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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PFB or normal precaution for childcare?

119 replies

sparechange · 14/05/2013 11:23

I got an email from a friend who is getting married soon, complaining about another friend and I can't decide who is right on this. Opinions please!

Friend A is getting married with a small-ish do (60 people). During the meal, she has arranged for a couple of the staff from her DDs nursery to come and look after/entertain the children in a separate room. The invitation is slightly vague in so far as it doesn't say the children must be left in the room, but doesn't say they are welcome to join the meal (relevant later!). This isn't intentional - she just assumed most people would rather eat in peace given the option and it didn't occur to her that people would think they couldn't have their children sat with them if they preferred.

We both have a friend B. I've never been hugely close to her, but we ended up living near each other so probably see more of each other than we would under any other circumstances.

Friend B has emailed Friend A to ask if the can share the names and qualifications of the nursery workers who will be looking after the children, and also the name of the nursery, because she'd like to phone them up to speak to them - I guess get a reference?

Friend A has got really cross about this, because she thinks it is questioning her ability to find good childcare for her children and also thinks this is Friend A passively aggressively asking for her child to stay with them during the meal, which would have been fine if she had just asked outright.

I can sort of see Friend B's point that she doesn't want any old person looking after her (PFB) DD, but is it totally OTT to ask for their references? They'll be looking after the children for a couple of hours, tops, and the idea is they'll be supervised with toys, books and DVDs. I don't know the age range of the children, but would guess at 2-6?

On top of this, Friend A has asked me to bring it up with Friend B. I think I'm going to stay out of it and let them sort it out directly, but I just wanted some other opinions before I wade in on one side or anotheirng

OP posts:

BeanoNoir · 14/05/2013 12:37

It's difficult to judge this. If dc is only just 2 that's v different to being 6. i.e. my dd (currently 21 months) when she just turns 2 will be still in nappies and will never have been in a professional childcare setting... only left with grandparents who she knows very well in a familiar environment. She is still at a stage where she can hurt herself badly by climbing, running, falling etc if not watched closely and needs cuddling if tired and close to naptime. I'm probably pfb but would be unsure about leaving her.

When she's 6 however she'll have been at school a couple of years.

In a wedding situation like this though I wouldn't be asking for credentials of nursery staff, I'd prob be arranging to go to wedding without dd as if I felt awkward leaving her I wouldn't but also wouldn't want to mess up or dictate someone else's wedding plans. Think I'd much rather go child free anyway.

So can sort of see both sides, depending on child's age.

Pigsmummy · 14/05/2013 12:38

It is a lovely idea, shame that friend B can't see that. If friend A asked you to get involved/have a word then I would. So what if you piss off friend B? You hardly know her. help your friend out.

As long as the chdren are not sitting in a cold cow shed (happened at a wedding I went to) I think they would probably have more fun in separate party. This is another example of a bride bending over backwards to accommodate everyone only to have a bitchy guest decide to kick up a fuss!

YoniOno · 14/05/2013 12:45

What Showy said.

It's the proper job of a parent to be happy with how they are caring for, or delegating the care for their child. All parents are different, all children are different, and while some children would be fine, others wouldn't. None of your business IMO - how people choose to parent is their business and no-one else's. If she is very attachment-y then perhaps her child hasn't been away from her? I think it's common to be a bit OCD about having perfect childcare, and tbh isn't it better than the alternative?

BeanoNoir · 14/05/2013 13:12

YY I agree with Showy too. No one should try and shame or sneer at a parent to try and make them agree to a childcare situation they're not happy with. How awful if you went against your better instincts and then regretted it afterwards.

BeanoNoir · 14/05/2013 13:14

I think PFB is a funny phrase to use when you're knowingly referring to yourself as being a bit cautious when you don't know what you're doing with your first born but it's not so nice when it's a label attached to somebody else who you don't know at all.

MiaowTheCat · 14/05/2013 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 14/05/2013 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ryanboy · 14/05/2013 13:34

PFB but I can understand.I went to a wedding (in spain) with a similar arrangement and I was quite anzious about it beforehand especially as the 'nannies' were Spanish.But on the day it was fine, better than fine there were about 15 children between 2 months and 12 years and the function room was just across the hallway and they all had a ball! especially the 8 week old baby who even at that age was fascinated and excited by all the older children!.

BeanoNoir · 14/05/2013 13:37

It says in the op that friend b directly emailed friend a, not that she's ringing round third parties. Op says it's friend a who has asked her to get involved, not friend b.

