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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crude texts on my dp's phone

37 replies

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:31

I am a long time lurker on Mumsnet, but took the plunge and commented on a thread the other day. It felt quite amazing!

Aaanyway, I gather that it's a bit unwise to make a first time post on AIBU, but I would genuinely like to know what others think of this situation:
I am staying with my dp for a couple of days (we are in a long distance relationship) and... I looked at his phone while he was in the shower. I know, I know! That was wrong, though I did it out of idle curiosity and wanting to check what I had said in a previous text which I hadn't saved, rather than suspicion of anything untoward.

I saw the following texts from a friend of his who lives nearby: 'Lucky bastard, heard that Beeyump's here. Are you going to ram her?' 'How does she like it?' and then, simply, 'Fuck!'
Ahem. I just don't quite know what to think. Am I being prudish? AIBU to be rather disgusted? Does my looking at his phone mean I don't get to be pissed off?

OP posts:
SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 10/05/2013 11:33

I dont see the issue. Yes his mate sent weird texts to him about you but you don't state whether your DP said anything.

If your DP hasn't said anything then its a non issue

livinginwonderland · 10/05/2013 11:33

I think it's just guy talk. I know my DP talks about me with his guy mates at work or at the pub, and I'm sure sex talk comes up sometimes too. I just think there are worse things he could be saying and as long he's not discussing specific details, I'm not going to waste my energy getting upset.

Original poster
Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:35

He had deleted his replies, I got the impression that he had engaged in conversation with the guy, mainly from the 'Fuck!' (Gosh)

OP posts:
FreddieMisaGREATshag · 10/05/2013 11:35

You must've had some suspicion to look - I'd never look at someone else's phone even if they left it lying at their backside.

Original poster
Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:35

I think I may be quite naïve Blush

OP posts:
harleyd · 10/05/2013 11:36

'are you going to ram her'

lol! what age are they!

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/05/2013 11:36

eurgh. Is your DP 15?

OhLori · 10/05/2013 11:39

How well do you know him? e.g. What are his friends like? What is he like?! You say you are in a long-distance relationship, but its hard to tell much more about your relationship with each other from your original post.

Numberlock · 10/05/2013 11:39

Did you not check his sent messages?

Agreed that the "Fuck" sounds as though he replied but it could have been "Mind your own fucking business".

How is your boyfriend otherwise, respect-wise?

Original poster
Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:40

Hahaha, yes it's probably more puerile than disgusting I suppose. We are both in our mid twenties.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/05/2013 11:40

Some may call it prudish.
I would say that if you are being discussed in that way then I would call it disrespectful.

Foul.

valiumredhead · 10/05/2013 11:41

What made you look at his phone?

PurpleBlossom · 10/05/2013 11:41

'Are you going to ram her?'

Cringe!

These are messages you were never meant to see, I wouldn't let it bother you. I'm sure you've said things to your friends that DP wouldn't be thrilled about.

MagicHouse · 10/05/2013 11:44

I wouldn't like that. Very immature and disrespectful. Depends what he's like otherwise as to what I'd do about it.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/05/2013 11:45

If he talked about you in a crude way then it seems disrespectful

However if he joked: "she likes it while dressed as a nun" then it may just be puerile, childish, stupid.

Either wouldn't be for me, depends if its for you.

DeepRedBetty · 10/05/2013 11:46

Welcome to being a Proper MNetter, not just a Lurker!

BF sounds like a teenager... without his replies we can't make a full judgment though.

If he's normally well behaved Grin I'd leave it.

Original poster
Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:46

I do know him well, we have been together for a couple of years now but I had health issues, which I won't go into, which meant living together wasn't an option. He is finishing university now.
I like a lot of his friends, but not so keen on this guy.

On looking at the phone, it was just curiosity to see who he had been texting. Being apart from him, I do sometimes feel as though I don't know enough of his day to day life. I feel as though I shouldn't have done it though, guilty twinges!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:48

And he is normally 'well behaved' Grin and rather sweet. I think that's what made it more weird.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 10/05/2013 11:49

This is exactly why I have a PIN number on my phone! Wink

Numberlock · 10/05/2013 11:50

If he's engaged in similar comments, it would be a deal-breaker for me. It indicates to me he's a misogynistic arsehole.

DoctorAnge · 10/05/2013 11:50

Yuk

LifeofPo · 10/05/2013 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetestcup · 10/05/2013 11:52

I think its a bit odd that he has deleted his replies and left his pals to be honest, whats that all about?

rambososcar · 10/05/2013 11:54

If you hadn't been looking at another adult's personal messages you'd be none the wiser. It was crude, not threatening. Put it in the past where it belongs.

MagicHouse · 10/05/2013 11:54

Sounds like his friend is the problem really. Sometimes it's easy for some people to get into a slightly unpleasant conversation initiated by someone else without really being like that yourself (e.g if you're not assertive, or if you don't quite know how to handle it)

Not sure if I'd mention it or not - as looking at someone else's text messages isn't great either!!! But if you did, maybe you could apologise and say you're not proud, but blah blah blah and it's really worried you that you were being discussed in that way, as it doesn't sound like there's much respect for you, and just see what he says. His reaction will say a lot.