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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i shouldn't have to pay for childcare incase ex is late?

48 replies

LittleLisa78 · 16/05/2013 22:43

Ex has fortnightly contact. Friday had always been my day off so I was always around to collect kids from school and he'd collect them from me any time from 3.15-6 depending on where he was working. He has the option of working from home on Friday so could collect them from school but never has, often working from home a different day instead to fit in with his social life. From next month I have Wednesday off instead of Friday and I finish at 5.30 on Fridays. I told him this and he expects that I'll pay for after school club til 6, though he admits sometimes he'll collect them at 3.15 therefore wasting my money. AIBU to think he should pay for after school care on his contact day? We don't have a contact order.

OP posts:
Tommy · 16/05/2013 22:47

I don't think YABU
You don't finish til 5.30. He can pick them up at 3.15 - his responsibility.

This is currently happening with a friend of mine - exH is being a complete arse and expecting her to pick up childcare when he is working even though she works pretty much full time and sorts out her own childcare

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/05/2013 22:49

Yanbu.

He needs to be responsible for the dc during his contact it is not unreasonable to have a time when that contact is due to start and end. Its his responsibility to manage his time and cater to his child.

That means he either funds the after school club on the days he is due to collect her from school or he gets there on time, just like you have to on the days she is your responsibility.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 16/05/2013 22:52

I just think he should appreciate it that he had it good for years with being able to rely on me to look after them til whenever but now he either needs to take responsibility by being on time to collect from school or pay for childcare. He says that's what his maintenance can go towards - the same maintenance that doesn't come close to paying for food, clothes, uniform, activities etc

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 16/05/2013 22:53

Does he pay maint?

TheDetective · 16/05/2013 22:54

YANBU.

My ex has pulled similar on me. Only I get billed, and I don't know he's done it - until DS told me one day Hmm. He did the same with school dinners - I send packed lunch. If he can't be arsed to make one, then he can pay for the school dinner. Instead DS gets sent home with a bill to give to me!! Makes my blood boil!

His time with children = his responsibility for childcare IMO.

Mine has even had the audacity to ring my mum and ask can he drop DS off at hers at 7am in the morning (she lives by the school). Cheeky fecker!

TheDetective · 16/05/2013 22:54

I don't think it matters if he does holly. If he needs childcare, on his day, he should pay.

HollyBerryBush · 16/05/2013 22:56

Sorry x-post.

I never quite get the idea maint is supposed to pay for everything - a child has two parents, equally responsible, plus CB and in many cases a large dollop of CTC also. So to assume the absent parent should pay for everything is totally unreasonable.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 16/05/2013 22:56

Pixie I've said that to him really: a set beginning time and he said we'll make that time 6 when most NRPs finish work but still expects me to pay for childcare

OP posts:
TheDetective · 16/05/2013 22:59

No, the absent parent should pay half.

Never quite bloody works out that way does it. Hmm

My ex pays me £120. This was 15% of the NMW in 2009!! He's a store manager now. And yet if I go to the CSA, he will not pay me anything for months til it is sorted. And I need that £120 regularly. I can't be waiting months for it to be sorted. And not to mention the fall out from it and his childish behaviour that it would bring.

He has me over a fucking barrel. Ooops. Sorry, didn't mean to rant.

My DS definitely costs me more than £240 plus CB per month. And no, no TC here.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 16/05/2013 22:59

I didn't say he should pay for everything, what I was saying is that he expects that the maintenance he pays does cover everything for the kids and can also stretch to cover this which is farcical.

OP posts:
Concreteblonde · 16/05/2013 23:07

YANBU. Ex thinks that he is perfectly reasonable to propose picking the children up anytime for 3-6pm on a Friday depending on what other priorities he has. I am expected to pay for childcare and as after schools is only open until 5, I am then required to not be able to work evening shifts so that I can look after the children until whatever time he decides to roll up.

(I look forward to him making this proposal at the next contact hearing Hmm )

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/05/2013 23:36

I've noticed a trend on here recently with some posters thinking that if a nrp pays maintenance then that means s/he pays for 100% of the child's needs and if the pwc gets any gov assistance that means they don't fund anything.

Its a load of old bollocks. most parents tend to fund there children's lifestyle in a way that ties in with money coming in the more you have the better your children's lifestyle is ( from a purely financial perspective) I don't know any none abusive parents that don't operate like that.

Op so change it to 6 or a time that suits you but make sure the drop off is also at a time that suits you make it clear that as he is expecting you to fund childcare on that day there are no circumstances you will rearrange these times and she will not be available whilst she is in paid childcare only after the session has ended don't drop her off to him make it his responsibility to collect and return her, stop doing him favours. If he wants to be as unhelpful as possible then let him just don't make it easy for him to abdicate responsibility.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/05/2013 23:39

And it is generally expected by decent people and the csa that a nrp is responsible for 100% of the costs during agreed contact times that's why they get reductions on maintenance for each over night they have the child.

