Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be hurt by being told maybe I should have had an abortion?!

78 replies

MargeSimpsonsSecretWig · 15/05/2013 21:32

Name changed in case this outs me.

Just had a conversation with a family member. I confided in them that I was struggling a bit and was considering scrimping together enough money to send dd to nursery a morning a week or considering ignoring health issues to get a job so that I could have a breather for a bit from just being "mummy". Family member said (quite snottily) that they'd never wanted to leave their children so they couldn't advise me on looking for a nursery or on making that decision as they'd chosen to run the house while their kids were young (despite the fact that they work in childcare so probably see a lot of parents like me so could easily advise me). I pointed out that I'm a single mum so its slightly different having no one to help money or just being there wise. They then said I chose to have my dd (she was a surprise baby) and maybe I should have had an abortion instead.

I'm really hurt and upset that this was her response to me confiding that I was struggling. That maybe I shouldn't have had my daughter. I feel like a crap mum too for needing a break because of the way she emphasised her words when she said that she never wanted to leave her dc's with anyone else. I feel like I can't confide in this person anymore either or ask for advice about dd anymore.

Sorry if this didnt make sense I just feel really sad. AIBU to be hurt or am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/05/2013 01:17

Your mother thinks you should have aborted her granddaughter.

Well. Goodness me.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 16/05/2013 01:32

YANBU to need a break. 14mo is a lovely age but it's also a really demanding age. Too old to stay put, too young to be left alone for even short periods of time, plus all the frustrations of not yet being able to articulate needs and wants.

Cant really comment on what your mum said. It just seems such a crazy overreaction to a minor moan by you. Was she against you keeping your DD at the time? (not that it makes a difference, just trying to fathom where it came from). It just seems really odd coming from someone who works in childcare themselves (eg her clients are people like you).

I thought I'd never want to leave my children- then I had children

Whitewineformeplease · 16/05/2013 02:09

That is awful, just terrible, how dare she say that to you!

Needing a break is perfectly normal. I have recently joined a gym, and have been going every morning, not because I want to get fit but because they have a crèche and I can leave DD in there for an hour while I fanny about trying to look like I'm working out

LeftyLucy · 16/05/2013 02:57

Someone involved in this interaction is not a wonderful mother and it certainly isn't you OP.

amazingmumof6 · 16/05/2013 07:57

how are you feeling today?

CarpeVinum · 16/05/2013 08:22

In a context like this, where the perfectly normal needing of a break via a perfectly readonable parenting choice results in somebody saying something that is blatently

a) aimed to cut deep
b) aimed at being highly offensive
c) aimed at chopping somebody off at the knees when they have just admitted struggling

It tells you something very important about them. That they are willing to kick somebody when they are down, regardless of how that will impact dependants, becuase it makes them feel better and superior about their own parenting choices.

It is unlikely that this person is able to prioratise you and their emotional bond to you over and above their need for an ego boost at any cost. They are the LAST person anybody should ask for help or advice because it is less a chance to lend a hand at a time when many of us need a leg up from time to time and more a chance to inflate their own sense of impietance.

You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do as a result of her comments.

There is a mumsnet local bit on this site. I suggest popping over and seeing if any of the "vipers" can gve some suggestions and maybe that way you can build a more supportive network around you.

It is hard being a parent let alone a single parent, wanting a break is both readonable and normal. If she refuses to acknowledge that for her own reasons that that's on her not you.

WutheringTights · 16/05/2013 08:23

What a horrible thing to say. Ds (5 months) is a much wanted and much loved baby and dh is a very supportive hands on dad yet I threaten to sell ds to pirates most days and I am definitely going back to work fulltime. Very few people won't find it hard being with a baby 24/7 with no breaks. Definitely look into a childminder for a few hours a week if you can afford it. You'll both benefit from it.

HerrenaHarridan · 16/05/2013 08:30

Wow! What a bitch.

I too am struggling and have considered putting dd in nursery one day a week both for her socially and for me.

Dd was not a surprise, what was surprising was the monster her dad turned into once I was pregnant after 6 years together.

People who have never been there can't always imagine what it is like to not have light at the end of the tunnel, even if your partner only ends up doing bed times and weekends you still know that if you were really sick you could get them to look after them.
You can still take up a hobby in the evening.

