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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think he should be able to hear the baby cry at night?

113 replies

TheDetective · 17/05/2013 17:24

I suspect a lot of people have this 'problem'. A DP/DH who 'doesn't hear' the baby cry at night.... Hmm

DP is currently on additional paternity leave. I should be back in work, but am currently off sick. Baby is 5 months old. DP has never woke at night to his cries.

I am thoroughly pissed off now, and the fact he is on paternity leave makes it worse IMO, as this time off is to care for the baby! Had I been back in work, this week I'd have been doing nights. And he doesn't wake?!

Our baby wakes anything from 3-20 times a night don't ask. DP does get up for him - but I have to kick/push him til he is awake. So I'm well and truly awake by the end of this. It can take 10 minutes to get him out of bed. I can feel myself getting more angry when I think of it!

He said he is a heavy sleeper - just doesn't hear him. Are you fucking kidding? I'm a heavy sleeper, but I still hear my baby cry!!

A couple of nights ago, the baby was on his chest screaming, while he was asleep. WTAF?? I had to wake him even though there was a screaming writhing 5 month old on top of him.

So I've not slept properly in over 7 months now thanks pregnancy insomnia! and I'm at the end of my tether. We've had rows over this. He said he doesn't know what he can do. Neither do I. But it has to stop! When I am back in work I will be on 2 weeks of night shifts a month, and I am petrified that my poor baby will be screaming all night. I want to walk away and book in to a hotel for a night and leave him to it. But how can I leave a baby with a man that does not wake up?!

AIBU to think that being a 'heavy sleeper' is not an excuse to not wake up when your baby cries?

DP reads MN, so I hope he finds this...

It's a good fucking job he has good points I swear.

OP posts:
Catbiscuit · 17/05/2013 18:46

Dh is similar! He would sleep through anything!
He has an alarm clock designed for deaf people that you put under your pillow and it vibrates violently at the set time. You can get similar things as baby monitors that vibrate when the baby cries, just as normal ones make a noise or flash lights. We haven't got one because dh can just about wake up if I'm not there by putting our baby monitor literally right next to his pillow on full volume, plus baby in next room with doors open and although he takes longer than I would to wake up, that does wake him up!
If you are in the same room trying to sleep though I'd go for one of the silent vibrating ones instead :-)

Yama · 17/05/2013 18:48

Dear God, I hope people don't believe this male/female biology pish.

My dh gets up far, far more often than I (post breastfeeding). Here's the thing - because he does it - I don't.

Justaperfectday · 17/05/2013 18:49

Sockreturningpixie, maybe not in your experience but they do exist!

Original poster
TheDetective · 17/05/2013 18:49

Fabulous. I'll look at those vibrating monitors. That could work...

Off to amazon!

OP posts:
Catbiscuit · 17/05/2013 18:49

Dh is definitely worse because of constant sleep deprivation though. He needs much less sleep than me but pushes his luck all the time by going to bed much later than he should and hence once he does get to bed he sleeps like the dead and is impossible to drag out of bed in the mornings!!

MimsyBorogroves · 17/05/2013 18:50

Mine does this too. He never wakes when DS cries in the night - his bedroom is right next to ours, thin walls.

He can, however, wake up in an instant if the cat cries outside, at the other side of the house, when all the windows are closed. Hmm

Thingiebob · 17/05/2013 18:53

Didn't the Tanya Byron programme do an experiment about this? The results suggested that men and women both hear babies crying at night and the idea that women are biologically wired to respond faster is horseshit.

honeytea · 17/05/2013 18:55

My DP is the same, he wakes up in the morning and says "well done ds, you slept so well last night!!" he doesn't realise if I have been up lots in the night.

My ds is 5 months too, the unsafe co-sleeping would really really worry me, not so much at 5 months but with a young baby. My dp fell asleep on the sofa with ds when he was around 2 months, I was so upset and worried, now dp doesn't sit on the sofa with ds he sits on a hard chair so he won't fall asleep.

Could you set up a safe co-sleeping enviroment with ds in a baby sleepingbag and dp with no pillows and only a sheet, you could sleep in ds's room, my ds hits to wake me up now, maybe your ds would do the same.

If you are in the same room as your dp could you have a spray bottle of water and spray it in his face to wake up?

frissonpink · 17/05/2013 18:57

I think it's how men are wired Grin

I would say though you sound terribly sleep deprived, which is no laughing matter (remember it well)

Is there no where you can go even just for one night just to give you a full night's kip? Leave him in charge? I do think he would wake if he knew you weren't there?

Or alternatively, if you don't trust him to wake up, could you leave your baby with say, your mum for just one night?

A good night's sleep could work wonders for you.

Oh..and second the controlled crying..(even though I know it's a contentious issue on here, it worked for us :) )

Original poster
TheDetective · 17/05/2013 19:04

No option to sleep in the babys room, it is a 2m x2m box room, no room to swing a cat, let alone fit my lard arse in Grin.

I think DP would go mental if I sprayed him with water. But that's an idea...

I've already shown him the baby monitor. He just laughed. Hmm

Hope he doesn't think it's amusing that he doesn't wake...

I could go to my mums, leaving him here, but I don't feel comfortable going there. I'd probably have to go to the premier inn down the road if I did...

