AIBU to think he should be able to hear the baby cry at night?

[TheDetective]

I suspect a lot of people have this 'problem'. A DP/DH who 'doesn't hear' the baby cry at night....

DP is currently on additional paternity leave. I should be back in work, but am currently off sick. Baby is 5 months old. DP has never woke at night to his cries.

I am thoroughly pissed off now, and the fact he is on paternity leave makes it worse IMO, as this time off is to care for the baby! Had I been back in work, this week I'd have been doing nights. And he doesn't wake?!

Our baby wakes anything from 3-20 times a night don't ask. DP does get up for him - but I have to kick/push him til he is awake. So I'm well and truly awake by the end of this. It can take 10 minutes to get him out of bed. I can feel myself getting more angry when I think of it!

He said he is a heavy sleeper - just doesn't hear him. Are you fucking kidding? I'm a heavy sleeper, but I still hear my baby cry!!

A couple of nights ago, the baby was on his chest screaming, while he was asleep. WTAF?? I had to wake him even though there was a screaming writhing 5 month old on top of him.

So I've not slept properly in over 7 months now thanks pregnancy insomnia! and I'm at the end of my tether. We've had rows over this. He said he doesn't know what he can do. Neither do I. But it has to stop! When I am back in work I will be on 2 weeks of night shifts a month, and I am petrified that my poor baby will be screaming all night. I want to walk away and book in to a hotel for a night and leave him to it. But how can I leave a baby with a man that does not wake up?!

AIBU to think that being a 'heavy sleeper' is not an excuse to not wake up when your baby cries?

DP reads MN, so I hope he finds this...

It's a good fucking job he has good points I swear.

[LubyLu2000]

Sitting here reading this thread and DP heard our 3month old DS crying not me

I get up all the time to our DS cos I'm on ML and he has a physical, potentially dangerous job so I wouldn't want him exhausted doing that. But a few times I've got up in the morning to find out that our other DS has been up during the night and I didn't hear a thing. DP's older son is unbelievable when asleep - absolutely nothing wakes him so there really are some people and some times that people just don't wake up and it's not their fault.

Could it be that your DS wakes with you cos he senses you're there and you're the one that gives him food etc? My DS cries with me a lot more than he does with DP I think cos he knows that I'm the one that mostly feeds him.

Hope you got it sorted soon cos no sleep is really miserable so I totally sympathize.

However I totally sympathize

[LubyLu2000]

Oops ipad fail - random sentences

[peteypiranha]

Some people are taken as complete mugs.

[musicmadness]

I think some people do just sleep much deeper than others. I have slept through a fire alarm, a barking dog next to me and 3 alarm clocks going off simultaneously. It's not all the time but quite often I just don't hear the noise. There is nothing wrong with my hearing (has been checked), I just seem to sleep really deeply sometimes. Maybe your DH is the same?

Having said that I have massive sympathies, I'm just not sure how to sort it if he genuinely doesn't hear the noise, unless you keep on waking him up and maybe his body will adjust eventually?

[peteypiranha]

If you believe it takes ten minutes of kicking and pushing to get him out of a deep sleep then you literally must be bonkers. No wonder hes laughing at you he has you very well trained.

[SybilRamkin]

Definitely go for the vibrating alarm, followed swiftly by the water spray if he doesn't wake up! I'd be if my DH wouldn't wake up!

[TheDetective]

He's read the thread. And sulked.

Now he said he will get a baby monitor that vibrates. We shall see...

[MaterFacit]

DS had CMPI and reflux. He had the same sleeping patterns as your DS, they improved with weaning and he slept through more reliably (2-3 wakeups rather than 7-8) from 13 months.

DH slept downstairs on the sofa sunday night to thursday night whilst I slept (ha!) upstairs with the baby. Friday night and Saturday night I slept downstairs and he took care of DS all night. It worked well for us for almost a year and he never had a problem waking up and dealing with DS.

Now DS is older ( and wakes less often) and DH is away more often he is less attuned to the DCs and is less likely to wake for them. He tells me to kick him awake but its easier if he just gives me a lie in and he has the undisturbed night as I am not working.

[SolidGoldBrass]

What else does your DP do in terms of domestic work and childcare, OP? What solution is he offering at the moment? Because there are two possibilities here.
a) He is a very, very heavy sleeper, and it's always going to be a big problem to get him to wake up at night. In which case, he should be doing other domestic duties at times when he is awake, while you catch up on your sleep. Because if there is just one task or responsibility a person is repeatedly failing to do, it's better to think of something they can do instead rather than making a single task a battleground.

b) He is a selfish prick who thinks that childcare and housework are your job, not his.

[emstats]

You are def more aware of it as the mum (the pregnancy insomnia is meant to help prepare you!) However, I do think the the knowledge that your there and will deal probably helps in a subconscious way for him to sleep through it, but still you don't want to risk it! Can you set up some sort of trial run? You sleep in another room and he know its totally up to him? Get him into the rhythm of it before the pair of them are left 'jumping in at the deep end'?

