Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PFB or normal precaution for childcare?

119 replies

sparechange · 14/05/2013 11:23

I got an email from a friend who is getting married soon, complaining about another friend and I can't decide who is right on this. Opinions please!

Friend A is getting married with a small-ish do (60 people). During the meal, she has arranged for a couple of the staff from her DDs nursery to come and look after/entertain the children in a separate room. The invitation is slightly vague in so far as it doesn't say the children must be left in the room, but doesn't say they are welcome to join the meal (relevant later!). This isn't intentional - she just assumed most people would rather eat in peace given the option and it didn't occur to her that people would think they couldn't have their children sat with them if they preferred.

We both have a friend B. I've never been hugely close to her, but we ended up living near each other so probably see more of each other than we would under any other circumstances.

Friend B has emailed Friend A to ask if the can share the names and qualifications of the nursery workers who will be looking after the children, and also the name of the nursery, because she'd like to phone them up to speak to them - I guess get a reference?

Friend A has got really cross about this, because she thinks it is questioning her ability to find good childcare for her children and also thinks this is Friend A passively aggressively asking for her child to stay with them during the meal, which would have been fine if she had just asked outright.

I can sort of see Friend B's point that she doesn't want any old person looking after her (PFB) DD, but is it totally OTT to ask for their references? They'll be looking after the children for a couple of hours, tops, and the idea is they'll be supervised with toys, books and DVDs. I don't know the age range of the children, but would guess at 2-6?

On top of this, Friend A has asked me to bring it up with Friend B. I think I'm going to stay out of it and let them sort it out directly, but I just wanted some other opinions before I wade in on one side or anotheirng

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 14/05/2013 19:09

I can't understand why someone would have a friend who you don't trust to organise nursery staff.

NoWayPedro · 14/05/2013 19:12

bordello given they are nursery nurses from the brides DD nursery, surely they are already experienced with children and are CRB checked - what questions are there to ask? Fair enough ratios/how many other children but that could have been asked nicely to the bride. Sun not the wind and all that when someone is trying to do you a favour.

If for any reason she preferred her DD to stay with her (shy, SN, PFB, whatever) then fine but she doesn't need to come across so rude.

WilsonFrickett · 14/05/2013 19:14

Of course nursery workers do work on the side, but the nursery management usually takes great care to let parents know this is a private arrangement and has nothing to do with the nursery. So if friend B phones up to check their crb status I imagine she will get short shrift from the mgmt.

I don't think that someone who is being as thoughtful as this would be in the slightest bit phased by a child not settling with the childcare and coming back into the main room. She just sounds like she wants everyone to have a good time, including DCs.

Anyway. A is being thoughtful, B is being PFB and C (that's you OP) should be getting her trainers on and running far, far away....

youarewinning · 14/05/2013 19:20

Difficult one. I would want to speak to the childcarers because my DS has allergies, an epi pen and social problems.

I would leave him quite happily but only if I knew he would be looked after and kept safe.

Personally I think if someone wants to check on provision for their child then thats their business - what harm does it do for friend A to provide it. If friend B does become all PFB and OTT its not friend A it will reflect on iyswim?

youarewinning · 14/05/2013 19:22

Oh, btw - I wouldn't give a toss about the qualifications and bits of paper - just that they could deal with DS needs if they arose.

EglantinePrice · 14/05/2013 19:22

I think friend b is well within her rights to politely ask for contact details (so as not to bother the bride). I don't let my mates choose my childcare. The school does employ teachers etc on our behalf but that is in an official/qualified capacity and I don't think that's comparable FJL203.

You haven't said how old friend b's children are but I'm guessing they're at the lower end of the age range and that's why she's more concerned.

Its easy when you've got older primary children to forget what its like to have really little ones.

I think this has been blow out of proportion I bet she just wants to ring and ask the nursery nurses a quick question like "dd is 2 will you be able to cope with her with all those 8 year olds?... ...you will that's great see you there"

IvorHughJarse · 14/05/2013 19:22

Agree with everything ShowOfHands said as per

coffeewineandchocolate · 14/05/2013 19:23

I think I'm in the minority as I would also want more information. As a parent it is my responsibility to ensure my child is safe and cared for appropriately. I would have no problem in principle about the arrangement but I would want to know about ratios and qualifications.

in my profession I have visited many nurseries and the quality of staffing varies greatly as does the level of experience. even if the nursery is great, there is a hierarchy there with staff who have different levels of responsibility and experience. I would be wanting to ensure that there was at least one supervisor or senior/ very experienced member of staff rather than a bunch of the less experienced or still training staff.

if that makes me pfb then so be it

Cloverer · 14/05/2013 19:25

B is being ridiculous.

She can choose whether she wants her child entertained by qualified, checked childcare professionals in the same building she is or not. I wouldn't be pandering to her by letting her hassle the nursery.

piprabbit · 14/05/2013 19:30

It's not like Friend B is being asked to leave her child in a different building. The child will be there, in the next room, with qualified staff and Friend B can pop in and out as much as she likes. She can even change her mind and bring her child in to the main room if she really isn't happy about the standard of care.

I think Friend B is making a huge mountain out of a molehill and and Friend A is adding to it by trying to involve the OP.

WilsonFrickett · 14/05/2013 19:30

Coffee, I do understand wht you're saying, but ultimately the parents of all these children will be in the same building. They aren't being handed over to strangers, they're being entertained next door.

I think A's dd is around 2, btw.

WilsonFrickett · 14/05/2013 19:31

X post Grin

coffeewineandchocolate · 14/05/2013 19:58

I'm aware the parents are next door but If they aren't there to supervise it doesn't really matter how far away you are. you are still leaving your child in someone else's care and relying on their judgement

I'm also aware that the child is 2. So is mine but I still would want to know more

CloudsAndTrees · 14/05/2013 20:10

I'm with friend B, and I think friend A is being over sensitive and making it all about herself.

Why does she think that friend B is making a judgement on her choice of childcare? Confused That's a completely illogical conclusion to come to. Friend B probably couldn't give a toss about who is looking after little A at nursery, as long as they're not harming her. All she cares about is who will be looking after her child, which is what any good parent of a two year old would care about.

I'm shocked that people think it's PFB to want to at least talk on the phone to someone who is going to be looking after your toddler. It's a basic part of parenting to ensure your child is only looked after by people you trust, not PFB at all!

Friend A made the mistake by being vague in her invitation. She should have made it clear that she was providing a facility that parents were welcome to use if they choose to. She should not have risked coming across as if she was telling people what they would be doing with their own children.

Kiriwawa · 14/05/2013 20:15

You are next door coffee. Your children are in the room for at most 2 hours, probably nearly 1.5.

What is your concern? Seriously, I'd really like to try and understand because I just don't get it. There are qualified professionals from the b&g's DD's nursery who will be doing the childcare.

Do some of you seriously ask to see the quals of every single person who ever cares for your children? Ask for refs? Even if it's for an hour?

I just wonder how you're going to cope when your kids start school. And I feel very sorry for the schools

Cloverer · 14/05/2013 20:17

I'd meet the babysitters/entertainers on the day, I'd see what the room and set-up was like, I'd leave my 2 year old there if he was happy.

No way would I expect to call their employers to get references.

Kiriwawa · 14/05/2013 20:25

Well exactly Cloverer. That's the normal way of dealing with this sort of issue. What B is proposing is extremely rude.

coffeewineandchocolate · 14/05/2013 20:29

kiriwawa- I didn't say I would ask for references. I would want to know about staff ratios, qualifications and experience.

In answer to your question, yes I do make sure I know and trust the people who care for my child. When he starts school, I will see the school, speak to the teachers and see the facilities like most parents do. I will make my choices based on that.

I would also like to think that my ds would be at a coherent developmental stage in 3 years! ie his communication skills would be more advanced, his understanding increased so it could be explained to him about the arrangements.

Heebiejeebie · 14/05/2013 20:40

The nursery workers are not taking these children on a potholing trip. They are looking after them briefly in the next sodding room.

exoticfruits · 14/05/2013 21:14

Exactly Heebiejeebie! If your DC isn't happy you can always go in with them anyway.

Cloverer · 14/05/2013 21:30

I'm surprised you need to know about ratios, qualifications and experience in advance for someone to watch your toddler in another room in the same building.

exoticfruits · 14/05/2013 21:32

Especially as you can go along there on the day and stay with them if not happy. But I am surprised that you think that a friend is incompetent to make a simple arrangement.

coffeewineandchocolate · 14/05/2013 21:36

I think everyone parents differently based on their own experiences and comfort zones. Any friends I have wouldn't have an issue with me doing what I needed to feel comfortable leaving my child with someone I did not know myself and vice versa. they certainly wouldn't take it personally!

Cloverer · 14/05/2013 21:38

If I was the bride I would say for goodness sake, just keep your child with you then!

coffeewineandchocolate · 14/05/2013 21:41

I wouldn't think my friend is incompetent, I see it as my responsibility to ensure my ds is happy and safe, not my friends.

I don't expect everyone to agree but I would expect a friend to respect my parenting choices, particularly if it's just a case of getting additional information