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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to realize marriage isnt like a fairy tale?

57 replies

littlediamond33 · 11/05/2013 10:23

Iam 34 years old and have been brought up to believe that your husband should be a knight in shining armour, protecting you,looking after you etc etc. (my parents were happily married and had 'traditional' roles within that marriage for 40 years until my father passed away) while iam an 'independant' lady (i have my own career,bank account ,friends, interests etc!!) i feel that my husband who, i have to say is lovely and hard working just 'lets me get on with things' without being a 'strong alpha male' and backing me up.I am sorry this makes me sound like an imature nutter, but only got married last september and it isnt how i imagined!

OP posts:

DawnOfTheDee · 11/05/2013 10:25

If you're an independent woman how much backing up do you need? Are there specific examples where you feel your DH hasn't supported you adequately?

Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 10:26

I am not sure what to say to this. You sound like you wish your husband was a cartoon character (perhaps the Prince in Cinderella?) rather than a real person. Can you give some more examples of when he let's you get on with it and what you'd rather he do?

You are right though, marriage is no fairytale, it can be quite hard work or at least require tolerance over the years.

Tee2072 · 11/05/2013 10:26

Seriously? You thought it would be?

Did you also think you would live in a castle and wear pretty dresses all day?

Wait until you have children...

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/05/2013 10:27

Did you think things would be different once you'd got married? It doesn't magically change.

squeakytoy · 11/05/2013 10:27

eh? what did you imagine then?

the minute he put that ring on your finger you would suddenly transform from an independent adult into a simpering woman who was incapable of making a decision and who needs protecting from the world???

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 11/05/2013 10:28

YABU to have ever believed the 'fairytales'

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 11/05/2013 10:28

How long did you know dh before you married? Did you think a ring on his finger would change his personality?

I mean, seriously?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/05/2013 10:29

YABU if you've only just realised. Your parents may have been acting out some 1950's 'Stepford Wives' tribute but don't you have friends your own age that are married? Don't you read magazines? Good relationships are all about equality these days, not forced dependence.

GoblinGranny · 11/05/2013 10:29

OLKN, yet again, spot on!

GoblinGranny · 11/05/2013 10:31

I have younger friends that are in a traditional marriage, and they are both very happy. The trick is to find a partner that really suits you.
Do you think that's what you've done?

UnderwaterBasketWeaving · 11/05/2013 10:31

I'd be mightily offended if DH suddenly thought I needed "defending"

In fact, I'm very offended if anyone thinks I need defending, or protecting.

Do people really think like that?!

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/05/2013 10:31

But, by your own admission, if your DH was expecting a traditional wife you'd be a let down to him to.

Original poster

littlediamond33 · 11/05/2013 10:32

i know i sound very silly and childish, iam having a 'down' day, sorry.We were together 3 years before we got married.Husband was always very attentive before we got married and now that has gone out the window. p.s, A Prince would be nice and i wouldnt mind a castle too! Lol.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 11/05/2013 10:32

ops previous thread

EllaFitzgerald · 11/05/2013 10:33

I think OldLady has hit the nail on the head. How long were you together before you got married?

EllaFitzgerald · 11/05/2013 10:37

Ahh, I see now.

Is it that you really want him to be an alpha male, or is it that you want the same kind of relationship your mum and dad had, where each supported the other?

HanShotFirst · 11/05/2013 10:42

I think Dina Goldstein says it all really.

I think you need to realise that real life is not a fairy tale, but if you really, really want your husband to become more like a 'fairy tale prince' then tell him, but I'd be prepared for him to be a bit bemused, especially as this doesn't seem to be the role that you had before you got married and slipping a ring on someone's finger doesn't change the whole dynamic.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 11/05/2013 10:43

Right, I see, so you're at the end of the "honeymoon period", the sheen has worn off and Real Life sets in. And, from a brief glance at the previous thread, dh is at best a bit of an arse.

So, what do you want to do? I actually found dh and I argued more in the first year or so of marriage than at any other time, including after dc. I think there was an element of "testing" on my part at least, a sort of "Shit, we're married, this is for life, wtf have I done? Does he really love me?" And of course adjusting to our individual daily routines and habits. Is this a period of adjustment, or an awakening?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/05/2013 10:43

What you're describing is someone that is taking you for granted. That's a risk of any long-term relationship, married or otherwise, and the answer is to talk, communicate and express that lack of appreciation and attention makes you feel down.

RatRatRat · 11/05/2013 10:44

My husband is very protective but I think that's more because I'm a very laid back, quiet kind of person which often gets construed as being passive so he feels the need to stand up for me and stop others taking advantage (which he really doesn't need to, if it's something I care about I will speak up for myself).

For example, if I was in a difficult social situation and someone was being rude to me, I would usually shrug and walk away as I wouldn't care enough to get into an argument whereas if my husband was there would challenge the person straight away. It doesn't bother me, we're just very different people.

HanShotFirst · 11/05/2013 10:46

Ah, x post with squeaky. Well you know life isn't a fairytales already then and it sounds like your DH is definitely not your knight in shining armour!

I think you need to speak to him, based on your previous thread, there's obviously a bit of problem in you two seeing your roles very differently. Hope you sort it out diamond

Original poster

littlediamond33 · 11/05/2013 10:48

oldladyknowsnothing-your message makes alot of sense, thank you.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 10:55

I think the first year of marriage can also be quite hard, especially if you waited a long time to settle down and have been used to being independent- it's all about defining your roles and perhaps lowering your fairytale expectations (he's not a prince) but also setting boundaries around behaviour (not sharing money or being generous is horrible re your other thread). It can be quite frightening when the honeymoon period wears off and you wonder 'is this is then?' But- now you can start building up your real relationship, with who you really are when you are not all loved up and delusional

Kafri · 11/05/2013 10:55

Fairytales are just that, fairytales!

You want to be independent but want protecting...?

In all honesty, what did you expect to change.

I lived with DH for 3 years before we got wed, so by the time we got married there was nothing miraculous about to happen. I knew his good points, I knew his not so good points (and vice versa). It wasn't like I thought oh, once the ink is dry DH will suddenly become prince charming and protect my honour or something. I just kind of thought things would continue in the same way they and before but he'd be my husband rather than my boyfriend/fiance or whatever he was before.

If DH wasn't what you were after before you got married, then you shouldn't have got married. You should have waited it out for your Prince Charming though you would probably have found you were waiting a long while unless you take a trip to Disneyland

Original poster

littlediamond33 · 11/05/2013 10:56

my parents were not 'acting out' some 1950s stepford marriage, they were married in the 1950s! (they had me and my sis v late in life.)

OP posts:

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