had one, and doesn't feel bad - it was quite freeing, I thought it was just me being heartless not regretting it.

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