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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
wordfactory · 16/05/2013 13:01

So morethan you're faaaaarrrr too interesting to have a job. Above all that. But not above wanting to get your hands on tax credits...provided by all those boring folk!!!!!

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:03

Blueskies.

I am quite old and have saved all tax credits over 20 years. Many years ago I had a business and was used to finance and budgeting and really thought about it after ds1 came along.
We have also had a few grotty properties (only one at a time) in our time. Always went for lowest mortgage option, lived in the house whilst doing it up and making a good profit when moving.
Never had childcare costs, dh has only ever earned the min wage too.
Paid mortgage off, saved for another house we intend to buy soon for cash. I am really not kidding and think most people could do it if they wanted to. My dh has a business already and I am going in as director and company secretary. I will also be PA etc and have lots of variety in terms of hours, place of work, responsibilities etc. He is in the music industry

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:09

Alvin, I wasn't offended at all and really meant I was glad that I sounded unemployable on the terms that many people have. I know a lot of people have to do the job they do and some choose to do it and of course there are a variety of terms people can have in their working environment. As long as they are happy thats all that matters. I have never really been into conventional living and that was what attracted me to my dh, we are like peas in a pod Grin
We do whats best for our families in the end and imo the best thing we can teach our children is to work in an environment where they are happy.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 13:09

Well thought out,I have a friend doing exactly that with a partner in the music businessShock.

You haven't got blonde hair and 1 dc?

Sadly would take too long for me.I don't know where to start looking tbh.When you can no longer work in your field it is bewildering.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:14

Faster.

If thats how you want to see it, but don't think either of us pay tax as earn under the threshold. The business doesn't pay tax unless of course we take extra money out in the form of a dividend.
I see it as getting paid for the help I give to the business anyway. I am quite happy for any official to inspect our business and working arrangements they will find them in good order and everything legal.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 16/05/2013 13:15

No worries morethan
Can I ask a genuine nosyquestion?
How does a business that only pays one person minimum wage afford to pay two ? Im no Alan SugarGrin but it doesnt sound viable to me ?

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 13:16

Oh come on morethan the tax man aint gonna fall for that Grin Grin

AlvinHallsGroupie · 16/05/2013 13:17

Ah I get it !

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:21

Blueskies.

The best advice I could give you would maybe seek employment in your original type of work, perhaps be happy at a lower level and seek out those happy to pay for training.
An example, the nurse at my gp has just had her fees paid to train in sexual diseases (or something similar) as nobody in practice inc the gps have up to date knowledge or specialism in this area.
Also try your FE college its amazing what you can do there these days, and depending on the level and subject you can get them free.
Short term management courses are good too. I did an the Executive Management Diploma with the CMI whilst at home, 2 hours a week at night Grin

No am definitely very dark almost black hair, long very very very extremely curly hair (bounces up 4 inches when pulled straight).

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 13:24

morethan are you suggesting that most people could buy a house on minimum wage and tax credits?

blueskies I too am in my 40s. I kept my hand in when ds was tiny by working PT in a dead-end (but fun) occupation and a bit of study in the evenings plus the old voluntary work chestnut. When ds started school I took an entry level post in my current profession. I'm lucky I got in when I did, because the recession hit and I wouldn't have been able to do so later.

I hate the whole "precious moments" bollocks but I will admit that back when I was doing duller work, I was green with envy watching the other parents hang around after school drop off before dispersing to yoga classes and each other's houses for coffee. My house was a tip and I was always in a rush.

However years on and I have a very fulfilling job with lots of flexibility. I am home within an hour of secondary-school age ds and I'm not panicing about "what next". I'm glad I missed out on being a SAHM when my son was younger because it has meant (in my case) that I am able to be around now when I really think he needs me.

You and I and our children have all benefitted from the decisions we made, but in different ways.

I don't actually think either of us has got it 100% right tbh, but then who has?

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:25

Alvin.

The business has its annual turnover/ profit
Dh currently takes a wage from it and leaves the rest in the business. I too will take a wage leaving the rest in the business.
The money left in business only becomes taxable at a certain level and if taken out for personal use such as holiday etc. Then it becomes taxable income.