LordSugar · 16/05/2013 23:53

YANBU

Your ex is being unreasonable by expecting that the pick up time can be tailored to suit him each week, and by saying that 'his maintenance' should cover the cost of the extra childcare.

I would do as Sockreturningpixie suggests, and say that if the children are in childcare, then they are in childcare, and he will have to pick them up at the end of the childcare session, not at a time to suit him.

He sounds like an arse; I bet you are glad he is now your ex!

Fefifo · 17/05/2013 00:11

YANBU

I think some (unreasonable) men like your exh are just of the opinion that anything to do with their child must ultimately come down to being the responsibility of the mother, which I think would be his issue regardless of how much maintenance he pays or even the fact that you've split. I imagine that were you still together, where the actually money involved in itself would be less relevant, it would still be you that would be expected to manage childcare around your commitments rather than him having to consider this.

His contact time, his responsibility and given that you've said he actually could manage to collect them every Friday by working from home, I can't see what how much maintainece he pays you has anything to do with it.

StuntGirl · 17/05/2013 00:36

YANBU, so far all I see is you having to accommodate his needs. Really he needs to arrange his time and work so that he can adequately take care of his children when they are in his care.

I think a specified time would help with the routine of it, and if he is unable or unwilling to organise his time to ensure he can be there for his children then he'll have to pay for outside care until he can.

AudrinaAdare · 17/05/2013 00:44

sock I had to laugh at something being generally assumed by decent people AND the csa Grin

CloudsAndTrees · 17/05/2013 07:55

YANBU, but I think all childcare costs should be split equally on top of maintenance if it is enabling both parents to work anyway.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/05/2013 08:49

I know audrina but legend has it there was once one of them in the csa once apon a time.

Op I'm not suggesting you get into rows with him or anything like that more like a work to rule thing. He's decided the rules now you will work to them.

No collecting child before childcare has ended
No doing him favours like passing school info on ect

You stick to being responsible for her whilst she's in your care and expect him to whilst she's with him but of he's unable to accommodate her due to his work or plans ect then no swopping if he asks to swop so he can go out with mates the answer is no you don't collect her then you miss out,no sending clothing to his he should be providing her with those things whilst she is with him.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 17/05/2013 11:34

Even if he doesn't collect her until child care ended though, it'd still be me footing the bill - while he probably goes shopping/has an extra few hours in the gym

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 17/05/2013 11:45

No, it's not unreasonable but what are your options? what sort of a mess does it leave you in if the messes about, turns up late, etc. etc?

I have the same issue - my ex pays no maintenance as he's self employed. I work full-time in a professional job on an average wage. I pay a little over £200 a week for childcare and I get less than £50 a week in tax credits towards that. I have no choice but to pay for childcare full time because my ex messes about and I cannot afford to not have childcare in place when he does. As I teach for a living, you can appreciate that I simply can't be late or not turn up for a few days whilst I get childcare re-arranged. He sees the children during the week most weeks so that's one afterschool club and one breakfast club that I pay for that I shouldn't have to.

I live in hope that one day the children will understand what my life was like trying to work around them and what sacrifices I made to do that. They will, by contrast, see a rolling in money ex who never does anything for them. Too young to realise what that means today, they won't always be quite so innocent of his ways. I hope so, anyway.

DontmindifIdo · 17/05/2013 12:05

If he needs childcare on his day, he pays for it. Or he arranges family to pick up for him - in the same way on your days you pick up or make other arrangements.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/05/2013 14:08

I know that op but unless he's all of a sudden going to morph into a reasonable person ( in that case he would foot the bill for that session) there is nothing you can do about it,you cannot force him to show up on time.

If it was me I would say "ok but pick up time is 3:15 from school" but I would make sure I was there as I could be sure he wouldn't be,I would then make the child unavailable by taking them out and not answer the phone or door to him untill the next time he was due to collect her. And I would do that every time he did not show up to collect her. Or untill he arranged and paid for childcare during the time he was surposed to be in charge of her.

But then again it wouldn't bother me if he attempted to take me to court nor would it bother me if he got stroppy and I can be a bit harsh like that,most people do get bothered by these things.

PearlyWhites · 17/05/2013 17:02

OP so you spend over £320 a month on one primary school child, really on what exactly?

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 17/05/2013 17:16

Pearly - two primary children, which means I need a 3 bed roomed house - the rent for which is £200 more than a 2 bed roomed house alone. Not to mention food, clothes, uniform, school trips, dance lessons, gymnastics classes, football classes, beavers, petrol to all of above and school, extra utility bills, days out, friends birthday presents...I could go on

OP posts: