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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ro be upset with dh for lack of thought

83 replies

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 09:59

I'm pretty sure i'm not but usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time....

Yesterday I was very very hurt and upset by something that happened with my parents and my brother but that's a whole other thread.

At around half 8 last night I just needed some space and time to myself so went out for a drive and tbh a good sob to myself. Dh knew why I had gone for a drive and why I was so upset.

After I had got it of my system I drove home expecting dh to give me a big hug and tell me I'm loved and its their problem not mine. But no....he'd gone to bed and was fast asleep.....the only one there for me was my cat.

I felt so hurt that my dh wasn't waiting to comfort me and that his bed was more important. it wasn't late it was half ten

OP posts:

Yettish · 19/05/2013 10:02

YABU for going for a drive when you were upset. You need full, calm attention to drive safely. Driving while upset or angry is as dangerous as driving drunk. Next time, go for a walk.

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 10:02

I find it odd you left the house to be by yourself and have a cry and expect someone to be waiting to comfort you. In a normal relationship you'd have talked it through with DH and he'd have cuddled you if you were upset. I find it peculiar he wasn't your first port of call in such a situation.

Possibly because you isolated yourself he didn't want to encroach on your time.

WannaBeANinja · 19/05/2013 10:02

maybe he was tired!

TheCutOfYourJib · 19/05/2013 10:03

Well he was obviously tired if he was fast asleep. You sound a bit needy.

Casmama · 19/05/2013 10:04

Does this sort of thing happen often because your expectations are very specific?
You wanted space and he gave you space.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 19/05/2013 10:05

You went for a drive on your own suggesting that you didn't want to talk about it. You even said you wanted to be on your own. I think you gave too many mixed signals, and he probably thought he was doing the right thing to give you space.

LeaveTheBastid · 19/05/2013 10:05

If you wanted comfort you should have stayed home you can't say you needed space hen expect him to be waiting with open arms when you decide you need him now.

He probably thought he was doing you a favour being out of your way when you got home.

Unless you specifically said "could do with a hug when I get home" them YABU. He isn't psychic.

CrapsWithBears · 19/05/2013 10:05

I'm agreeing with Holly and Jib it does seem pretty needy and unreasonable that you expect him to be waiting for you, when clearly you'd made an effort to isolate yourself.

about your family upsetting you.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:05

I think he was selfish, i would have been worried sick if my partner did this - i would have of course respected their need to be alone, but i would be damned sure i wouldn't have gone to bed! I may well have fallen asleep on the sofa but i would have waited up.

Sorry that you are having a crap time.

CrazyOldCatLady · 19/05/2013 10:06

If you wanted space and time to yourself he probably thought you didn't need him. How was he supposed to know that when you got home, your requirements would have changed? He's not psychic, presumably?

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:08

I think the other posters here are being a bit harsh - sometimes when upset is raw, you need time to process it, you may want to get away from your usual environment and be alone to do this. I would have thought that once the OP got her thoughts straight, she would have appreciated a cuddle and a bit of sympathy when she got home. I can't see any way in which it is needy.

Yettish · 19/05/2013 10:08

I think he was selfish, i would have been worried sick if my partner did this

I think this is what OP wanted - for her partner to be worried sick about her driving around on her own and sobbing, enjoying the drama.

He had more sense than to play that stupid game.

Original poster

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 10:09

I didn't drive far just to the park as my dh isn't the talking type and I didn't want my dd's to hear me crying and upset especially when it was over their grandparents who they are extremely close to.

I just thought he'd be there just to hug me

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/05/2013 10:10

Yettish.

Why put the boot in to an upset OP?

DiscoDonkey · 19/05/2013 10:10

Think Yabu about your dh. Sorry your parents have upset you though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/05/2013 10:11

Re your DP..he maybe handles stuff differently and thought you needed space?

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:11

Don't take it too hard OP. He didn't know that was what your expectations of him were.

Vividmemories · 19/05/2013 10:12

How was he meant to know you wanted that? You left him home with the DDs, he was tired and went to bed, probably in anticipation of a hard day ahead (ie today, looking after DDs while you're upset).

DiscoDonkey · 19/05/2013 10:13

Sadly I think it's a common theme on mn these days to be as harsh as you can on an OP. it almost like a sport for some posters.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/05/2013 10:13

You are obviously upset, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a hug and some emotional support from your DH. But by going out you basically told him that you didn't need that and that you wanted space to be on your own.

You can't tell someone that you want to be alone and then expect them to be a mind reader and know that you do actually want them around and at what time.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:14

Yettish - if the thing that upset her was her DH then yes, you could argue that she was being a drama llama but it was something else, she wanted time to process then a hug when she got home. I think it was pretty shitty for her DH to take himself off to bed without making sure she was ok when she got back. Maybe his empathy levels are on par with yours!

moogy1a · 19/05/2013 10:14

I didn't want my dd's to hear me crying and upset
Sweet lord, how loudly were you planning on crying??
All sounds a bit amdram to me

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:15

I think this is one of those threads with a fair few sheep on it

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 19/05/2013 10:15

YABU. He's not psychic. Unless I was specifically told otherwise, I'd presume that someone who was upset and went for a drive alone for 2 hours, actually wanted to be alone.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 19/05/2013 10:16

To be a little more fair to him did he have any idea at all what time you'd be back? Had you said "Won't be long" or something? I get that you wanted comfort but perhaps you needed to be more specific in explaining your needs.

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