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 13:28

Oh and did I read that right morethan - you saved your TCs for 20 years? I refuse to believe that a family can pay a mortgage, eat and generally live on minimum wage alone.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 13:28

morethan - so the business declares a profit and pays tax on it (corporation tax). right?

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 13:30

which would be around 20% of the profit....

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:31

Jenai.

Well, yes I suppose I am in a way. Obviously it depends on how they decide to manage their finances, or the choices they make during the time they are working towards the end result. But obviously it is possible as we haven't had any other variable into this. Obviously we kept on top of what was happening regarding interest rates etc as we were paying our own mortgage. I don't think luck really comes into it but am willing to have it pointed out to me. An example would be say if we had chosen to move at a time that was not profitable, or buying and then being in negative equity. To me this would be bad management, not bad luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 13:33

Faster, yes I believe corporation tax, the form goes here is filed and goes to our chartered accountant.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 16/05/2013 13:35

Blueskies
I think it depends on what you did prior ?
The example of the Practice Nurse that morethan gave would actually not still be on the register(NMC) after several years out - you are required to do a minimum to maintain your registration and do a return to practice course ( pulled around here sadly) if you have been out of practice for a few years .

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 13:45

morethan are you xenia's alter ego?

Even twenty years ago there is no way that anyone could buy a house on minimu wage. Not unless they'd had a heft windfall perhaps, in which case then yes luck (or happenstance - obviously not all wwindfalls come as a result of good fortune) has come into it big time.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 13:49

morethan - so after 20% corp tax, your DH will take a dividend and pays 10% tax on dividends.

so 30%. but if he increased his salary from min way to a little more, he would pay less than 30% tax on the extra. in fact he could earn up to 34k and pay only 20% on part of his salary.

not for the first time, more than, what you write, does not add up.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 13:49

unless you put holidays down as a business expense.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 13:55

opps that 34k is wrong - its excluding your tax allowance. so its even cheaper to pay a salary.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 14:07

Jenai.

I did have a small inheritance but put this in trust for our 3 dc and I haven't touched a penny.

Faster.
If you read, concerning the holiday I said if we took the money out of the business for say a holiday it would be considered as a taxable income. I didn't say I had taken a holiday from the business.
I am not an accountant and only know the basics I have been told. I don't know how much if any corporation tax is paid as there isn't a huge profit after dhs wage has come out.
If what I say doesn't add up and you are an experienced chartered accountant perhaps you could tell me where I or our accountant has it wrong.
I haven't said that dh takes a dividend, I said IF he took money out of the business meaning on top of wages it would be considered as taxable income.

Jenai Grin at Xenia altered ego. I have been called a tory conundrum before Smile

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 14:13

I don't know how much if any corporation tax is paid as there isn't a huge profit after dhs wage has come out.

then how do you propose to pay yourself a wage? I really don't think splitting a NMW between two is going to help.

you write a lot about your finances and it is incomprehensible.

rainbowbrite1980 · 16/05/2013 14:58

I found it harder to go to work once my oldest started school - I'd gone back to work before that, but became a sahm at that point.

I'd been happy for him to go to nursery 3 days a week as he enjoyed it and got a lot out of it, as did his sister. But starting school meant he would have had to go to breakfast and after school club, plus holiday club, couldn't have had a friend home for tea etc etc - I felt it was too long a day for him - he was exhausted after a normal length school day and needed to unwind at home.

Plus, he didn't get the time with me on my days off as he was at school, so he needed that time with me after school all the more.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/05/2013 17:57

Tax credits are a benefit, they pay out far more than the person pays in tax usually. Choosing to not work is a luxury and if you cant survive without benefits then of course the government should make people seek work. Many on here are already thinking of ways to still qualify for UC without changing their lifestyle Hmm

The government is not taking away peoples choice to not work, they are simply saying that other tax payers wont be paying for that luxury. Seems fair enough, schools and hospitals etc deserve the money more than sonebody who wishes not to work.