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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PFB or normal precaution for childcare?

119 replies

sparechange · 14/05/2013 11:23

I got an email from a friend who is getting married soon, complaining about another friend and I can't decide who is right on this. Opinions please!

Friend A is getting married with a small-ish do (60 people). During the meal, she has arranged for a couple of the staff from her DDs nursery to come and look after/entertain the children in a separate room. The invitation is slightly vague in so far as it doesn't say the children must be left in the room, but doesn't say they are welcome to join the meal (relevant later!). This isn't intentional - she just assumed most people would rather eat in peace given the option and it didn't occur to her that people would think they couldn't have their children sat with them if they preferred.

We both have a friend B. I've never been hugely close to her, but we ended up living near each other so probably see more of each other than we would under any other circumstances.

Friend B has emailed Friend A to ask if the can share the names and qualifications of the nursery workers who will be looking after the children, and also the name of the nursery, because she'd like to phone them up to speak to them - I guess get a reference?

Friend A has got really cross about this, because she thinks it is questioning her ability to find good childcare for her children and also thinks this is Friend A passively aggressively asking for her child to stay with them during the meal, which would have been fine if she had just asked outright.

I can sort of see Friend B's point that she doesn't want any old person looking after her (PFB) DD, but is it totally OTT to ask for their references? They'll be looking after the children for a couple of hours, tops, and the idea is they'll be supervised with toys, books and DVDs. I don't know the age range of the children, but would guess at 2-6?

On top of this, Friend A has asked me to bring it up with Friend B. I think I'm going to stay out of it and let them sort it out directly, but I just wanted some other opinions before I wade in on one side or anotheirng

OP posts:
HamletsSister · 14/05/2013 15:01

Sorry, meant B. Trying to multi task.

A is being very good in trying to make her wedding suitable for children.

B is the cow.

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 15:05

Wow some harsh views here....

Potteresque97 · 14/05/2013 15:12

It's not about the not leaving your child with a stranger, that's fine of course, my dd wouldn't go for a minute in this situation. But I'd never ask to see references, it's about how it comes across and the not being considerate of the efforts the other friend's gone to for friends with children. Weddings, you just accept or you don't go.

FJL203 · 14/05/2013 15:20

If I were you I'd stay well out of it.

If I were the bride I'd announce a change of plan and say that no children other than my own were welcome at my wedding.

If I were B I'd be getting myself a life and reading up on how nursery staff need to be CRB checked, interviewed and appointed on merit and experience regardless of which nursery they work for.

PollyPlummer · 14/05/2013 15:29

Gosh I have always thought I was not at all pfb about my dts, after reading this I have realized that I probably am.
I would want to know more about the arrangement tbh, but I would have asked the bride though rather than the nursery.

I think it all depends on the age of the children, and how confident they are in unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar people, sorry if I missed the bit where you said how friend B dc is.

diddl · 14/05/2013 15:35

I don't see why A doesn't just give out the info tbh.

Jeez-B just perhaps wants to satisfy herself that she has "done something" towards the care of her child iyswim.

How many here have let others choose the childcare that they use??

Original poster
sparechange · 14/05/2013 16:06

FJL203 I don't think the bride wants it to be a child free wedding.
The majority of friends and family have got children, and lots of aspects of the day have been planned around making it work for their own DD.
I think OP nailed it by saying she has just had her otherwise lovely gesture thrown back at her where as B should probably be saying how lovely it is that she is being accommodating.

Diddl, I sort of see your point, but I know that it wouldn't occur to me to check out the qualifications of the entertainment at a birthday party

OP posts:
FJL203 · 14/05/2013 16:07

diddl - I wouldn't send my very young DC to a childminder because I wasn't willing to leave them with someone who was unsupervised by no-one and who I didn't know.

I was however willing to leave them with a babysitter who was also a qualified P/T nursery nurse and P/T nanny to my friend's daughter because I trusted my friend's recommendation of a nanny she herself used.

I bet most people are also happy to let the school choose the teachers - and therefore carer - for their pre-prep/reception age child too, or do most want to see the credentials and have the details of the class teacher, peripatetic music teacher or additional staff and class helpers who take the child on a day out?

