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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Best Man to wear suit, shirt with collar and tie??!!

92 replies

frissonpink · 16/05/2013 11:23

I'm blaming MIL Wink

Basically, DH to be and I are 25. DH has an older brother and a younger one, but would like younger one (18yrs)to be 'Best Man.'

To all intents and purposes, he really won't be, as he doesn't want to do a speech, wants to hang out with his GF and 'not sit with the adults' etc. (don't ask) BUT he will be the ring bearer.

So basically, as far as we're concerned, he's the ring bearer. DH has got his best mate (in his 30's) to do 'Best Man' duties - speech etc, and we're all happy with that (including younger brother who heaved a sigh of relief when offered that) and DH to be who admits that younger brother really not up to job!

Anyway, MIL keeps referring to her youngest as the "Best Man' Fine, call him what you want I thought...

However, it now transpires that she didn't buy him a navy suit (to tie in with groom and wedding party) because 'he didn't want one and you know what teenagers are like' and now she's gone and bought him a collarless shirt to wear for the wedding because 'that's what he wanted'

Erm. He's supposed to be in navy with a purple coloured tie.

WTAF?!

Grin

Seriously though! What do you suggest?! He will look ridiculous next to groom, actual best man, my brother, my dad etc etc.

I'm really annoyed with MIL too (who I don't particularly get on with, so I'm thinking she's encouraging this on purpose)

A wedding is not the time to be trendy etc.imo. I might add, we offered to pay for suit, tie etc so it's not that I'm expecting them to put hands in pockets.

We would just like him to look smart on the day and not like a knob.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 16/05/2013 13:03

If he's refusing to carry out the duties of a best man ( doesn't want to give a speech, etc.), then withdraw any special role from him and let him come as a guest.
I'd have done that the minute he started dictating his own terms, tbh, no matter what he was wearing.

TheSecondComing · 16/05/2013 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2013 13:07

Sounds like he's using this as an opportunity to get clothes bought for him.

Is a ring-bearer the same as a page boy? Small, cute person bearing velvet cushion? Knickerbockers it is then! Why would you want another adult shuffling about looking awkward and holding things up, while the best man's doing his thing?

I think he's in the wedding party or he isn't and you need to talk to him directly, not through MIL. You said you were willing to buy him a suit, you could still do that. Or he could return the other one. Otherwise, he's a guest in his own, suitable, clothes.

Maybe one day you'll be able to relate all this sympathetically to his fiancee, while they're dealing with whatever unreasonable demands are being made upon their wedding plans Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2013 13:12

How are photos just for one day? Surely a contradiction of the very nature and purpose of photos.

I would never seen myself as a virtual bridezilla maybe I'm just more conventional than I like to imagine but, the wedding party wears what the bride and groom ask. Certainly, if the bride and groom want to look unconventional, great but, they don't.

ceebie · 16/05/2013 13:14

2 choices.

  1. Who cares. It's only clothes. And not totally ridiculous clothes at that. Tell everyone else (DH to be, DM) not to get so bothered.

  2. Get him a navy suit and purple tie, tell him that's for the ceremony and formal photos, after that he can wear what he likes. End of discussion. Unless he wants to be demoted to status of guest without duties.

LaQueen · 16/05/2013 13:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 16/05/2013 13:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bue · 16/05/2013 13:20

I know it's cool on MN to think all brides ABU about everything and everyone should just go with the floooooooow when it comes to weddings, but really, this kid (actually adult!) is being an arse.

He won't perform most of the duties (fine) but he can't even wear the outfit? Maybe he should just be a guest? Maybe this is his way of saying he really just wants to be a guest?

KurriKurri · 16/05/2013 13:20

It's not really about what we would have at our weddings (I am uninterested in clothes and it made no odds to me what anyone wore to my wedding) but it does matter to the OP, and it is her wedding - and it's not an outlandish or unreasonable request, if she was asking him to dress up like a Hobbit, I can see he might kick off, but it's a suit - a normal item of clothing.

If he was a female relative asked to be a bridesmaid and wanted to wear something totally different from all the other bridesmaids ( a red dress instead of a blue one e.g.) people would probably think that was obviously unreasonable, but he's getting away with it because 'he's a boy, boy's don't like getting dressed up, he's only 18 blah blah blah'.

In fact it's just good manners, - I don't like getting dressed up, but if someone asks me on an invitation to wear 'evening wear' I don't turn up in jeans because it's rude. I either wear evening gear, or I don't go, - those are the available options. Going and being an attention seeking twerp by deliberately flouting a dress request isn't an option unless you are 5.

I think weddings are about the bride and groom and them having a nice day, not about people trying to make some sort of point by not wearing the very reasonable dress code. If you want to wear a collarless shirt and jeans - fine, no problem, but do it at your own wedding - that's when you get to make the rules.

TheSecondComing · 16/05/2013 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 · 16/05/2013 13:26

Well IME ring-bearers are small, cute kids who wear what they are told.
At 18 this is just silly.

Maybe you should go back to the family and say that on reflection you don't think "ring bearer" is suitable for someone of his age and would he like to be an usher instead. After all this is a proper grown up role but not as responsible as best man. However, if he agrees then obviously youinsist that he wears the right clothes.