[worried90]

I think it depends if he wakes up to other noises. In one house we had an alarm (burglary) that was a big red bell above the bed. My dad slept through that going off, the burglars smashing a window, the police climbing through the window (mum couldn't find keys) and mum and police stood at end of bed. Police asked if he was drunk because he was still asleep
However if mum prodded him in the ribs and forced him awake he would get up to deal with me as a baby
So that wasn't selective hearing, mainly he sleeps like nobody I've ever seen

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Mothers are programmed to the sound of their baby crying. Men are not. Simple as that.

What a pile of old tut.

I've read some daft shit on here, but that takes the actual

Some people will believe anything.

OP - I hope you find a solution soon.

[Mixxy]

I'm with SGB here. He'd better be doing the laundry and cooking if he seriously cannot wake up for the baby. If he likes to burn the candle at both ends, maybe he could tackle the ironing while watching late night TV.

If he can't bring himself to say that he thinks that childcare and houseworks are your responsibility, he might really need to wake up: It 2013.

[LuisGarcia]

I'm so glad as a man I'm not programmed to the sound of my baby crying. It means I'm still asleep right now.

[StuntGirl]

luis

[amazingmumof6]

I once slept through the fire alarm going off twice in one night. DH sorted frightened crying kids both times.

[Alanna1]

I've not read all of the posts, but can you find some other way to split the labour? Eg my husband looks after our baby till about midnight, then brings her to me. I go to bed as soon as I want once our toddler is asleep, depending how tired I am. And if I have a major crisis during the night I wake him. He will get up if the toddler wakes (those cries wake anyone) but I look after our little baby.(we're currently in separate rooms to maximise our sleep, new DD isn't yet 8 weeks old & mainly just wants to sleep with me).

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I am a super heavy sleeper when tired.

Am certainly not 'laughing at' DH if he wakes with DD.

I don't think OP's DP is just because he's male.

[caeleth]

DH is also a really deep sleeper and wil sleep through most of nightwakings. Except when he's alone with DS. Then he knows he's responsible and wakes to his every movement. So I second the "he knows he doesnt have to get it so his brain ignores the crying"movement.

[CSIJanner]

If your baby wants to be cocooned in the pram, have you looked at swaddle blankets? Or use a muslin to swaddle him up given the warmer nights? Ergo do a lovely swaddle cocoon which the turns into a sleeping bag.

Alternatively, get one of those vibrating B&B alarms that also sends ut a low level fog horrid the baby moves off the plate under the mattess. My DH sleeps through but that got him up!

[Dilidali]

Look, it's a long time since mine was a baby, but I remember waking up if her breathing changed. I remember waking up a few seconds before she did wake up for a feed, I remember my DH being shocked I sense her so well. At about 1 and a half she moved to a big bed and a few months afterwards she mastered getting out of bed and coming to our room. At about 2 I think she mastered the stairs and turning on the light and I wasn't able to hear her since. Once I realised she is self sufficient I just became this absolute log, she knew to come and get us if she needed us and I really can't hear her. She has full blown shouting matches with her dad in the night because she is reading or sneaking into our bed but I really don't wake up, I honestly can't hear her.
If she is sick she sleeps in between us and I wake up really easy, check on her, I am in a semi sleep mode, but if she's fine she could probably throw a rave in the living room and I would be none the wiser.
For some really strange reason is her dad that hears her in the night now, previously he was like me, couldn't hear a thing even if she was wailing in his ear.
So I would believe your DH when he says he can't hear.

[Jengnr]

I think it's a biological issue but not a gender one. Some people are just heavier sleepers. I used to be able to sleep through anything before insomnia got its grip on me.

You do need a workaround as you sound right at the end of your tether. What about splitting the nights? One of you having an early night and the other staying up until very late and swapping over half way through so you both get a period of unbroken sleep?

[AThingInYourLife]

I used to be a heavy sleeper before I had children.

That changed instantly when they were born.

It certainly feels like a physical change that my sleep patterns were affected so much.

DH is still a pretty heavy sleeper. He was always a heavier sleeper than I, but his sleep hasn't changed at all.

I don't think that's because he can't be arsed. He's always been brilliant at nighttime, once I wake him.

But I am always awake first.

My ability to wake up at the first sign of noise from my children certainly feels like something my body has been programmed to do.

I don't really enjoy being awake for hours because my baby keeps mooching (but not waking). But if she's making noise (even in her sleep) I get very alert.

DH can snooze blissfully right through it.

[littlewhitebag]

When mine were babies my DH was the one who responded most quickly to crying in the night. We both heard the crying but he came to faster and he would change the nappy and bring her to me to feed.

I would say though that neither of us were very motivated to jump out of bed at the first whimper and only got up when they were actually crying (except in the very early days obviously when they needed fed very often).

About 9 times out of 10 they would re-settle and fall asleep again. All 3 of mine slept through pretty quickly. If you are getting up 20 times each night you need to start planning a strategy to reduce this so you get more sleep.

[littlewhitebag]

We also had our babies in another room and no baby monitor as i was not keen on hearing all the little snuffles and snorts all night. It might sounds brutal to some but i really think you sleep better without hearing every tiny noise. If they cry loud enough you hear it.