FJL203 · 14/05/2013 16:08
  • who was supervised by no-one, not un supervised by no-one. Whoops! Blush
Schooldidi · 14/05/2013 16:18

I can see friend B's point of view. My dd is 3 and would NOT be happy being left in the care of strangers, no matter who they are. I'm not being pfb as she's my second and she's left with our cm every day, but she's an incredibly shy little girl and would always want to know the people she's being left with.

I wouldn't have asked for qualifications, etc though, I would have just asked if dd could stay with me if she needed to as she's not very socially confident in new situations.

I'd stay out of it if I was you. Get them to talk to each other, not text, and see if they can sort out the problems. It's probably a communication problem rather than a question of unreasonableness.

lljkk · 14/05/2013 16:39

I think A is being silly to involve OP, just give B the info and forget about it. A shouldn't be trying to 2nd guess B's motives.

Although you guys know B best, and if she's such a pest the staff will refuse to come after all, maybe... but then why has Bride invited B at all, etc.

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 16:41

I agree with diddl. If I was the bride I would not care at all about any checking up. What's there to hide, after all?

Kiriwawa · 14/05/2013 16:53

I think it's fine to supply the PITA with the name of the nursery. As for individual qualifications, she can take them up directly.

I should imagine that A has other/better things to think about.

KitchenandJumble · 14/05/2013 16:59

PFB in the extreme. I would stay well out of it.

Original poster
sparechange · 14/05/2013 17:01

bordello, do you think it might annoy the nursery/key workers?
I can see them being a bit narked at having their ability questioned by a random mother, plus there is also the issue of them doing a bit of work on the side...

Although I think the issue is still whether this questioning means B thinks A doesn't have capable people to look after her child

OP posts:
lljkk · 14/05/2013 17:03

All nursery workers do bits on the side, that's normal.
I am beginning to realise what a headache this is for A. Ideally she should ask the workers if they mind their details being passed on, then pass them on, but A has enough on her plate without this silliness, because B can just interview them on the night, no need for advance arrangements (assuming no undisclosed SN, etc.)

FJL203 · 14/05/2013 17:06

The best the B could reasonably hope for is a cold, "You know which nursery these 2 people will be coming from, it's the one I use for DD. Give them a call and ask them, if you're interested."

Though personally I'd add, "But if there's a problem with the childcare on offer at MY wedding I won't be at all offended if you leave littleB at home with her dad or if you decide not to come".

bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 17:09

Spare change if the nursery workers a so high and mighty about a genuine reassuring checkup then there's something wrong with them / something to hide. Are they actually allowed to do work on the side.... ? Is that the real issue here?

ChunkyPickle · 14/05/2013 17:16

Stay out of it..

I think it's a great idea - DP's work's parties do the same thing, I actually feel more sorry for the entertainer than worried for the kids because once DS realised that the man was there to provide toys/balloons/magic tricks he wouldn't leave him alone (especially embarrassing during the whole secret pocket in a velvet bag which makes things disappear/produce silk hankies - loud voice, and little poking fingers 'it's HERE')

insancerre · 14/05/2013 17:22

of course they are allowed to do work on the side, most nursery workers earn very little that they rely on babysitting to pay the bils
I doubt very much if the nursery would tell friend b anything about their staff even if she did ring and ask

Original poster
sparechange · 14/05/2013 17:25

bordello, really? They are trying to hide something? That seems awfully paranoid
There was a thread a few months ago where a teacher said the PTA had asked all the teachers to provide details on where they got their degree and the grade they got. There was widespread outrage that parents should ask for, let alone be given this level of detail!

OP posts:
bordellosboheme · 14/05/2013 18:07

Gosh, you seem a bit blinded by authority spare change. I don't blame PTA actually ( and I'm married to a teacher) Wink

FJL203 · 14/05/2013 18:43

That's strange. The degrees, grades and where they were from of our teachers were published in each annual prospectus. Those of my DC's schools are published on the school websites.

MiaowTheCat · 14/05/2013 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiriwawa · 14/05/2013 19:09

FJL I can only assume your children are at private school. that's not been my experience in state schools

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