If he refuses then he gets dropped. Proper clothes = usher, other clothes = ordinary guest.

Oh and I think this should come from your DH-to-be not you.

Songbird · 16/05/2013 13:29

I was just about to launch in when I read KurriKurri's post. Agree with every single word!! Everyone saying "it's just a day" etc, it's not to the bride, and wouldn't be to many many brides, rightly or wrongly, regardless of what you think. The boy isn't (really) the problem, the MIL is. What teenage boy wouldn't say "ugh purple tie, do I have to?", but his mother should be saying "yes, you have to, it's what your DB and SIL want". Simple as.

Songbird · 16/05/2013 13:30

Oh yes, I meant to add that. You need to distance yourself form this discussion, and let DH-to-be sort it out.

Good luck!

starfishmummy · 16/05/2013 13:33

Ds was recently best man. He wore an off the peg suit and a polo shirt. To be fair the groom wore a suit and t shirt too, and ds is just 14

MerylStrop · 16/05/2013 13:33

Is it not more important that he is comfortable, and has a role in his brother's wedding, than he co-ordinates perfectly with the colour scheme? Sweet of your DH to want him to do something.

He's only a kid, still, really.

This will not ruin your wedding day.

A big fight about it might.

FWIW DH didn't wear a tie on his own wedding day.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2013 13:34

Personally, I'm so very unbothered about weddings that I haven't bothered to get married. I find it easy though to recognise that this wedding is about what the OP wants and, though that sentiment can sometimes spiral into madness, in this case what she wants fits with normal convention and conforming with that requires only the slightest bit of attention to and respect for her.

MerylStrop · 16/05/2013 13:35

Bue has hit nail on head

"Maybe this is his way of saying he really just wants to be a guest?"

Original poster
frissonpink · 16/05/2013 13:38

DH to be has now been informed - and told it's up to him to sort out either way. Grin

I'm literally past caring. I do think though that MIL is out of order, and should have just said what songbird said above, but ...

I've read all the points of view and agree, yes, in principle, it's just clothes. It's not really that important.

I shall just not display any of the photos with him on them Grin

Usher is a good idea - but then we'd have 3 which is somewhat overkill. But as you say, the conversation could then be, well as an usher you need to wear blah blah blah..

I'm honestly not a bridezilla. It's not a hugely expensive wedding. I'm more of a believer in the marriage than the wedding day.

But I was looking forward to seeing everyone looking smart.

OP posts:
PicaK · 16/05/2013 13:47

Do you know, he's 18, he's an adult. So talk to him like one.

Say that you understand he doesn't like the suit or feel comfortable in it but to you this is incredibly important and you would appreciate it so much. Tell him it's a part of getting married and you don't expect him to understand but that it would be upsetting if he doesn't do this.
It's worth a shot - and if he's a snotty git back you know where you stand.

I feel your pain - my dad wanted a different waistcoat and sulked, my brother didn't want to wear hired shoes, my SIL didn't want to wear heels, my BM dyed sections of her hair pink and purple the week before....

That said i had a look at those photos. I really like the effect as a piece of art but tbh, after a few years you'll only be looking at the faces, esp if they are no longer alive (rip fil).

DontmindifIdo · 16/05/2013 13:48

actually it's not 'just clothes' if he's part of the wedding party, then he dresses like it. However, it's normal that i fyou want someone to wear something particular, you pay for it. So if you can afford it, it my be worth your DHtobe bypassing his mother, calling his DB and saying "do you want to be one of the groomsmen still? If so, we need to get you a navy suit, white shirt and purple tie like the other groomsmen, are you free on Saturday and we'll go get it?" Get your DH2B to point out that groomsmen all wear the same outfit in the way all the bridesmaids do.

No negotation, if he doesnt want to be one of the groomsmen, no bother, he can wear what he wants and sit with his mum, not stand at the front. But I do believe if you want to dictate what people wear, you pay for it. If he/his mum has to pay, then it should be something he wants to have and will wear again.

PicaK · 16/05/2013 13:49

I just seethed and went through intermediaries but with hindsight the direct but not aggressive or reproachful approach would have been better

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 16/05/2013 13:52

I tend to agree that in a few years time no one will remember that one person wore different clothes but they will remember a big family bust up. Most people I would guess don't look at wedding photos (even their own) much after the first few months, maybe have one small one on display. We have one just of us, the rest have been in the loft for over 10 years. I have no idea what anyone wore apart from me, DH and the bridesmaid.

piprabbit · 16/05/2013 14:01

He's either a grown-up, in which case he dresses like one, or he is a child in which case a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit is appropriate.

FFS my 5yo is managing to wear a suit and tie to his auntie's wedding.

LaQueen · 16/05/2013 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EldritchCleavage · 16/05/2013 14:15

The trouble with 'Oh, just go along with it' comes if you have a particular relative (e.g. the MIL-was it your thread saying she would not hand over addresses so you could send her family wedding invitations?) who will push all kinds of issues as part of a revenge trip or power struggle. Each one might not be a big thing, but the constant confrontation and the sum total of all of them can really spoil a wedding.

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