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AIBU?

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Original poster

regarding money spent in work canteen

113 replies

brummiegirl1 · 11/05/2013 09:19

My husband takes out 20 pound a week to have money on his pocket. I do most of the food shopping in the day as in a SAHM at the moment but he always tells me what he wants me to get for him for his food for work which I do get. So his work food is budgeted into the weekly shop.

We got into a disagreement as he spent 10 pound in 2 days and the other 10 pound he had given to me to get some shopping he had taken back as he had no money in his pocket. I know I probably sound like in trying to tell him how to spend money but it's not like that, some months we struggle to get to the end of the month and we haven't had a holiday in 3 years. We also never go out to eat together or any luxury like that and I think if he didn't take so much money out just to spend at work we could maybe go away or something nice. He disagrees, he thinks I'm trying to tell him what to do with money. We have a joint bank account.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 11/05/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

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StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:02

Really feeds into the gold digging entitled women myth

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:03

Quint, what if as a family, they chose for one of them to SAH?
What if they took that decision as a couple, rather than the lazy entitled wifey dictating that she should be provided for
Why is it assumed that the woman desperately wants to SAH and the man begrudgingly allows it (and then works, the poor dear, to provide her with shoes and pretty things)

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/05/2013 15:03

Oh come on. So a person can't sit in the canteen and have a cup of tea?
Because they have to save their money to get a takeaway?

Maybe he doesn't want a takeaway and would quite like to socialise with work colleagues?

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:03

for some reason I have a Wham song going round in my head...

scottishmummy · 11/05/2013 15:04

it's the op who's listed how king they are,no nice things,constant skint
if she wants to be less skint,going on holiday op needs to financially contribute
clearly this won't resolve with a few less latte in canteen

Booyhoo · 11/05/2013 15:05

OP

no-one else is in your family and can say "well you shoud get back to work" or " he's spending too much"

only you two can work out what is fair and sensible for both of you to be spending outside of the essentials.

if £20 is the difference between having electric or not for the last few days of the month then yes he needs to cut that down. if it's just coming out of a fund for holidays or meals out then you both have to decide together whether that's something you want to save for. if he doesn't that's up to him but in that case i would suggest you also start taking out £20 a week for you own personal spends the same way he has.

but you both need to sit down. work out the budget. see what's left over and decide how to split/spend it. and be fair to each other.

QuintessentialOHara · 11/05/2013 15:05

Well Stealth, we dont know, as OP has stopped engaging on her thread.
But who in their right minds will sit down as a family and decide that one of them should not work when there is not enough money in the family pot for him to spend £4 per day on coffee and a snack??

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/05/2013 15:05

If me and my DH had decided that he would be a SAHP and then he started complaining that there was not enough money to live on, no money for holidays, takeaways, meals out and then told me I wasn't allowed any spending money, then we would be re evaluating that decision because it would clearly not be working.

phantomnamechanger · 11/05/2013 15:06

pip I see what you mean but to me that would sting - it would seem like I was second best and only allowed a treat if there were leftovers after he had had what he wanted. why can he not curb his spending for a bit in order to treat her instead? its about how she is feeling undervalued and not appreciated.

Plenty of families where both parents work would find £4 a day on extras to be a significant amount - and yes, over a year it could even pay for a holiday!
It's not his "right as a working man" over and above their other financial commitments. It's a luxury.

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:07

Well maybe they have different priorities. He wants to have a canteen coffee a day, she wants a takeaway. Neither is right, and I can see why not being able to spend that money at work would be annoying. In the same way as I can see budgeting, buying food as requested for his lunches which presumably is then wasted would also be annoying.

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:08

£4 a day (every day) seems a lot to me.

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:09

Exactly Tantrums. we would be evaluating that decision. But from the replies on this thread, the OP is a lazy workshy nag.

scottishmummy · 11/05/2013 15:10

again that summary relies on the man reducing expenditure .all about him
what's the op role?is it simply to advise her dh no more coffee,as they skint
is the op role simply to note how skint they are and tell her dh to reduce his spending?

Booyhoo · 11/05/2013 15:14

£4 a day over a 46 week working year is over £900 a year. that's quite a lot of money to alot of familes. if OP was to do the same (spend £4 a day on herself) then that's a shitload being lost on coffees if the family is struggling.

i think something like that should be a joint decision tbh.

scottishmummy · 11/05/2013 15:15

oh stealth what an embellished licentious summary
given no one said that.hey dont let truth get in way of your colourful summary
I did laugh at best start though.obvious inference workings worst start possible

TheSecondComing · 11/05/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/05/2013 15:16

I think it should be a joint decision stealth

Like you say, maybe the OP wants to work and her DH prefers her to stay at home
Maybe it's the other way around
Maybe the DH doesn't realise how difficult money is and needs it spelt out.

Whatever it is, deciding he can't have any money at all is probably not the answer. But I reckon a lot of people would like to be SAHp but can't afford it. Not if they want to be able to go on holiday or even buy a coffee.
So I would think the OP and her DH need to look at that.

QuintessentialOHara · 11/05/2013 15:19

£900 per year, however, is a very small annual salary, so working might solve the problem.

Joiningthegang · 11/05/2013 15:20

Yabu to treat him like a child and give him "pocket money". If money is this tight maybe you need to look at earning

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/05/2013 15:22

I don't think buying a coffee should be a joint decision tbh.

Buying a new laptop or camera or booking a holiday-yes?

A cup of coffee and a cake? No.

QuintessentialOHara · 11/05/2013 15:23

Being a sahm is a luxury that many people cant afford.
We cant afford for one of us not to work!

If I should be perfectly honest, I would love not working. I would love not having that particular pressure. So to hear a person who has the luxury of staying at home complain that somebody working spend money on coffee, is frankly mind boggling. How very dare he!

She can make herself a cup of coffee, cheaply any time she wants, he does not have that luxury. She can grab an apple or a banana of the fruit bowl any time, or a glass of cold squash/juice, he has to buy all that! Should he simply go without, just so that she can continue staying at home rather than work?

HollyBerryBush · 11/05/2013 15:27

Hmm, DH and I probably take £20 a week each to work. He gets lumbered for lottery syndicates and birthdays - all of which I refuse to contribute to en'mass, I use mine for main meal of the day.

£20 a week is an awful lot of cups of tea. But there is the social aspect of works canteen.

However, if the Op is scratching round looking for pennies to make it through those last few days of the month, then she does need to sit down with DH and streamline the household budget.

I'm afraid I'm with the others who have said she needs to cut her ML and get back out earning. BUT! Having said that, it brings into the equation paid for childcare - which may exacerbate the situation.

But the Op is fixating on the £20pw rather than the bigger problem

Booyhoo · 11/05/2013 15:33

well if OP is on mat leave then i'm guessing she is bringing in a wage through her maternity package. it's not the same as her being a SAHM and not bringing in any wage.

and of course, she hasn't come back yet so we dont know what their actual situation is or how they came to the decisions they have done.

i dont think buying a coffee should be a joint decision. but if it's amounting to £20 a week when they cant afford it, or cant afford for both of them to do it then they both need to take a look at the finances again and make a joint decision about whether daily coffees are actually even possible.

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 15:34

Scottish I have no idea what you mean
I am simply challenging the assumptions that everyone seems happy enough to make on this thread - that the OP is a lazy, entitled nag
Say or don't say what you like to that I really don't care.