His mum has offered to have the baby overnight, but I couldn't put on her given how much he wakes, and how hard he can be to settle (at the minute anyway).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDetective · 17/05/2013 19:05

I'm not sleep deprived as much as some. Just annoyed because I shouldn't need to be deprived at all really, if we did alternate nights. Or even alternated the night in to two, which we tried in the past. So we both got 5 hrs sleep blocks. It worked for him, he got lovely sleep. I did not. Hmm

OP posts:
frissonpink · 17/05/2013 19:06

You'd only be 'putting on her' for one night. Could do wonders for you however. So long as she knew what she was getting herself into!

I would happily do it for you in that situation. :) Tiredness is awful.

honeytea · 17/05/2013 19:09

If your dp went mental at least he would be awake ;)

I have a deaf friend and she has a vibrating pad under her whilst she sleeps that works as an alarm clock, I wonder if there is an option for something like that attached to a baby monitor...

cinnamonsugar · 17/05/2013 19:10

Has the baby ever slept in a cot in your room?

honeytea · 17/05/2013 19:11

Here

www.harriscomm.com/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=1215_1086&products_id=20453&hcCsid=40a302119bb97d43f97c1d2527523a36

The vibrating bit even has a belt clip do you can attatch it somewhere sensertive, he is bound to wake up to that :)

Fairylea · 17/05/2013 19:18

My dh is the same. I have given up bothering to wake him now. He really just doesn't hear ds. A jumbo jet could be going off next to his ear and he'd sleep through it.
At first I kept waking him up as I was determined he was going to do his share. But like you it took me longer to wake him than it did for me to just get up and see to ds.

I have no answers I'm afraid especially as you have the issue of work etc (I'm a sahm) but I do feel for you.

wickedwithofthenorth · 17/05/2013 19:22

Our monitor is one of the bt ones, we got the one with the light show as dd falls asleep to her mobile which has cost twice it's value in batters! But the other bt ones vibrate too.
It's used buy new iyswim catalog return so was less than half price.
Forget about dp laughing, buy one, use it and see if it wakes him up!

Original poster
TheDetective · 17/05/2013 19:23

Not in a cot, as there is no room for one. But he's slept in the moses basket in our room.

Currently, thanks to the sleep regression, he is in the moses basket, inside his cot. Hmm

He wants to sleep in the pram. But he can't! He wants the feeling of being cocooned. Proper newborn behaviour, with failed transfers galore!

OP posts:
VerySmallSqueak · 17/05/2013 19:24

I think it's to do with what you need to wake up to.
I think he doesn't because you do.
I don't wake up to DHs' alarm as I don't need to get up as early as him.
I don't wake up to the cockerel as I don't need to get up as early as him.

Yet,before children I always woke DH when his early morning alarm went off because he relied on me doing that.

So,at some point we re-learned that he would wake up to his alarm and I wouldn't.

I think if it was me I would consider feigning illness and make out to my DH that I actually couldn't get out of bed to the baby in the night,or something like that which will make him think in his sub concious that the responsibility to wake has passed on to him.If his brain thinks you are not there as a back up,I think he will probably not sleep so heavily because he will be on his watch.

I don't think it's his fault. I think you will need to be able to leave the baby crying a little bit longer than you normally might to give him the opportunity to respond (you never know,the baby may even learn to self settle through this process as a bonus!)

Cloverer · 17/05/2013 19:27

I think you should accept that he isn't going to wake for the baby, and you will wake anyway - but definitely work on training him to get up quickly to deal with him. Water spray every time he doesn't get up sounds like a good idea.

Whenever DP has looked after DS if I've been away, DS has "slept through" Hmm

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/05/2013 19:36

I think there's 2 issues

  1. DP; and
  1. The baby waking up to 20 times a night.

I actually think the two are interlinked and, given the current horrific sleep patterns, your DP can't face getting up

This is not acceptable so you need to make it very clear that this issue needs resolved by the end of your sick leave or DP will need to go back to work. There's no point being off if he's not looking after the baby.

In turn though, can you get some advice re the baby? My DS is nearly 6 months and wakes up once a night about 3 times a week. This is similar to most of the other babies I know. Even the "worst" one only gets up 3 times. 20 times a night sounds unbearable.

How old us your DP, btw? He seems to have a rather cavalier attitude to child safety. Has he had much experience with babies pre DS?

Catbiscuit · 17/05/2013 19:37

The fact he laughed at the vibrating monitor and would go mental if you sprayed him with water shows that he doesn't think he needs to wake up really!! He thinks its funny that he sleeps through the baby crying and has no incentive to make any effort.
Can you say to him that you are feeling pretty run down and stressed with never getting enough sleep, so much so that its actually upset you to see him laughing at the monitor you showed him as it its all a joke.
Tell him that you can't go on being the only one to wake to the baby every night and that you are trying to think of solutions to the problem here. If he thinks your solutions are so off the mark (suggest the water spray one too! ;-) then he needs to suggest solutions of his own that may actually work and implement them. If he fails to suggest anything or his ideas don't work, then you have free reign to try yours!!

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2013 19:58

Another set of biological anomalies here; DH wakes as often if not more than I do.

OP, what about baby monitor turned up as high as it will go put right beside his ear? I'm only half joking.

Original poster
TheDetective · 17/05/2013 20:10

Done that already Jassy!

I'm tired. Baby in cot. Let's see how long this first sleep lasts for Hmm.

OP posts:
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