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AIBU?

Crude texts on my dp's phone

37 replies

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:31

I am a long time lurker on Mumsnet, but took the plunge and commented on a thread the other day. It felt quite amazing!

Aaanyway, I gather that it's a bit unwise to make a first time post on AIBU, but I would genuinely like to know what others think of this situation:
I am staying with my dp for a couple of days (we are in a long distance relationship) and... I looked at his phone while he was in the shower. I know, I know! That was wrong, though I did it out of idle curiosity and wanting to check what I had said in a previous text which I hadn't saved, rather than suspicion of anything untoward.

I saw the following texts from a friend of his who lives nearby: 'Lucky bastard, heard that Beeyump's here. Are you going to ram her?' 'How does she like it?' and then, simply, 'Fuck!'
Ahem. I just don't quite know what to think. Am I being prudish? AIBU to be rather disgusted? Does my looking at his phone mean I don't get to be pissed off?

OP posts:

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digerd · 12/05/2013 10:19

Why would this 'friend' feel he could send your bf this kind of stuff, if he had not previously played along with it?

" Ram her"? Who does he think you are a sheep? Or whatever that remark meant, it is disrespectful and ignorant. Smacks of violent rape-like sex to me.
Just my opinion and I could not just forget it.

MagicHouse · 12/05/2013 09:54

His reaction might be, "Where's your respect for me, reading my fecking messages?!", which would be very valid! I really don't think the OP should raise it unless she wants to risk losing her boyfriend, Magic.

Fair comment - but if this was indicative of how he was in general, or there were other things that bothered me underneath, then yes, I would risk the relationship to find out a bit more about his attitude to me/ women.
Same for him though if you brought it up OP, if he starts to wonder about his invasion of privacy!

I guess only you know if it's one to let go or not - and sounds like you've made up your mind :-)

Beeyump · 11/05/2013 12:15

Thanks for the replies everyone, I rather enjoyed my first foray into AIBU! I think the wisest thing would be for me to just let this go, because I was in the wrong to look at my boyfriend's texts. Btw, I like your way of thinking, maddening! Hee.
The friend is a numpty, but I knew that anyway, and thanks to Mumsnet I can now laugh at 'ram her' as well as feel sick.

OP posts:

maddening · 10/05/2013 22:48

And that caused the "fuck!" response

maddening · 10/05/2013 22:47

Maybe he replied that he is going to ask you to marry him so not to be so crude about his beloved :)

ephemeralfairy · 10/05/2013 15:34

It is disrespectful and shows a pretty nasty attitude towards women. However I think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place tbh, if you confront your boyf he could well be annoyed that you have invaded his privacy and upset at the inference that you don't trust him....
You would be better off leaving well alone, I reckon.

andubelievedthat · 10/05/2013 13:08

Ram her? demolition derby,anyone ? thou I am laughing at the guy who sent it ,must be a right ladies man !

rambososcar · 10/05/2013 12:14

"maybe you could apologise and say you're not proud, but blah blah blah and it's really worried you that you were being discussed in that way, as it doesn't sound like there's much respect for you, and just see what he says. His reaction will say a lot."

His reaction might be, "Where's your respect for me, reading my fecking messages?!", which would be very valid! I really don't think the OP should raise it unless she wants to risk losing her boyfriend, Magic.

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 12:12

Hmm. Most of his friend's are pretty nice, just this one I find quite annoying. No, scrap that. I really don't like him.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 10/05/2013 12:09

Sounds like his friend is the problem really

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.

LifeofPo · 10/05/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 12:02

LifeofPo that's true! I don't want to be stalker girl, and I do rather enjoy the 'ramming' (SHUDDER). I don't think it's a dumpable offence anyway.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 10/05/2013 11:54

Sounds like his friend is the problem really. Sometimes it's easy for some people to get into a slightly unpleasant conversation initiated by someone else without really being like that yourself (e.g if you're not assertive, or if you don't quite know how to handle it)

Not sure if I'd mention it or not - as looking at someone else's text messages isn't great either!!! But if you did, maybe you could apologise and say you're not proud, but blah blah blah and it's really worried you that you were being discussed in that way, as it doesn't sound like there's much respect for you, and just see what he says. His reaction will say a lot.

rambososcar · 10/05/2013 11:54

If you hadn't been looking at another adult's personal messages you'd be none the wiser. It was crude, not threatening. Put it in the past where it belongs.

sweetestcup · 10/05/2013 11:52

I think its a bit odd that he has deleted his replies and left his pals to be honest, whats that all about?

LifeofPo · 10/05/2013 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoctorAnge · 10/05/2013 11:50

Yuk

Numberlock · 10/05/2013 11:50

If he's engaged in similar comments, it would be a deal-breaker for me. It indicates to me he's a misogynistic arsehole.

valiumredhead · 10/05/2013 11:49

This is exactly why I have a PIN number on my phone!

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:48

And he is normally 'well behaved' and rather sweet. I think that's what made it more weird.

OP posts:

Beeyump · 10/05/2013 11:46

I do know him well, we have been together for a couple of years now but I had health issues, which I won't go into, which meant living together wasn't an option. He is finishing university now.
I like a lot of his friends, but not so keen on this guy.

On looking at the phone, it was just curiosity to see who he had been texting. Being apart from him, I do sometimes feel as though I don't know enough of his day to day life. I feel as though I shouldn't have done it though, guilty twinges!

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 10/05/2013 11:46

Welcome to being a Proper MNetter, not just a Lurker!

BF sounds like a teenager... without his replies we can't make a full judgment though.

If he's normally well behaved I'd leave it.

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LaurieFairyCake · 10/05/2013 11:45

If he talked about you in a crude way then it seems disrespectful

However if he joked: "she likes it while dressed as a nun" then it may just be puerile, childish, stupid.

Either wouldn't be for me, depends if its for you.

MagicHouse · 10/05/2013 11:44

I wouldn't like that. Very immature and disrespectful. Depends what he's like otherwise as to what I'd do about it.

PurpleBlossom · 10/05/2013 11:41

'Are you going to ram her?'

Cringe!

These are messages you were never meant to see, I wouldn't let it bother you. I'm sure you've said things to your friends that DP wouldn't be thrilled about.

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