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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset about this?

41 replies

Manyofhorror3 · 09/05/2013 09:57

DH commutes and works long hours but can occasionally work from a satellite office a few hundred yards away. When he's effectively 'working from home' it means he can get up later and come home earlier. We have 3 preschool children and I really need a hand sometimes. Also if he's not in the Cityhe can do the nursery run which is really helpful as then I don't have to drag the other two children with me.
We haven't been getting on lately - he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents) but I thought it would blow over.

Anyway I usually ring him in the morning but there was no reply in his direct line. I said last night that I'd tried to speak to him and he just said he had lots of meetings. And when he comes in, he normally says hi and then goes and takes his suit off. Last night he came in but shot straight upstairs without my seeing him and then came down in his jeans.

My mum mentioned this morning that she had seen his car parked outside his satellite office, so I asked him whether he had gone into work and he had admitted he hadn't. Angry I said that there might be troubles in our marriage but deceit hasn't been one of them and he said he was sorry but it was because he felt badly treated.

We're going to have a talk later but I'm really upset and angry that he lied!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 09/05/2013 10:00

He maybe has problems that he doesn't want to lumber you with having 3 little children is stressful and perhaps he is feeling pushed out but instead of supporting you he is winging and hiding it away building up resentment , talk to him about how you need support as well as him you are a family and ATM the children need you more, good luck with you talk later, try and not be angry about it dont stew about it today as it will turn into a huge arguement later on

CrapBag · 09/05/2013 10:00

His needs, FFS he is a grown man who can take responsibility for himself. Why are his needs your responsibility? And feeling badly treated? How is he treating you? You don't seem to be getting much from him at all in the way of help.

YANBU, he is being an arse and acting like a bloody child, wanting his wife to run around and look after his needs. Idiot!

CrapBag · 09/05/2013 10:01

Why would his car have been parked there if he wasn't there? Where was he when his car was there? Seems slightly odd

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 10:02

I think when you have this talk, it should be calmly and with both of you giving the other time to speak and really listen to what the other is saying, not dismiss it and not jump in to counter it.

Perhaps before you actually exchange feelings, you should set out the rules of the conversation. Otherwise, I can see it turning into a massive row and accusations thrown about and a contest about who's got it worse!

Whereas if you can both stay calm and listen to each other, you might be able to really sort this out.

Hope it goes well.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 09/05/2013 10:02

I can see why you are upset, but try to use this as a platform to move forward.

Your husband clearly doesn't see this as a small issue that will blow over: how long has he been saying he feels like his needs come last?

He shouldn't have lied, and it's good that he apologised. It's difficult to say any more than that, really: clearly he could have helped with your children and done the nursery run, but if he was actually working (regardless of the fact that he normally helps) it seems bizarre to be angry. I think the bigger issue is that whether he could help or not, he didn't tell you where he could be.

He must be very unhappy to have felt that, so I hope your talk can sort things out.

Is there anything you can do to make him feel like he doesn't come last? To have more time together and fix things? Outside help with your parents, or childcare for the children at some point, or a date night?

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 09/05/2013 10:03

Yabu to expect him to do childcare when he is working. Even if he is working from home, it's still working.

Hwbu to lie to you.

Original poster
Manyofhorror3 · 09/05/2013 10:03

He's admitted he didn't go into London, he just used the satellite office which means he could have gone in later and come home earlier if he'd wanted, and helped me, but instead he just fucked off for some peace I think.

OP posts:
TwinkleTits · 09/05/2013 10:05

In what way did he feel 'badly treated'?

megandraper · 09/05/2013 10:06

I think he's selfish and being a child. We have 3 DCs, eldest started school this year. DH does equal share of child stuff all the time that he is at home. Of course it's hard work, for both of us, but pulling together makes it better.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2013 10:07

Well said CrapBag
Couldn't have put it better myself!

Original poster
Manyofhorror3 · 09/05/2013 10:08

We've got into a cycle of a pissing contest about who has the harder time of it. It's very hard to get out if that because I think he's bloody clueless about how stressful it is. I gave up my career and although I love my children to death, I feel like I'm not allowed to say that some days it can be stunningly mundane, because this is what I said I wanted. Sad
The children are too young and too close together for me to contemplate going back to work, even if I could find something that fitted around pickups etc and the child are would be very expensive so I'm a SAHM and he's the cityboy.
We need a really good talk.Sad

OP posts:
mrsjay · 09/05/2013 10:10

I think it is easy to get into that pissing contest (sorry that made me [smile) hes working how can he possibley be stressed , he thinks least she can be home all day blah blah and on it goes .

