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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or am I to strict? How would you have reacted?

152 replies

OHforDUCKScake · 12/05/2013 19:35

My 6 year old son was playing with his friend who is 10 outside. He's a nice boy and they've always got on well.
I was in the kitchen and I heard this absolute wail come from outside that was my son. I ran out and he was clutching his eye and sobbing uncontrollably.
His friend was saying sorry to him and comforting him, and told he'd shot him in the eye with his Nerf gun.
DC couldnt open his eye so I didnt respond, and just ushered DS inside.
A cold compress later he could open it, but it was swollen.

We asked what happened when he'd calmed down, he said his friend shot him in the eye with a nerf gun. His dad asked how fat away he was stood and he said "where mum is now", at which point I had a cold compress against his eye so there was about half a foots width between our bodies.

A bit annoyed, I knocked on his door to as, what happened . He answered and I said just wanted to hear what happened (i.e was it deliberate) and he explained. He said "We swapped guns and I shot him in the eye."

Basically it pans out, it was deliberate but he didnt mean to hurt my son.

Then his mums comes to his side, I told her. She said "Oh dear. Did you say sorry?"

He said yes (he had).

That was it.

I left having to make a point of keeping my chin off the floor. His mum is a nice person from what I know of her but clearly we parent differently.

If that was my son especially if he was 10, who had shot a younger child, or any person in the eye, Id have been livid.

I was pissed off but now Im confused. Ive recently been doubting my parenting approaches with my son, Im having a bit of a wobble. And this has made me wonder if my reaction would have been too harsh.

So I put it to the jury, how would you have reacted if your child had done that?

OP posts:
greenformica · 12/05/2013 20:32

I probably wouldn't let my son play with the kid for a few months. Find some nicer play dates instead.

thecatfromjapan · 12/05/2013 20:33

Sorry, I didn't mean to be horrible. You demonstrate a strong stance on this thread, which (on reflection) couldn't possibly represent the whole of you. I was interested because I recently made a decision to try and be a bit more assertive myself.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 12/05/2013 20:34

Chipping Grin yes! I've had to ditch my older DD now we have the little one!

But seriously....WHY is a ten year old hanging out with a 6 year old NON sibling? Siblings are not the same as seeking out a younger child.

MammaMedusa · 12/05/2013 20:39

Ten-year-old boys can be pretty dim! I have one. The number of things he and his friends have broken in the garden, for example, has gone up not down lately. e.g. kicking balls through the glasshouse. I think sometimes their brains haven't caught up with their bigger bodies. They can also get really revved up and do things together, they would never do alone.

If you came to my door, I would have assured you that I would deal with it, but I would not have told my son off in front of you.

MuddlingMackem · 12/05/2013 20:40

Honestly, I'd go ballistic with both kids. You can get special safety glasses for nerf, and if they were shooting at each other with loaded guns then they both should have been wearing them. So both you and the other mother WBVU not to ensure they were wearing the glasses when they went out to play.

However, if my 9 year old did something so stupid as shoot someone in the eye with a nerf dart I'd be seriously annoyed with him because I expect him to know better, even if the other child is wearing the safety glasses. Hmm

WorrySighWorrySigh · 12/05/2013 21:00

Two boys, two guns and someone gets hurt. Who would have thought it?

BTW on Amazon it says quite clearly:

Warning: To be used under the direct supervision of an adult

Where exactly were you when this happened OP? In the kitchen. So not actually supervising which considering your DS was the younger I would have thought was at least equally your job as the other mother's.

LynetteScavo · 12/05/2013 21:12

He meant to pull the trigger, he didn't mean to hurt your DS's eye...pretty obvious from his response when your DS was hurt.

10 yo boys don't always think things though very well...

If I were the other mother I would have asked if my DS had apologised, I would also apologise profusely.

I would have a quite word with my DS after you left. If I was livid every time my 10yo did something without thinking it through I would spend my entire life being Angry.

crashdoll · 12/05/2013 21:18

Perhaps the boy got punished when you left and the mum didn't want an audience?

roseannebarr · 12/05/2013 22:19

If ive got this correct,your son was accidentally hit in the eye with a bullet by a friend.
You then did not acknowledge the boy when he tried to explain what happened.

If this was a one off and the 10yo usually plays nice then an apology was all that was needed, it was an accident after all.

