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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ro be upset with dh for lack of thought

83 replies

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 09:59

I'm pretty sure i'm not but usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time....

Yesterday I was very very hurt and upset by something that happened with my parents and my brother but that's a whole other thread.

At around half 8 last night I just needed some space and time to myself so went out for a drive and tbh a good sob to myself. Dh knew why I had gone for a drive and why I was so upset.

After I had got it of my system I drove home expecting dh to give me a big hug and tell me I'm loved and its their problem not mine. But no....he'd gone to bed and was fast asleep.....the only one there for me was my cat.

I felt so hurt that my dh wasn't waiting to comfort me and that his bed was more important. it wasn't late it was half ten

OP posts:

pictish · 19/05/2013 10:35

Being in a loving relationship means you shouldn't have to tell your DP what you need emotionally.

That's a lovely notion. Sounds so reasonable.
It's unrealistic though. Our needs and priorities often change. Communication is all....

NoelHeadbands · 19/05/2013 10:35

But McNew I don't always react to everything in the same way. I wouldn't expect my husband to always know what is 100% the right thing to do for me at that time, and vice versa

TheCutOfYourJib · 19/05/2013 10:38

Without knowing how or why your parents upset you, we only have," I was upset " to go on.
From that standpoint it sounds like you were being dramatic. Driving off to "be alone" crying loudly. You aren't getting a kicking just people saying what they think, because you asked.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 10:39

The way I see it is this - it doesn't actually matter whether or not the OP WANTED her DH to be there for her when she was home. If this were my DP i would want to know he was home safely before i headed off to bed. If i were tired iwould have snoozed on the sofa and waited to see if he wanted to talk/have a cuddle when he got home.

CaramelLatte · 19/05/2013 10:41

I don't think it was unreasonable to expect your DH to still be up just to check if you were ok. Don't get why others think otherwise to be honest, it is just the decent thing to do surely, make sure your lived ones are alright and support them in times like this.

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 10:41

Neither do I react the same way every time, but I know my dh would have waited up offered a cup of coffee and said I am here if you need me.

CaramelLatte · 19/05/2013 10:42

loved not lived.

Bunbaker · 19/05/2013 10:43

"I don't get this mind reader crap, her husband should know his wife."

Not all men are good at picking up mixed messages. If I said to OH "leave me alone" he wouldn't be able to read that I really meant "give me a cuddle".

NoelHeadbands · 19/05/2013 10:44

Mine would too, but that isn't the same as absolutely 'knowing' what I need emotionally

CrapsWithBears · 19/05/2013 10:50

I think it'd probably be a good idea if OP actually asked why he went to bed and let him know she was upset. Again, he may have been a little thoughtless, but you should have made it clear to him what you wanted. Some people are bad at dealing with emotional situations like this.

I think you should explain to him that in the future you'd like it if he waited up for you, that way he knows the appropriate response you expect from him.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 19/05/2013 10:59

I know everyones relationship is different, but I personally think that in this situation a husband should know that their wife is going to need some support once they had that time to cry/process it all. I really like the silent demands advice, but in my relationship this would be something that didn't need to be said. It's an unspoken agreement that I will be there for DH to support him and he will be there for me whenever we are struggling emotionally. It would seem that the OP made the assumption that they had the same agreement and so is devastated that this doesn't seem to be the case. So sorry OP, it must be horrible to feel let down by your parents, brother and now your DH.

I do agree it's probably not the wisest idea to drive when you are so emotional, but we've all had times where we just need to get away.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/05/2013 11:01

Oooooooooohhhhhhh, have you always been such a drama lama ??

badguider · 19/05/2013 11:02

I can see why you were disappointed he wasn't still up when you got home and felt you needed a cuddle, but honestly I don't think he could have known when you'd be back or what you would want when you came back as you didn't even know.

You can't control yesterday, but today you can open up and communicate with your DH.. you can say that you love him and you wished he'd still been up when you got home for a cuddle (but don't 'blame' him or accuse him).

So many people on MN just don't seem to communicate with their dh/dp when they are upset with them...

ParadiseChick · 19/05/2013 11:16

What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?

LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 11:20

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh have you always been so thoughtless apocalypse?

How are those comments helpful?

Original poster

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 11:31

have spoken to dh and told him I would have appreciated him waiting up for me and he said sorry for not doing so but he was tired despite not getting up til 11am yesterday morning. But its his weekend lie in after being at work all week.

Maybe I'm a bitch, maybe not I don't know anymore but just feel very alone right now.....

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 11:35

When I am upset with Dh I do tell him, but the op isn't upset over something her dh did she is upset over another her parents.

Do you all really have to instruct your partners over emotional support, because I believe emotional support should be given because you love and care for that person.

Bunbaker · 19/05/2013 11:44

I still maintain that when you make it perfectly clear you want to be alone you cannot expect someone who feels pushed out to be there for you.

I think the OP's husband probably felt that he wasn't wanted or needed at that point, plus he was very tired so went to bed.

How long were you out Spinme307?

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/05/2013 11:47

are you passing some of hurt and upset caused by your parents and brother on to your DP?

As for for those saying he should know what the OP wants, I have always found that verbal communication is the key to preventing missunderstanding.

cory · 19/05/2013 11:52

"Don't take it too hard OP. He didn't know that was what your expectations of him were."

I think this sums it up. Just a case of misunderstanding, it's nobody's fault really, these things happen. I find it helps to be very specific about my needs to dh. It's not because he doesn't give emotional support without being asked: it's because sometimes, just like the OP, I am quite specific about the support I need (first I need to be left alone, then I need a hug).

I think my tendency to verbalise stems from years of watching my father floundering, trying to offer support, then finding it was the wrong type, and finally getting too afraid to do anything for fear of getting it wrong again.

The truth is that dh and I are very different people- and even I am not totally consistent from one occasion to another- so there is plenty of scope for getting things wrong. And I would find it equally frustrating if dh blamed me afterwards for not instinctively understanding how he wanted to be supported, when his reactions are so totally different from what seems the natural reaction to me.

Numberlock · 19/05/2013 11:59

What's the issue with your parents and is it able to be resolved? Can your husband help you practically to work on this?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2013 12:35

"usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time"
OP, what do you mean by this? What things?

Original poster

Spinme307 · 19/05/2013 12:49

Just generally things end up being my fault, problems with my brother, misunderstandings with dh, difficulties with dd's......etc.

Dh is well aware of what happened with parents and brother but he wont ever get involved in it he's not that kind of person and right now I don't feel like I can face parents or brother without wanting to scream at them....
I'm only ever wanted when they need something the rest of the time only my siblings will do....

OP posts:

chinam · 19/05/2013 12:54

Op. shame on you for being the first person in the whole world to behave slightly irrationally when upset. Aren't you lucky you had so many lovely posters to show you the error of your ways...

PoppyAmex · 19/05/2013 13:03

"What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?"

Nothing, but that's the point exactly, she needed some space and her DH gave her some.

"Don't make silent demands"
Eleanor, that's excellent advice.

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