Original poster
Manyofhorror3 · 09/05/2013 10:11

He says he needs to be more appreciated as he works for his money whereas I don't. (I had a big accident a few years ago which has meant that I have an income from the money I got - I invested it.)

OP posts:
sparechange · 09/05/2013 10:13

OP, did he actually lie to you, or did he just not tell you that he was intending to work from the satellite office and do his normal 'city office' daily routine?

Does he do his share of childcare and housework at weekends or in the evenings?

mrsjay · 09/05/2013 10:13

he is being an arse who else does he think is going to look after HIS children ooo I am joining in the contest, tell him he is more than welcome to swap and you could get a job, he sounds like he is being arsey, nobody forced him to impregnate you with 3 under school age children Wink

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 10:13

WHOA! He has to be more appreciated than you because he earns the money? As in he is more important than you?

or he wants the fact that he brings in the money to be more appreciated than it is at the moment because he doesn't feel he's appreciated at all but not saying that his contribution to the family is of more value than yours?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 10:14

I just want clarification before I go nuclear Wink

megandraper · 09/05/2013 10:16

^He says he needs to be more appreciated as he works for his money whereas I don't. (I had a big accident a few years ago which has meant that I have an income from the money I got - I invested it.)^

I see that as a big red flag, OP, sorry. That is a pathetic, mean-minded thing to say. What's this 'his money' anyway? You're a family aren't you?

Machli · 09/05/2013 10:16

Sorry but I think he sounds like a big demanding, entitled baby.

And that comment about working for his money, what a twat! Angry

As another poster said, he's a grown man who can take responsibility for himself.

Anyone who looks at his wife struggling with HIS three small children and responsibilities to her elderly parents and whines about HIS needs is a selfish, entitled arsehole.

schobe · 09/05/2013 10:18

Oh god, this sounds like it has all the hallmarks of a man child about to have a tantrum.

Yes being at home with the kids is what you wanted but that doesn't make it easy. I'm sure he wanted a great career in the city, but it's still stressful and hard work. You are supposed to be a team with long term goals, which included having a family.

I don't think you're asking him to do childcare - just watch the kids while you pop to nursery or pop to nursery himself BEFORE he leaves for work. You both need to get up, shower and get ready, there's no difference there.

As for the money you got as compensation - what has that got to do with how hard you work? That's extra family money that surely he should be happy about having. Not to mention a tiny acknowledgement of what you went through in the accident.

schobe · 09/05/2013 10:21

Lol at hecsy. Yes, I feel it brewing!

megandraper · 09/05/2013 10:26

I am sure my DH would love to have more attention and 'appreciation', so would I, but neither of us would dream of tantrumming about it, or even asking for it, because we both know that there is absolutely no spare capacity for it at the moment!

We do talk wistfully about a future in which we will laze about in bed until 7am, or manage to have a family meal that's not interrupted by someone defecating, or even just say a few words to each other in the morning or when DH comes in from work that aren't bellowed over a load of wails and shouts.

Do you and your DH have any nice times together? Ours is the hour or two after the DCs are in bed - all we do is watch TV or read, really, but it's peaceful and we can chat a bit and feel connected.

curryeater · 09/05/2013 10:26

"he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents)"

And what about yours, OP? Where do yours come in the list?

He sounds like an almighty twat.

pregnantpause · 09/05/2013 10:31

Yanbu.
He shouldn't be point scoring, he shouldn't value your contribution less because you don't get paid for it you enable him to make the money by looking after the children. If he only values jobs that pay, perhaps he should start paying you what a child minder would cost.
The lie was wrong and selfish. he had the opportunity to be part of the family and muck in but swanned off instead. And he says it's you that doesn't support him? He had the opportunity to support you and didn't want it. I'm sure that if you had the chance to be more supportive you would, but with 3DC and parents, they are priority right now

nokidshere · 09/05/2013 10:36

It doesn't sound to me like he is anything other than unhappy and not dealing with it very well. You can't just brush off his feelings because he is male. And the fact that you say that you know things haven't been good but did nothing about it because it might "blow over" shows that you have got into a rut as far as communication is concerned.

Whilst that is understandable with young children in the home it will escalate into more serious problems if you both don't talk about the way you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be sahm and then finding its not what you expected. There is nothing wrong with him feeling that you don't have a life as a couple anymore. All these feelings are valid and need some serious communication to sort out - with you both actually listening to what the other one is saying.

Only you know if you can change your lives to a more rewarding one that suits you both - but that wont happen unless you set aside some time for each other to talk.