I agree it should be kept between the two friends, but from this op for various posters to label friend b's behaviour bitchy and that she's rallying round friends to get her point across just seems fantasy to me.

OutragedFromLeeds · 14/05/2013 13:40

Friend B is being nuts PFB.

BeanoNoir · 14/05/2013 13:40

Not really sure why I'm feeling the need to stick up for friend B but some comments seem a bit harsh on this person who I have never met and have no idea what they're really like.

FacebookWanker · 14/05/2013 13:44

I would stay out of it.
When my friend did this at her wedding, she gave us lots of background info on the agency she was using. We also had the choice about whether or not we wanted our children to be in the other room.

I trusted her to find someone who she trusted since her little girl was going to be there too. We're all different though and if friend B doesn't feel happy about it, it's not someone else's place to tell her that she should be.

FacebookWanker · 14/05/2013 13:44

I can understand friend A being annoyed though...

Kiriwawa · 14/05/2013 13:50

It's absurdly PFB.

What on earth is going to happen during an hour or so when the parents are in the room next door?

NoWayPedro · 14/05/2013 14:01

PFB

I've been to weddings where this has been organised well and I think it's a lovely gesture if parents want to take them up on the offer. Friend B is BU because:

she should appreciate the gesture even if she wants her DD to stay with her. "Thanks Friend A, I'd feel more comfortable DD sitting with me but that's for the offer" would have been enough
if she is potentially happy to let DD in the room what exactly is phoning the nursery going to achieve? "So you're CRB checked and have experience with children? Errr yes, you're aware you phoned a nursery?"

Friend B has handled this quite ungraciously IMO.

NoWayPedro · 14/05/2013 14:02

*thanks

Limelight · 14/05/2013 14:07

Total PFB behaviour! You should absolutely keep out of it though OP!

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 14:14

Oh leave poor friend b alone I say! It's a scary world we live in and a little checking up will do no harm.... Silly to cordon off kiddos IMHO. Dd may be au fait with the nursery staff, but other kids won't. Bride is being outrageously bridzilla. So what if friend be is being pfb. She's entitled to!

Tailtwister · 14/05/2013 14:32

Some friends of ours did something similar for their wedding and it worked really well. The really young ones (3 and under I think) had their own childminder as they would be going off to sleep in the early evening. The ones who were staying in the room provided had a 3:1 ratio.

We were given a name of someone at the hotel to contact and they gave us the details of various childminders they regularly used so we sort of arranged it ourselves iyswim. I can see why friend A was annoyed though. Friend B's reaction suggested she doesn't trust friend A and thinks her judgement of good childcare providers is any good.

exoticfruits · 14/05/2013 14:44

We did something similar at our wedding, much the best option for the DCs. However don't get involved- stay well out of it.

Original poster

sparechange · 14/05/2013 14:47

bordellosboheme, I don't think she is being bridezilla!

She isn't saying it is a childless wedding, or that children have to be kept away.

Her main point to me is that by saying B wants to check up on the childcare, she is basically saying 'I don't trust you to have found decent people to look after your own DD for 3 days a week'.

B's DD is also at nursery, and it is one which B perceives to be miles better than all the others in our area (IMO, it isn't) to the extent that she drives 20 mins in the opposite direction of her work to get there and drop DD off before she goes to work.

A and B live miles away from each other, so it isn't like she knows about A's nursery and doesn't like it.

And to the OPs that think I'm unduly muscling in, A emailed me to tell me about B's email, and finished off by saying 'seriously, can you have a word with her about this when you next see her, because I actually don't know what to say'.

I think I'm going to reply that it will be best coming from A, but that I will let B know that A is planning to speak to her

OP posts:

Potteresque97 · 14/05/2013 14:52

Back away...I feel sorry for the friend who's wedding it is, the pfb mum should just keep the child with her or hire her own sitter for the dc at home, putting extra stress/demands on the bride isn't fair (and my wedding was years ago). It's really odd that she thinks she has the right for more info, it was never going to go over well.

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 14:55

Why doesn't b have the right for more info ffs?

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 14:58

God I feel really sorry for friend b. if I was her I wouldn't be going to the damned wedding now. She's only trying to safeguard her child. Not a crime.

HamletsSister · 14/05/2013 15:01

Will B also be checking up on the caterers, making sure she is happy with the registrar / vicar? Will she require references from the chef?

Run like the wind. A is being a total cow.

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