Cherriesarelovely · 12/05/2013 22:26

If she literally said just that OP I would have been pretty surprised and unhappy. I mean that is pretty much shrugging it off as if he had just called the other one an unkind name without talking about the potential for serious injury etc. I know she might have talked to him more in private but I would have apologised to the other parent profusely too and would have made it clear that I understood how dangerous it might have been. No, imo you are not too strict.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/05/2013 22:29

I would have apologised profusely, spoken to my son away from you, and then asked him to write a letter to your son, saying sorry. I would warn him that if he did anything silly with the gun again, it would be taken away for a period of my choosing

As someone said earlier - his honesty and care should be rewarded

Fleecyslippers · 12/05/2013 22:35

You let your kids play with this type of toy gun, someone is going to get hurt 'shrugs'.

The 10 year old sounds like a nice kid.

lborolass · 12/05/2013 22:37

I wonder if you're crediting 10 year old boys with more common sense than they actually have. I can't honestly say that at 10 my son would know how painful having a nerf bullet in the eye would be if it hadn't happened to him.

Unless you have any other reason to think the boy deliberately hurting your son I wouldn't jump to conclusions about his parenting.

Pigsmummy · 12/05/2013 22:46

What is a "nerf" gun?

lborolass · 12/05/2013 22:47

A nerf gun is a big plastic gun that fires foam bullets, there are lots of different ones and some can fire the bullet quite hard, they have a rubbery end that would definitely hurt you if it went in your eye.

redwallday · 13/05/2013 03:11

When I was ten I remember getting my 3 year old cousin to look into the end of a hosepipe and then turning it on! Confused Needless to say he screamed a lot and it really hurt. I honestly didn't do it out of malice, never really gave any thought to it hurting and just thought it would be a funny prank to play. My Aunty absolutely roasted me and I ran home crying. If anything it just made me feel wary of my Aunty from then on.

He's 10, he didnt mean it and there's no long term damage done. Accept his apology and move on.

Iteotwawki · 13/05/2013 03:59

My 7 year old has some Nerf guns. He had some friends over, they were played with, someone was shot in the eye.

It wasn't deliberate (person moved as shot was fired) so I didn't go ballistic. The hurt child was comforted and I checked his eye for obvious damage, he was fine.

The shooter (my son) was given 5 mins time out to think about things. I put surgical tape (carefully!) over both eyes and asked him how he felt. Then I asked him to walk to the toilet. Then we talked about how accidents can have serious consequences. Then I took the tape off, he apologised and they both went off to play with Lego.

I felt partially culpable as these children were in my care and not being adequately supervised for that sort of game - so the guns were taken out of the playroom for the duration. Both boys have been much more thoughtful and careful when using them since!

lisianthus · 13/05/2013 05:21

I come at this from a slightly different viewpoint from some of you. He didn't "accidentally" shoot the younger child in the eye at point blank range; he did that deliberately, (although he apparently wasn't aware that it would hurt the younger child). If the older child had been mine, I would take that as evidence that he wasn't sensible enough to have a nerf gun and I would be taking it off him, either permanently, or until I was absolutely sure he would not under any circumstances be doing it again.

The younger child could have lost an eye.

Not a punishment but to prevent the child doing something else silly that might have irreversible consequences.

Morloth · 13/05/2013 05:42

It is kids being kids - they do stupid shit sometimes. Projectiles are dangerous. Duh.

I would have done what the mum did here and depending on circumstances I may also have given my son further punishment.

But quite frankly that is none of your business.

Your child got hurt, the kid who hurt him apologised and comforted him - that is all you can expect from them.

The moral of the story is kids do stupid stuff, this is because they are kids and don't think through their actions.

Maryz · 13/05/2013 05:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/05/2013 06:25

lbrolass actually, I think you're exactly right. I think perhaps I was crediting a 10 year old boy with more common sense than he had.

Im beginning to realise Im actually to expectant of my own son too, which is why I mentioned my parenting wobble in my OP.

Still, Im willing to learn, he's my first born.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 13/05/2013 06:38

I'd have probably been disappointed that my DS wasn't more careful. I have a 10 yo and I'd expect him to be more careful. I'd have lectured him after you left.

But if your DS's friend was honest and remorseful, I don't think you can ask for much more than that.

Tee2072 · 13/05/2013 07:33

"Honestly, if it was me. id have told the mum that I would be having words with my son. then closed the door and had said words. id have explained how dangerous it was to aim any toy at someones (sic) eye, and wouldnt (sic) have let him out for the rest of the day."

How do you know this didn't happen after she shut the door? Perhaps she just didn't think it was necessary to say the first part, about having words, because, frankly, how she handles it is none of your business.

For what it's worth, I would have done exactly that, but only apologized to your face. There was no need to tell you more than that and humiliate the child, who I am sure felt bad enough.

KansasCityOctopus · 13/05/2013 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/05/2013 08:01

(sic) seriously? Could you be any more patronising and demeaning?

OP posts: