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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by being told maybe I should have had an abortion?!

78 replies

MargeSimpsonsSecretWig · 15/05/2013 21:32

Name changed in case this outs me.

Just had a conversation with a family member. I confided in them that I was struggling a bit and was considering scrimping together enough money to send dd to nursery a morning a week or considering ignoring health issues to get a job so that I could have a breather for a bit from just being "mummy". Family member said (quite snottily) that they'd never wanted to leave their children so they couldn't advise me on looking for a nursery or on making that decision as they'd chosen to run the house while their kids were young (despite the fact that they work in childcare so probably see a lot of parents like me so could easily advise me). I pointed out that I'm a single mum so its slightly different having no one to help money or just being there wise. They then said I chose to have my dd (she was a surprise baby) and maybe I should have had an abortion instead.

I'm really hurt and upset that this was her response to me confiding that I was struggling. That maybe I shouldn't have had my daughter. I feel like a crap mum too for needing a break because of the way she emphasised her words when she said that she never wanted to leave her dc's with anyone else. I feel like I can't confide in this person anymore either or ask for advice about dd anymore.

Sorry if this didnt make sense I just feel really sad. AIBU to be hurt or am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 15/05/2013 21:54

That is a seriously weird attitude your family member has.

She thinks that abortion is preferable to ever using childcare?

And she works in childcare?

ISHOOOOOOOS

I am completely biased when I tell you that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with going back to work to get away from your children needing a break sometimes. :o

Please don't feel guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty.

Original poster

MargeSimpsonsSecretWig · 15/05/2013 21:56

I just feel embarrassed too because I've confided in her a lot and has she secretly been thinking this the whole time? :/

Ooh, I've heard of home start littlemissgerard! I hadn't even thought of that. What do the volunteers do? My HV said they can come round but didnt really elaborate :)

I wonder about that too sock!

Dd is 14 months (ish) so no free hours yet. She doesn't see her dad at all either (despite me trying!) so him looking after her isn't an option either.

OP posts:

HildaOgden · 15/05/2013 21:56

There is absolutely no other role or job in the world that requires you to be 'on duty' 24 hours a day,7 days a week,every day of your life.For gods sake,do not feel guilty about relishing the thoughts of a few hours a week 'off'!!!!Not only will it give you some valuable headspace,it will give your child a chance to socalise and gain some independance.In fact,it could be argued that it's healthier for both of you (yourself and your child) to have some time with other people during the week.

Don't pay any heed to your relative,they are either A)justifying their own life choices or B) being strangled by their judgy pants.Either way,their view is a reflection of them,not of you.

Cravingdairy · 15/05/2013 22:01

Your child will get a lot out of going to childcare and you will get a lot out of some adult time. Your relative is clearly devoid of empathy and generally a nasty piece of work. Don't waste any more time on them.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 15/05/2013 22:08

yanbu op.

ballroomblitz · 15/05/2013 22:09

YANBU. What a fucker!!

It's damn hard being a parent never mind a lone parent which is twice as hard and to confide in someone you need a bit of help and for that answer, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan · 15/05/2013 22:13

Basically families get referred for many reasons, you basically have to have a child under 5 and want the support.

You could have more than one child and want support so you can spend quality time with one child at a time, want help with routines, maybe feel a bit isolated and just want some support and someone to chat to who can build your confidence and self esteem, just been struggling in general and just want a helping hand and support once a week. They can also signpost you to where to get info about childcare etc. they are there to support you how you want, they could spend time with the children while you get some jobs done etc. They aren't judgemental of you and are there for you to have a friend basically.

A coordinator will come and visit you in your home to work out what you want and how we can support you, and then you are matched with a volunteer who comes to your house once a week for a couple of hours.

This is their website here

Let me know if I can help with anything else, I am halfway through my training so only know the basics at the moment, but am happy to ask my coordinator for more info.

Xiaoxiong · 15/05/2013 22:14

Marge even if you do get some childcare is there a friend nearby who has a kid around the same age? When DS was younger, I had a babysitting swap for 90 minutes on a Friday morning with a neighbour - I looked after both kids first (her son is a bit older), then she came and took them home with her and I went round just before lunch to pick DS up.

AlwaysWashing · 15/05/2013 22:15

Hateful cow.

Of course YANBU.

Hats off to you for only wanting 1 morning off a week when you're doing it all alone - I have DH around a LOT to help and frequently feel the need for a week off.

So sorry you confided and got that shit in return, try and get past it & keep away from her.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 15/05/2013 22:15

What a nasty piece of work, hope you ignore her, and get the help you need

Plomino · 15/05/2013 22:23

WTAF ? What a terrible terrible cunt . How dare she make you feel so inadequate .

You show me someone who's never felt the smallest bit of glee at being child free even for a hour or so , and I'll show you someone in denial . I mean , I adore my tribe , would sacrifice myself for them without a second thought as everyone would , but I will cheerfully admit to leaving them with DH , getting in the car to go to work thinking '' Oh great ! Can go to work , sing in the car on the way without anyone rolling their eyes at me , and I might even manage a warm cup of tea. '

You don't need help from someone like her .

MammaTJ · 15/05/2013 22:44

Homestart can come round for a couple of hours a week. They are company for you, and, when you feel comfortable to do so, you can leave them with your child and go and have a bath or get some jobs done.

ConfusedPixie · 15/05/2013 22:51

Your family member is a prick and tbh, if she felt that way then I sure as hell wouldn't want her near children! I say this as a childcarer! That's utterly shit, every parent is entitled to a break, you do a tough job!

Practically though:
Does your local gym have a creche? I see a lot of Mum's having 'breaks' to go swimming at the gym I take my charge too and they relish it whilst the kids run amok in the softplay. I've even met a couple of parents who just sit downstairs and have coffee and a sudoku to complete!

minouminou · 16/05/2013 00:04

Nasty.

I'd let other family members know about this comment, too.
Slowly, over a period of a few months. Drip it into a convo now and then.

Scruffey · 16/05/2013 00:07

Complete moron. Cut her out of your life.

BestParentEver · 16/05/2013 00:11

Reading that upset me too, this person who said that is a moron! Let then know it and how it made you feel. When you confide in someone let them know when they are insensitive.

TolliverGroat · 16/05/2013 00:17

YANBU.

Do you have friends with children around the same age? Have you met up with local Mumsnetters?

I am doing a (loosely parenting-related) course on Tuesday mornings and TBH, while it's a great course, the three hours a week of not being climbed on/having snot wiped on my trousers (it comes with free creche facility) are a significant part of its appeal .

EugenesAxe · 16/05/2013 00:21

No you aren't being too sensitive or BU. Many women feel as you do (in terms of needing a break) and it does not make you any less of a person. To suggest you should have terminated is plain nasty; I think this woman needs to try a bit of 'walking in another's shoes'.

Some good suggestions here; Homestart, babysit swaps. I hope you get some help. Talking to HVs for advice may be worthwhile too, although many people think they are mainly shite, I've had some good ones.

samithesausage · 16/05/2013 00:24

That person is being a twat. If you look at it another way, nursery would give your dd the opportunity to do stuff that you would never dream of doing at home. Jelly play, sticking fingers in messy things and making a mess! You get a morning to yourself to do with whatever you want to. It'll be good for her, and good for you!

Mixxy · 16/05/2013 00:28

That person sounds like a bit of a See You Next Tuesday.

I'm married and a have lots of help with the baby. Even I want to go back to work, take a few days off etc.

It's totally normal how you feel. You're doing a great job of raising your child in more difficult circumstances than she is. I'm assuming that she's just jealous of you. YANBU.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2013 00:40

Hang on, your mother said this?

So she sneerily told you that she never wanted to leave you, her child, at a nursery when you were young but will happily hurt you like this now?

Toxic bitch.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/05/2013 00:47

i once had someone tell me that they should have had an abortion and that they had actually booked one....then considered adoption and had registered.
she was my mother.

needless to say i see nothing of her these days and havent for the last 13 years.....funny that eh?

cut this person out of your life and get on with enjoying what you have.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2013 00:59

Your mother? Your mother suggested that an abortion might have been a good idea, as presumable she thinks you're not coping? Her own granddaughter?

I'm speechless. She's vile.

You're not alone in feeling as you do and it's nothing to do with you being a single parent. Many parents feel as you do. I was a sort of SAHM (very sporadic work) and I honestly think, that if you can, part-time work is ideal. (Not at the expense of your health though). And I certainly wanted to climb the walls sometimes. I take my hat off to single parents.

And I loathe that smug 'they'd never wanted to leave their children' attitude. You're not thinking of dumping her in a workhouse for goodness' sake.

Might be nice if she'd actually offered you some help and support.

I hope you have other family and friends who are more supportive.

amazingmumof6 · 16/05/2013 01:13

YANBU! I'd be in floods of tears at a comment like that!

vile, evil twat

I got upset at the GP asking whether my 5th and 6th babies were planned (code for: are you keeping baby?), but this is just horrible! poor you!

you do what's best for you, you are allowed to take your child to a nursery to get a breather - it's good for them to socialize anyway!

big hugs, don't let the bastards bring you down!

Gullygirl · 16/05/2013 01:14

YADNBU. That is a truly despicable thing to have said to you. All parents need a break from their children, particularly when they are small and completely dependant on you.Everybody needs alone time.Speak to your Health Visitor about getting a nursery place, even for a couple of hours a week.

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