She was bang out of order!
I

mrsjay · 16/05/2013 08:48

There's nothing wrong with needing a break & some support

this and the person who said this to your is a nasty horrible person and tbh I would have told them to piss off and not speak to them for a long while you need support for you and your dd not told you are useless and should have got rid, bloody hell who says that

Mimishimi · 16/05/2013 08:49

All of it was a horrid thing to say and the abortion bit is, frankly, unforgivable. Is it possible though that she thought you were trying to hit her up for free childcare or have you left your DD with her a lot in the past? Not that it excuses one bit anything she said but maybe she felt she had to be horrible to get you to not approach her again? Stupid reasoning of course, had it been me I just would have refused bluntly ( if it wasn't the first time) without saying something so hurtful.

mrsjay · 16/05/2013 08:50

we all need a break lovey every single 1 of us need a bit of peace and quiet and support in our lives, what age is your child if she is under5 google homestart they give support to all families with under 5s, you dont need to struggle alone

burberryqueen · 16/05/2013 08:53

remove this person from your list of people that you talk to.

mrsjay · 16/05/2013 08:56

of course she is under 5 you were talking about a nursery place DUH , still look at homestart and also your health visitor sometimes you can get places in nurseries for babies and toddlers, find more positive support not some bitter and twisted relative,

LittleMissGerardButlerfan · 16/05/2013 09:11

Great minds think alike Mrs Jay I have linked the Homestart website above :o

OP you can always give Homestart a go and if its not for you, you can stop it at any time, they are there just to have a friendly ear and some support. Even if you have a coordinator out and it's not for you, you are under no obligation at all.

It sounds like you could use some non judgemental support

diddl · 16/05/2013 09:29

That is the nastiest thing I've heard!

I was a SAHM & sent my PFB to a playgroup for a couple of hrs twice a week for both our benefits.

Also had a newborn by then so wanted time alone wth them as I'd had with PFB.

Flobbadobs · 16/05/2013 10:09

Cut this person out as much as possible, they are not worthy of your time or attention.
I'm married with 3DC's and childmind. I love being surrounded by children but my God last Friday when I went for a meal with DH I damn near slammed the door shut and ran up the path! We all need time to just be. Whether it's being quiet and having a nap or going out shopping/for a meal we would go quickly up the wall if we didn't get a break!
If you need to see this person in your position I would be giving DD some rather pointed cuddles while staring in their general direction but I am a sarky cow and making comments about how you could never imagine life without your DD...
YANBU x

Original poster

MargeSimpsonsSecretWig · 16/05/2013 10:10

Thank you for even more replies! I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because I kept replaying the conversation in my head and sort of trying to think "well maybe she was tired or had a bad day" etc but there was no reason good enough to outweigh what she said. I was worrying again that I was being too sensitive but reading this again and all the new replies has reassured me that I'm really not!

I don't really know anyone where I live (just moved to be near family ironically enough!) but I think I'm going to get in touch with home start and see about having someone pop round and also start looking at toddler groups/baby groups to get dd used to being around children so then I can consider nursery and work Thank you for the homestart info btw! They sound really good!

I really appreciate all your replies and they've helped me accept that a bit of distance will be good and I won't be confiding in her anymore. Saying that I needed a break was such a hard thing to share with her because I felt so guilty (not anymore after seeing we all seem to feel the same sometimes! ) and the fact that even though I was obviously upset about it, she still stuck the boot in has really changed something. It was so out of the blue too because as far as I know, she never had any negative opinion about me having dd. I've never left dd with her either (because of only moving here recently and dd adjusting) so I don't think it was because she thought I was asking her to take dd off my hands. It was just so random.

I know I haven't replied to individual posts but Ive read them all and really appreciate everything you've all shared with me! Thank you everybody

OP posts:

ZombiesAteMyBaby · 16/05/2013 10:16

Well she's shot herself in the foot there then. She works in childcare? If everyone felt like her she'd be out of a job wouldn't she! She's a judgmental wanker! Ignore her.

Flobbadobs · 16/05/2013 10:20

I really hope you won't be sending DD to the nursery she works at! Actually that could be a way to out her rudeness, if anyone asks whether you would be considering sending DD there say "absolutely not" very firmly and see where that one goes..

BigBlockSingsong · 16/05/2013 10:26

That's genuinely an evil thing to say, I'd have probably left abruptly and made sure everyone within the family knew what she had said.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 16/05/2013 10:31

No need to feel guilty for wanting the odd break. It's human. I'm sorry that your mother is so horribly unsupportive. She should be ashamed.

C999875 · 16/05/2013 10:42

No of course you're not being unraesonable. How dare anyone tell anyone that they should abort their child. God I hate closed minded smug people. You were told that you maybe should have aborted the life that you carried inside, why because you need a break. Where is the crime in saying I need a break and even a little help sometimes. xx

olivertheoctopus · 16/05/2013 10:44

YANBU. What a nasty thing to say. I fucking hate the sanctimonious types who would never lower themselves to put their children in childcare and look down their noses on people who do. I would quite literally explode if I was a SAHM, it's just not for me but that's doesn't make me a bad mother. Everyone needs a break.

LondonJax · 16/05/2013 10:47

Like diddl I'm a SAHM and DS went to pre school three mornings a week from two and a half. Best thing I ever did. He grew confident and I looked forward to him coming home. Ignore the idiot. The only people I listen to now are the ones who agree with me

BeckAndCall · 16/05/2013 10:56

In my opinion, these only one appropriate response to a family member telling you they're struggling, and that's to say 'how can I help?'

I'm glad you realise now OP that the way you are feeling is no different from anyone else at the same stage and that there are options for support for you.

Flip

1 2 3 4