AIBU to think he should be able to hear the baby cry at night?

[TheDetective]

I suspect a lot of people have this 'problem'. A DP/DH who 'doesn't hear' the baby cry at night....

DP is currently on additional paternity leave. I should be back in work, but am currently off sick. Baby is 5 months old. DP has never woke at night to his cries.

I am thoroughly pissed off now, and the fact he is on paternity leave makes it worse IMO, as this time off is to care for the baby! Had I been back in work, this week I'd have been doing nights. And he doesn't wake?!

Our baby wakes anything from 3-20 times a night don't ask. DP does get up for him - but I have to kick/push him til he is awake. So I'm well and truly awake by the end of this. It can take 10 minutes to get him out of bed. I can feel myself getting more angry when I think of it!

He said he is a heavy sleeper - just doesn't hear him. Are you fucking kidding? I'm a heavy sleeper, but I still hear my baby cry!!

A couple of nights ago, the baby was on his chest screaming, while he was asleep. WTAF?? I had to wake him even though there was a screaming writhing 5 month old on top of him.

So I've not slept properly in over 7 months now thanks pregnancy insomnia! and I'm at the end of my tether. We've had rows over this. He said he doesn't know what he can do. Neither do I. But it has to stop! When I am back in work I will be on 2 weeks of night shifts a month, and I am petrified that my poor baby will be screaming all night. I want to walk away and book in to a hotel for a night and leave him to it. But how can I leave a baby with a man that does not wake up?!

AIBU to think that being a 'heavy sleeper' is not an excuse to not wake up when your baby cries?

DP reads MN, so I hope he finds this...

It's a good fucking job he has good points I swear.

[SimplyRedHead]

Have a look at the Action on Hearing Loss website. They sell vibrating baby alarms which go under your pillow and vibrates when the baby cries.

It's designed for deaf people but might help your partner.

There are lots of other options online too.

(haven't read the whole thread so sorry if someone's already suggested this)

[peteypiranha]

Fanjo - If this was you though would you laugh af the suggestion of a vibrating monitor. I certainly wouldnt

[TheDetective]

Right, we had 11 wake ups last night. 5 before bed. DP managed to wake up to the first 2 with the baby monitor as loud as we could manage (don't usually have it on, as I will struggle to sleep with it crackling away - but we've tried it a few times for DP before).

I had to wake him for the others. Baby had 2 night feeds, and multiple failed cot transfers. :(

He's swaddled for all sleeps - currently using ergococoon. Have used a summer swaddle wrap. Love to swaddle wraps were crap, he could move his arms FFS!

DP does generally pull his weight with other stuff, eg. He's got up with the baby even though he did the night last night, and let me sleep til 11. And just made me lunch. And I know he will do tea tonight, and wash the dishes and make the bottles. He will do those without nagging (years of nagging before this though!) I generally have to nag and moan for him to do other stuff though.

I just wish there was a way of him waking so we could split the night. I'd happily cope with 5 hours completely unbroken sleep. But there is no point splitting the night when I'm going to have to wake up to wake him anyway.

Going to stop solids today to see if that helps with the sleep. We weaned 3 weeks ago at 5 months to see if it helped the reflux/sleep. It did at first, but quickly went the other way. Like everything else we try. Always seems to help at first, then he just goes back to how he was, but WORSE!!

One day, I will sleep. Right?!

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Yes. You will sleep again. But this sounds horrendous. I'm sure this has all been coveted but are HCPs giving as much help as they can? Has DS been seen by a paediatrician?

It seems ( understandably) that you're having to go blind here re treating the reflux etc and that's not very fair.

[TheDetective]

It's a long story with the reflux and CMPI. He's never been diagnosed officially. He's had one paed appt, where I was told I'd done everything right, and to just keep doing what I'm doing.

To get to that point I'd taken him to A&E and demanded meds, as GP refused to do anything, and he was refusing to feed (at time of seeing GP at 4pm, he hadn't fed since 4am and was only taking 3 oz 4 times a day).

It's a long long story really. But we have another paed appt and finally a dietician appt for the end of the month.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

for you. But glad you have the appointments lined up

Sure you e tried this but long walks in the fresh air help my DS sleep. Also, if we take him out in the baby Bjorne and have him facing outwards so he can see alot he becomes really exhausted. He always sleeps through on a Saturday if we've taken him out that day in it

[TheDetective]

Done that, and no difference! It makes no difference how much sleep he has had in the day either. It just seems totally random.

Gaaaah!

[TheDetective]

Well, in the pushchair - facing outwards. Which he must be. Because he hates facing me. He can't see EVERYTHING!!

[Mutley77]

I feel absolutely awful admitting this as a mum but my DH pretty much always wakes first. I actually had a discussion with the mw about bf/co-sleeping with DC1 was a newborn and based on our conversation about my deep sleeping she said she could not recommend that I co-sleep as there was a risk to my baby of me not waking :(

I hate it and feel like there is something wrong with me biologically not to hear my children straight away.

When DH is away for work I wake to anything (well I guess I wouldn't know but I am pretty sure as I don't wake to absolutely distraught children who have obviously been crying for hours unheard) - and I think there is an inbuilt instinct that then reacts as I know that there is no-one else to hear them.

DH has regularly woken me to feed the babies when they were little and I genuinely haven't heard them.

Sorry you are having such a hard time OP but your DH genuinely may not hear the baby.

[VisualiseAHorse]

I think you are going to have to go to bed earlier.

You go to bed when baby does. OH does the bedtime - 2am shift, then he goes to bed, and you're on from 2am (or whatever time) till morning.

That's what we used to do. Really helped when baby was younger than 4 months, as we could both get at least 5 hours sleep uninterrupted in a 24 hr period.

My OH doesn't hear the baby either.

[Gemd81]

My dd1 is 22 months and I'm not BFing any more she is in the room next door funnily he wakes (sometimes before me) to her in the middle of the night he never heard her for the whole 7 months i bf with her inbetween us co-sleeping now we have dd2 and shes 10 wks old in the cot on my side by the bed and he doesn't hear her cry?!?! It therefore must be mothers wiring we are more tuned into newborns especially if BFing! Mother Nature has been a bit cruel in this instance I believe!

[foreverondiet]

Yabu - it's not his fault. Get some earplugs and try to sleep - i suspect that once it triggers that he is ultimately responsible he will wake up eventually - give the baby a feed at 10pm - at 5 months a formula fed baby who is having solids doesn't need to be fed in the night - certainly not 20 times...

[Cloverer]

Waking 20 times doesn't mean feeding 20 times forever, and an allergic, refluxy baby might not be eating enough at 5 months to get through the night anyway.