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To feel so hurt by my friends new views on abortion

53 replies

AnneNonimous · 19/05/2013 12:14

(This is nothing to do with the current pro life thread happening)

I have been best friends with my friend since school, around 11 years now. Since we met she has consistently been the closest person to me and we have been through so much together. No fallings out which is strange for a female friendship! We both had lots of hard times growing up and she knows me better than anybody else. At 15 I had an abortion. I was pregnant and terrified and it has haunted me ever since. She knows what a deep depression it sent me into and the outcomes of it.

In the last few years she has found religion and is now a Christian. It seems to have been a real saviour for her and I have never seen her so truly happy, so I'm delighted for her. But now it seems that she has become so judgemental and I don't like it. She constantly posts links on Facebook on how wrong abortion is, statuses about how wrong it is etc. I feel heartbroken seeing it wondering how she could be so thoughtless and what must she think of me.

I accept we will have different views, but this has made me almost feel attacked and judged for something I have felt bad about ever since. How am I meant to handle this?

OP posts:
MrsLettuce · 19/05/2013 12:17

I think you have to be frank and honest with her. Tell her you respect her views but can't hack the Facebook stuff then hide her from your feed.

StickEmUpPunk · 19/05/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2013 12:17

It sounds like you need to come to terms with your abortion and make peace with yourself. Have you had any therapy?

You can't rely on those around you to keep their thoughts and views to themselves because life's not like that.

But once you've come to terms with it, I doubt you'll care about what others think.

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 12:18

She is entitled to express her views. Dare I suggest you feel an element of guilt, hence feeling judged?

samandi · 19/05/2013 12:20

YANBU to feel unhappy she has turned into a bit of a loon. YABU to let her new views upset you.

AnneNonimous · 19/05/2013 12:20

I do feel guilty and I have had various therapies but I know I still haven't come to terms with it. I know I can't hide from people's views but as my best friend who knows how much it still hurts me and how hard it was for me aibu for being hurt by her constant Facebook opinions?

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/05/2013 12:21

She is entitled to her opinion. However posting links up on face books out it whether her friends have been through it or not is just disgusting tbh.

I'm sure she probably doesn't realise how it's making you feel but I can see why it upsets you x

It's incredibly insensitive of her to be posting that kind of stuff.

NumTumDeDum · 19/05/2013 12:24

Have you tried talking to her about this or is it too painful a subject to raise directly? Is there any chance she has forgotten?

Whilst it is perfectly possible to be friends with someone who has opposing views on certain topics, this is a particularly emotive one for you.

If she recalls perfectly well what you went through and carries on pushing her links, I think I would have to conclude that she in insensitive at best and passive aggressive at worst. Had she spoken to you about it or in some way acknowledged your past that might be one thing, but this is broadcasting directly to you and everyone she knows that she disapproves. It is difficult to reconcile action of that kind with genuine friendship.

Sadly I don't think you can resolve this without discussing it with her which will obviously be difficult. She is entitled to her views, but surely a friend would be more sensitive and considerate.

CheerfulYank · 19/05/2013 12:26

I'm not necessarily pro choice "at any time, for any reason" and if a friend honestly wanted to know my opinions I'd talk about them, but I'd never just put it out there because I have friends like you, and it would hurt them. She's entitled to her opinion of course but I think YANBU.

CrapsWithBears · 19/05/2013 12:26

I agree with Worra, it's absolutely hurtful that people post nonsense like that, but they do have the right to do that (and I'm an extremely vocal pro-choice activist.)

Hide her posts, seek counseling to help you come to terms with your abortion. You have nothing to feel bad about. Flowers

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 12:27

One of my favourite phrases is "only God can judge" - you might like to plonk that on all of her links.

Raaraathenoisybaby · 19/05/2013 12:27

Yanbu. A have a few friends who are very Christian. When I was abroad I spent a lot of time hanging out with friend E and I thought he was such a good friend. When I left to come home he gave me earnestly piles of books and stuff and a long letter about pretty much why I need to find god. I was really upset about this. This happened again with friend K who started hounding me about going to Christian events with her and finding god. I realise this isn't what your friend is doing but I empathise so much about how it affects you.
They seem to get so carried away - esp born again types (I am not being rude about them this is my personal experiences) and forget earlier values etc.
I think you are entitled to be firm and say look - I'm so glad this path is working out for you and I support you but please stop preaching at me/everyone!

CloudsAndTrees · 19/05/2013 12:28

Hide her FB posts.

If its just FB, then it's easily ignored. She might find what you did wrong, but then presumably you find what she is doing now wrong.

You don't have to have the same opinions on things to be friends.

If she brings it up with you personally, then that will be much harder to handle.

CrapsWithBears · 19/05/2013 12:30

I'll also add, that this is a common tactic of pro-life activists. They will continually state how dangerous abortions are and how people suffer so much after having them both physically and mentally. But they, almost gleefully, show pictures of aborted fetuses (mostly fakes or mislabeled) slut-shame and insult women who have them, continually telling them how evil what they did was. They want women to suffer after having abortions because they can use then use that suffering as a weapon to attack abortion.

