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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ro be upset with dh for lack of thought

83 replies

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 09:59

I'm pretty sure i'm not but usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time....

Yesterday I was very very hurt and upset by something that happened with my parents and my brother but that's a whole other thread.

At around half 8 last night I just needed some space and time to myself so went out for a drive and tbh a good sob to myself. Dh knew why I had gone for a drive and why I was so upset.

After I had got it of my system I drove home expecting dh to give me a big hug and tell me I'm loved and its their problem not mine. But no....he'd gone to bed and was fast asleep.....the only one there for me was my cat.

I felt so hurt that my dh wasn't waiting to comfort me and that his bed was more important. it wasn't late it was half ten

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:17

OP - i'd ask to get this to be moved to relationships, you'll get a more measured response there.

plainjaney · 19/05/2013 10:18

He can't read your mind, he thinks you want space, he's given you that. If you wanted comfort when you returned you could have woken him and asked.
I tell my DH when I need space too, but when I'm over my mood/tantrum/pms etc I go to him and ask for a cuddle because he doesn't know I'm over it and need a hug.

EleanorFarjeon · 19/05/2013 10:18

He's not a mind reader.

My dad's advice to me on my wedding day was 'don't make silent demands'.

Maybe he thought you needed time alone.

TheOneWithTheHair · 19/05/2013 10:19

I wouldn't expect dh to wait for me but he probably would anyway, just to check I was ok.

I would do the same for him.

However I would seriously worry that he didn't try to stop you driving when you were in a state.

LeaveTheBastid · 19/05/2013 10:20

It's not harsh at all Donkey. What's harsh is being very hurt by your DH because he didn't know that when you pissed off for a cry and some space that he needed to be there with open arms, a cup of tea and plenty of "there there's" whenever it was that she decided to return. She said she wanted space and she got it, can't see the problem. She didn't make her expectations clear. She left the house because she wanted to be alone, her DH probably thought that given that she left the house to be alone it'd be good for her if she had the run of the house alone when she got home, too.

livinginwonderland · 19/05/2013 10:21

YABU, but I do get why you're upset. If my DP did this, I'd assume he wanted to just be alone so I would be happy to go to bed and leave him be - he's an adult, after all. If I was the upset one, I'd talk to DP first, then if I wanted the alone time, I'd do that aftewards.

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:22

My dad's advice to me on my wedding day was 'don't make silent demands'.

Your dad is very wise. How can anone pass a test they didn't know was being set?

Bunbaker · 19/05/2013 10:23

I'm sorry your parents have upset you Flowers and hope you feel better today. Unfortunately I think your expectations about your husband waiting up for you were a little unrealistic. You told him you wanted to be alone, so he gave you the space to do so. He won't have realised that you also wanted him to make a fuss of you when you came home unless you specifically asked him to. I think you need to make it clearer to him what you expect of him - he isn't a mind reader. If you gave out the "leave me alone" message perhaps he felt pushed out? Also, if he was already asleep he must have been extremely tired or you were out for a very long time.

I'm sorry, but I agree with moogy. Do you cry so loudly that when you are in another room other people can hear you? Could you not have just gone up to your bedroom?

Ragwort · 19/05/2013 10:24

'don't make silent demands' - that is one the best pieces of advice I have heard for a long time Eleanor - so many misunderstandings/communication breakdowns could be avoided if people (men and women) could calmly state their needs/expectations without going all sulky and expecting their partners to be mind readers. Also applies to all sorts of relationships - with children/friends/relatives etc etc You see this time and again on Mumsnet, and in RL

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:24

There's nothing weong with your kids seeing you cry on accasion anyway.
Or do parents not have feelings?

Sallystyle · 19/05/2013 10:25

I have a rule, if I want something from my husband I ask him for it. He's not a mind reader so if I want a hug or something and he doesn't think to give it to me I ask him.

I don't understand people who expect their husbands to know exactly what it is that they want.

I am sorry your family hurt you but don't feel bad for your husband not being up, he thought you wanted space and he gave it to you. Next time, ask for what you want x

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 10:25

I'm biting my tongue on this - but I have a mental picture of a flouncer, off for a boo hoo in the park. It's just so melodramatic.

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:25

Sxcuse typing...the letters have all rubbed off on my ketboatd and it's hard to tell what you're hitting.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:26

I am gobsmacked by the lack of sympathy on this thread.

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:27

Holly - that's not biting your tongue. Wink

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 10:29

pictish believe me, I am. Grin

Ragwort · 19/05/2013 10:29

It is possible to be sympathetic but also gently suggesting that the whole scenario could have been better handled; obviously in RL we would be kinder to a friend who had this issue but in a forum things come across in a more blunt way because we haven't got time/energy to type out loads of sympathtic comments and then some practical advice.

Original poster
Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 10:30

this is not something that happened before I have never been so hurt, upset and betrayed by anyone let alone my parents.

My reasoning is that if it were the other way round i'd have stayed up til he was home and just hugged him and told him I loved him.....sorry if my view of relationships is wrong........

OP posts:
pictish · 19/05/2013 10:30

Ok then Grin.
I admire your restraint.

ParadiseChick · 19/05/2013 10:31

Op ignore the bitchy fuckers. Some people seem to make it their objective to take the polar opposite point of view from the op and be as shit as possible about it.

I've taken myself out before, drove to the sea (ten minutes away) and worked through my thoughts. It's not dramatic. After a day of the usual hectic life stuff it's hard to get the physical and mental space sometimes. I don't storm out, just tell dh I'm heading out. Sometimes you don't want to talk.

But he isn't a mind reader. Be a bit more open with him.

Hope you're feeling better today.

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:31

OP - you're going to have outline the parent scenario now you do realise?

NoelHeadbands · 19/05/2013 10:31

I think he was probably just trying to give you the space he thought you needed.

How was he with you this morning?

CrapsWithBears · 19/05/2013 10:32

Spinme if it's never happened before then really how is your DH meant to know how to react? Just because you'd do something, doesn't mean that everyone would automatically do the same thing too.

Again, I'm very sorry your parents have upset you. It's amazing how people the closest to you know exactly what to say to twist the knife, sometimes. Thanks

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/05/2013 10:32

How shitty to criticise someone for the manner in which they become upset

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 10:32

I don't get this mind reader crap, her husband should know his wife.

He wouldn't even let me take the car if I was that upset, he would suggest a walk or offer to make me a cup of coffee.

Being in a loving relationship means you shouldn't have to tell your DP what you need emotionally.

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