Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

I've been a SAHM since DS was born 6 years ago. I'd risen through the ranks at work just by saying I was happy to get involved in something or being in the right place at the right time. I ended up doing a high flying job that I never would have applied for! So being a sahm has been perfect for me to 'regroup'. I keep my hand in by doing some volunteering in the field I worked in, but when it suits me. It keeps my skills up to date and, again, I've been offered the chance to work full time but it doesn't suit me at the moment.

As far as finances are concerned, I put some of the proceeds of the flat I had when I met DH into our current house and saw a financial advisor when I was pregnant about how to use the rest to see me through until I returned to work. I've managed to make the money from my flat last six years and can probably manage another three at this rate.

Having been divorced previously from a man who frittered money away, I have been careful to get our property and the business bank account in joint names, our will is up to date and I've sorted out our life assurance. I'm a director of DH business and I've paid up my state pension. As I'm a late mum I already had over twenty six years worth of contributions so I think it cost me a couple hundred pounds to get full state pension, worth doing. I ask for a statement every two years to stay on top. DH pays me a monthly 'wage', which means I don't have to go cap in hand for a new pair of tights! Absolutely no way he or I would like that. I get a dividend as a director each year which I save in my name - separate to the left over flat money. So financially I'm OK I think.

Three years ago DH began to work from home. He travels sometimes but he's usually about to pick up DS from school etc. The interesting thing about that is that DS now doesn't know who actually earns the money for the household. He sees both me and DS before and after school and if he's off sick, we're both there. So, as far as he's concerned, we both work for the household - which we do - DH brings in the cash and I make sure our home works.

I must admit I got a bit sick to death of the 'still a sahm?'remarks when DS began school. So I was a bit naughty and used to say 'you mean you HAVE to go out to work? Didn't you manage to save then? I bet you're exhausted.' (Don't mean it of course, but it soon stopped the smug expressions). I enjoy being a sahm - oddly enough both my sisters are sahms too though, now their kids are growing up, they've begun their own businesses and are doing very well. My mum always worked when we were young so seeing her juggle didn't inspire us to try! I see it as a chance to sit back and decide what the next few years of my life will look like without the constant pressure of running just to keep to someone else's timetable which is what I did in my last job.

In the end, as long as you're happy doing what you do, that's all that matters. So career, full time, part time or sahm, we all have a part to play. DS's school couldn't function without the full time or part time parent helpers and many charities would struggle without those people who don't 'work' (whatever that means).

I am a sahm and have been for the last 10 years. You know what made up my mind for me was that my mum died when I was 5 months pregnant with my first dc. In my view life is too short and I made my mind up there and then that I would not go back to work unless it was financially necessary. Luckily for us dh had a good job at the time which meant it was possible for me to give up work completely. He has been made redundant twice during my time as a sahm and during that time we discussed my going back to work temporarily but each time it wasn't needed as he got a job within the timescales we set ourselves.

Both our dcs are now at school fulltime and I am always busy and never get bored. E.g today I have printed around 50 letters for the school PTA asking for donations for the schools summer fair. I hand delivered 20 of these when I went into town shopping. The others I posted . Tomorrow I am helping in school all morning at a science workshop for Ks1. Friday afternoon I am back in school for the PTA meeting. A couple of weeks ago I went on the KS2 trip and I am going on the KS1 trip after half term. I have decorated the whole of the upstairs of the house since xmas. Obviously, this is on top of the usual washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking. I am happy with my choice and that's all that really matters. Interestingly, my friend has just given up her full time job to be a sahm as she found it too stressful trying to juggle everything. She was worried that she would be bored and not be able to hack it but she is enjoying it so far and said to me last week that there are not enough hours in the day.

i agree that the expectation is that the mother will work as asap or when the youngest reaches nursery or shool age. people seem surprised if you are a sahm to older children.

there are pros and cons. i like that we cn be more relaxed and less stressed than many of my working friends but there is the worry of finances if your marriage goes own the pan.

I agree ragwort. The irony being that at a time when finding work for anyone is at one of its most difficult, the government are hell bent on trying to push as many parents back to work as possible.... into what jobs??!

Why can't they give more incentives for sahm's to stay home if they want to.