Bobyan · 19/05/2013 12:31

Don't feel bad, you have nothing to feel bad about.
you might want to discuss with her about how being a good Christian involves not judging people.

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2013 12:32

I share "German Shepherds are the best" posts, on my feeds, my friends can hide it, if they feel the need, IMO German Shepherds are the best dogs on the planet.

I am not making light of the situation, but giving an example of people filling their wall with what they believe.

Hide her and tell her, my DD posts under every one of my pictures "you wouldn't think you had DD's, just dogs", tough, my feeds, my opinion.

Hide her and explain why. Then work on coming to terms with your abortion.

I posted on the other thread, we (me and my DH) had to make the decision to end a pregnancy, it would have been our childrens full sibling. I am confident that it was the right decision, it has taken time, but i can calmly agree to disagree on this subject and see stuff without batting an eyelid at it.

KatyDid02 · 19/05/2013 12:38

Hugs OP. I am against abortion, as a Christian it kind of doesn't fit in with my beliefs. However, she has to respect your views and it sounds to me like she is being insensitive if she knows you have had an abortion.
I'd set your facebook up so you don't see what she is posting and then try to forget about it.

ShowOfHands · 19/05/2013 12:43

I am so sorry you still feel so affected by what happened when you were 15. It is never too late to come to terms with it. I hope for one moment you don't feel you 'deserve' to feel the way you do because of what you did? I can tell you right now that you absolutely do not.

I have a very good friend who is a staunch Christian and I know she's steadfastly pro-life BUT her approach to it is bloody admirable. She works tirelessly to look at how to support women who find themselves in certain situations, actively involves herself in education which prevents such outcomes and I know through frank discussion that while she is vehemently opposed to termination, she never judges the woman, only the act. And if she knows that a woman has been down that route (and she knows a few), then she approaches it from two angles: is it any of my business in the first place and if they do share this with me then how can I still support them and help them through a hard time. She says it's almost a 'love the sinner, hate the sin' attitude but she would never be so trite or blaming as to actually use that phrase seriously. She feels that she is a good Christian because she strives to understand, not judge. And I think that's right tbh.

I doubt you'll change your friend's attitude really. She's entitled to it. Hide her feed for now and seek support for you.

twofingerstoGideon · 19/05/2013 12:46

I would not only hide her feed, I would 'defriend' her on FB. If she notices and asks why, you can tell her. This doesn't mean you need to defriend her in real life; it just means you don't need to read her bigoted bollocks on FB.

Some people seem happy to offend others (whether intentionally or not) on an internet page, when they wouldn't dream of doing so in RL.

TheYoniWayisGerard · 19/05/2013 12:46

YANBU in the slightest, OP. Not they same as your situation, but I have a friend who found Christianity/a boyfriend and is now the most judgemental person going. It's very wearing and it is upsetting when they post judgy things, you are always feeling that it is a personal attack. Incidently, she is also one of the most hypocritical people I know too, openly sneered at people for having babies outside marriage, but happily has pre-marital sex with her boyfriend. But, I digress. But I know exactly what you mean.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/05/2013 12:48

Tbh I don't think it's very Christian to be posting these links knowing that every friend of every person who likes or comments in the link , then unknowingly enables all of their friends to see it. It can easily mount to hundreds of people, many of which could have been through something horrific and had abortions or whatever. Surely that's against the peace and live and forgiveness that Christianity is meant to be about?

ll31 · 19/05/2013 12:48

Understand your upset,but yabu to think she shouldn't put what she wants on her facebook page . Hide it and tell her why.

People are perfectly entitled to be pro or anti abortion,neither position makes them unreasonable.

twofingerstoGideon · 19/05/2013 12:50

Showofhands I think your friend is very unusual. Good on her. I wish there were more like her.

Our local Christian, anti-abortion group, which demonstrates and harasses people outside clinics, has no interest whatsoever in supporting women or actively promoting contraceptive education. All they're interested in is judging.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2013 12:51

" as my best friend who knows how much it still hurts me and how hard it was for me"
Clutching at straws here, I know; but - is it possible that her "abortion is wrong" stems from her knowing you have struggled to move on from your abortion? And that she is misguidedly thinking that she is being supportive? (I'm struggling to see this as really possible, but some people are so tactless and socially inept that it's on the edge of possibility IYSWIM.)

Otherwise, I would just ask her to her face - 'Every time you post about abortion being wrong, I feel you are attacking me, and it hurts. Are you attacking me?' You need to know if she would be willing to continue hurting you, knowing that she is hurting you. And she needs to know if she values Christian compassion more or less than she values Christian doctrine.

somewherewest · 19/05/2013 12:58

More or less 'pro-life' Christian checking in here. For me ShowOfHands' friend's approach is the Christian one. If you really do want to see less abortions, than support good sex education; good, accessible contraception and speak out against anything which coerces women into sex (you can also of course put forward the argument that reserving sex for stable, committed relationships is a pretty good idea, but you have to accept that many people won't be interested in that). You should also be in favour of anything that supports families, especially single parent ones, so that an unplanned pregnancy doesn't seem so daunting. If you do feel up to talking to your friend, why not ask her what she's practically doing about that?

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