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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
wordfactory · 17/05/2013 10:26

olgaga you are right.

None of us do know what's best for others. And none of us know what's best for DC as if they were a homogenous group.

And to be honest, even if there were a 'best' most people wouldn't have the choice to take it, would they?

That's why I'm perfectly happy for women to enjoy being SAHPs, but I get very cross if people step over the line abd start to say it's the best thing for DC. Not because I'm defensive. I'm not. Not because I'm jealous. I'm not...

I do it in defence of all those working women out there who are doing their bloody best! For all our daughters and dughters in law. And their duaghters. Saddle them with guilt and sadness for doing their best?

Not on my watch!

wordfactory · 17/05/2013 10:28

blueskies it is not the responsibiklity fo working parents to support parents who do not wish to work!!!

Surely you can see that is a ridiculous suggestion!

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 10:29

Are you actually serious blueskies ? So my money and that of other taxpayers should enable her to stay at home with her kids when she could easily have worked (even part-time) once her kids went to school.

Um, and taking care of your children includes providing for them financially and that may mean having to work..

Plus, if you look at her posts many of the reasons she gives for not working are rather less to do with her children and rather more to do with the fact she can't be fucked

It's a joke.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 10:30

I'm not suggesting that,you would need one parent working.

More was claiming what she was entitled to.

The fact remains more needs to be done to facilitate those families that want a sahp.

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 10:31

You have to wonder if some people have any sort of grip on reality wordfactory

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 10:33

Oh right we have no grip on reality now. Hmm

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 10:34

Oh and trust me finding part time work if you've been out for a while isn't easy.

lizabeth0607 · 17/05/2013 10:36

I decided not to go back to work after my maternity leave ended, I was then in a good financial situation, however recently I have split up with my Daughters Dad and things have got a whole lot harder. People ask me the same questions, ignore them, it's your life and you're looking after your children! x

wordfactory · 17/05/2013 10:37

blueskies what help do you think the governemnt should give?

Because anyhting that costs anything has to be funded by the tax payer. And the vast majority of tax payers are working parents.

It's a tough sell, you see?

Tell people that you need money because you think child care is the work of the devil and that the people to give you that money should put their DC in childcare!!!

Dichotomy much?

The reality is we all choose to have DC. No one makes us do it. If we wish to do itin a aparticular way, we have to fund it ourselves.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 17/05/2013 10:46

Families with one sahp are paying tax,often more than those on the same amount split.

I've listed further down what I think should be done.

olgaga · 17/05/2013 10:47

Just because people are working doesn't mean they're not entitled to claim benefits. Many also have to claim childcare and tax credits, housing benefit etc.

I would be wrong to assume that all parents who work are net contributors!

If you are entitled to claim benefits then you should claim them. No-one should criticise anyone for claiming benefits they are entitled to.

spacegoat · 17/05/2013 10:47

Just want to point out that if my dh and I earned our family income jointly we would pay much less tax.

So please don't think you are earning and paying tax for ALL sahm's. Never recieved any benefits (cb excluded but no longer recieving) or tax credits, have private pension plans etc.

As a family unit we do pay in a substantial amount. We are happy to, we believe morally we should. One earner will pay more tax than 2 earning the same amount. Nobody is working for me to be at home other than dh, and he chooses to.

olgaga · 17/05/2013 10:47

*I should be It.

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 10:53

morethans husband only earns minimum wage dontcha know.. Hmm So I strongly doubt whether his tax payments have covered her benefits..

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 10:56

I went onto a tax calculator I found on google quite recently. Can't remember where so I can't post the link. If I find it I will post. The upshot for Dh and I was that even with 3 dc we are net contributors by a few thousand a year. That is with dh earning around 60k and me being a SAHM. Not all families with a SAHP are a drain on taxes.

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 10:59

ihategeorge no one is saying that all parents are.. If you can afford to SAH fine..

But some are and it's then a bit rich to criticise other mothers for working when those working mothers are subsidising them..

spacegoat · 17/05/2013 11:00

Yes but morethan isn't representative of all sahm's. People will always abuse the system, find the loop holes. That's another thread.

Just don't assume all sahps are doing the same.

pussycatwillum · 17/05/2013 11:00

There is always plenty of voluntary work you can do. I am retired now and find there is plenty to do. Even when my first DCs went to school (they are 36 and 37) there were people who asked 'but what do you DO?' Because people who work need to categorise you by your job for some reason.You just have to ignore them. I did go back to work when youngest DC was a baby for financial reasons, but never used to mention my occupation to strangers as a sort of defence mechanism after that early experience. I think it is better for children to come home to a parent rather than a childminder and DH was a househusband for DC 3 until I retired and he took over the breadwinner role again.

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 11:01

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-13633966

Here it is. We are net contributors to the tune of 6k

Xenia · 17/05/2013 11:04

Those who think the current system of tax credits or tax is unfair can lobby to change the law, but vilifying people, small businesses, working mothers, benefits claimants, companies or anyone who simply lawfully claims what they are entitled to claim is a bit pointless. People have to work within the law of where they live.

Where we can criticise people is where they claim benefits and work on the side or earn money but take cash in hand and do not pay tax on it. Those are totally different thing from a family claiming their tax credits or husband and wife lawfully using their tax allowance or me when I travelled for work yesterday setting the expense or what I pay subcontractors against my earnings. There is a massive difference between tax avoidance and evasion. However there is a political agenda on all sides at the moment to choose to blur the lines probably because it deflects attention away from the recession and politicians' mistakes.

spacegoat · 17/05/2013 11:06

Xposted.

Happygirl you are right those people are on shaky ground, at best.

I have no objection to those who work. I do object to those who take the piss. I say that as a non worker, non tax payer. But I don't believe I am one of those people, and wanted to defend that.

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 11:08

You forgot to add politician's outrageous expenses entitlements and not paying back the profits from the sales of their tax payer funded second homes Zenia

ihategeorgeosborne · 17/05/2013 11:10

Sorry, should say Xenia

olgaga · 17/05/2013 11:11

Well said Xenia.

HappyGirlNow · 17/05/2013 11:14

Ihategeorge as I said, no one is saying that you personally are a drain on the tax system. But some are.

Our benefits system should be there to help people in times of need for limited periods not used to fund a long terms and voluntary life choice !

FWIW according to that link my fiancee and I pay almost £28,000 more in taxes than we claim.. And I do get annoyed sometimes at where it's going.

Also, nobody can say 'oh my husband pays £x in tax so we're entitled to claim that back in benefits' - that's not how it works! Hospitals, schools, public services all need paid for from taxes too..

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