I too disagree with there being pressure to be SAHM. It is definitely more the other way. I also disagree that SAHM are more likely to be helicopter parents who organise everything, I know about even numbers of WOHM and SAHM that do that. I certainly don't! (SAHM)

Startail agree with your post about why the government don't like us!

Women have campaigned for years and years and years for help with the cost of childcare.

Please please don't start re-imagining it as a conspiracy against women just to suit your own self image!

I think wordfactory is right- argueing that SAHM are discriminated against because WOHP get help with childcare they need is a bit like argueing that you need child benefit when you dont have children .

Most of the slights "still a SAHM ?" "not bringing up your own DC?" come from defensiveness and self doubt/insecurity.
I have never encountered as a SAHM or WOHM any of the slights and sometimes wonder if thats down to my own self esteem ie Im not doubting the choices I made and therefore am not "reading" more into things said.
The reply above by London actually made my toes curl it was so cringingly awful whether it was meant or not. Do people really say things like that ???? I must live in a parallel universe !

Really? Where did you get that from wordfactory - I must have skimmed that - "to suit your self image" strange.

One of my issues when the DCs were little were that if I had sent the children to a nursery they would spend all day with someone less educated than me, one of the problems of childcare being a minimum rate job. People tended to do it because it was convenient or, in the past, all they were qualified to do rather than it being a career choice attracting motivated people - I do appreciate things have changed slightly in recent years.

I would say women are pressured not to be SAHM from literally every angle.

The self image of beleaguered minority group!

Where even things that help the majority of women are seen as a personal attack!

Look, I didn't need help with child care either. But that doesn't mean I can't see how important it is that women receive it. Surely we're able to think beyond the prism of our own direct experience?

i think there is pressure from someone whatever you do,no not pressure thats too extreme in most cases,but we are all going to encounter those that think we should be doing something else.most sahm feel like wohm think they are lazy and boring and from what i gather on here a lot of wohm feel like sahm think they should be looking after their own children instead of chasing the yankee dollar.

hehe i love saying that.david brent style.

BlueSky
My Dc went to Nursery school and were taught by a qualified teacher aiming for headship .I think you are confusing this type of nursery school with high quality early years curriculum with a ( they are not always low quality) Nursery employing teenagers in a childcare situation.
Both my DC attended- I was a SAHM I didnt do it for childcare ,I cant remember but I dont think we paid for it and they went to the school with their Nursery classmates.

Bluesky.

Are you meaning preschool not nursery. I ask as no childcare workers are teachers in the nurseries round here. They are baby room, toddler room and then a little bit more formal, but not much in pre school. The 15 free hours would only cover preschool 3+ certainly not nursery.

sorry i meant Alvin not Bluesky

It was called Nursery School but I think it was Preschool - I think we are making the same point- different name !

Thank you so mug for all of your replys. It's been really interesting reading them. It's made me feel better and alot of you have articulated what I meant.

I do agree with others above that there is pressure for women to go back to work rather than stay at home. We are overlooked ESP by the govt.

I suppose I do care what others think of me but ultimately I know my decision is the right one.

Will have to investigate the NI contributions. I've worked for nearly 20 years so hopefully that will be ok.

lol,some of you are priceless.your opinion is measured,neutral.mine isa fight?
aye funny how that works for one of you.hell if I thought I was that omnipotent I'd post more
haven't caught up with all thread as been working,don't have have biscuit and wright show time

You can find out whether you will be entitled to a state pension (as it stands anyway) by googling state pension calculator and filling in the details. I did it earlier, it tells you how much you'll be entitled to as things stand and how many more years contributions you'd need to make to get a full pension. Very useful. It's on the government website.

can anyone translate what scottish mummy just said ?

She said she wants to be a sahm but needs to have a biscuit first :)

SM

when you are giving relationship advice, or mental health advice, your posts are coherent. But when you come on to talk about SAHMs they go all elliptical and strangely punctuated.

I ask in the spirit of friendship - what are we to make of this?

Less educated, Blue? For nursery? Ha ha ha. Since when have you needed a degree to look after a baby? My 18 month old really benefits from my MA when we are playing in the sandpit and bothering the dog

I think you fully understand alvin,but are choosing to be wilfully dim
I do think is funny that some of you think your pov= neutral.and mine intolerable
the wee face it's unnecessary as post wasn't humour it's nor likely to elicit humour