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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel somewhat annoyed about this 'family' meal?

59 replies

PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 14:54

My brother and his wife are visiting for the first time in a while, and mum and dad decided it would be good to have a family meal out.
Mum asked me whether I would be able to get a babysitter to join DB and DS and their other halves and mum and dad. Tuesday was the date decided on.
Couldn't get a babysitter for Tuesday, but could for Wednesday or Monday; Wednesday (today) was decided upon, despite the fact that my DH, who works away, is back at work.
I was told that if my babysitter was to cancel, then it would be more convenient for them to change back to Tuesday and I could just stay at home.
Now, it's been decided that eating after I've put the children to bed (I'll be done by 7.15, and can get there by around 7.45) is not convenient, so they will all arrive, order their food, and order my food as well, and then start eating their starters. When I turn up I can join them, and my starter will be waiting for me. (Dare I say it - cold?)
The original sharing of lift has been cancelled now because they all want to get to the restaurant before me, and I have to put the children to bed.

There are many things going on in my life atm so I think I might be a bit sensitive but I am feeling that this is a bit crappy really.
I have raised this - the fact that DH won't be there so selling it as a 'whole family together' thing is a bit erroneous - but I was told they assumed he wouldn't be around. Nobody asked him: if they had, he would have said he was around on Monday. As was everyone else.
I've also been told that they're bending over backwards to accommodate me - but I see it slightly differently, as all the decisions e.g. to eat earlier when I can't get there - are being made and presented to me as a fait accompli!
I'm now miffed because I feel like I'm going to be there on suffrance, arriving after the fun has started, when everybody is eating.
Am I being oversensitive?
Should I go or not?

OP posts:
orangepudding · 08/05/2013 14:55

Can they come over to you and have a takeaway?

Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2013 14:57

I wouldn't go. What's the huge hurry that they can't wait a while for you to arrive?

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 08/05/2013 14:57

could 1 of the children take sick and then you can't go Wink

sounds like to much trouble for what should be an enjoyable child free evening

Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:00

Thanks - so it's not me? It is a bit of a crappy 'come if you must' kind of offer?
My babysitter is actually a good friend (a very good one, clearly!) and I do wonder whether I could just spend the evening chatting and gossiping with her instead!

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 08/05/2013 15:01

This does sound crappy indeed, and i would be miffed too OP.

I wouldn't go, tbh. I'd leave this meal to them, and get a babysitter next week, go out with just DH for a nice meal together, where you can order your own food and actually be there when it's served up!

Angry for you!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 08/05/2013 15:01

No you are not being oversensitive. Families look out for each other and do things to help each other. It seems that it would have been no big deal to have booked the meal at 8pm on the Monday. How selfish of them.

Phone the restaurant and change the booking to 8pm (on Monday if possible). Then phone your mum and tell her brightly that it is all sorted, and you can liftshare as originally planned. When they complain, act surprised, and ask if they are being so horrible because they don't want you there?

Or decide not to go. And then phone them all at, ooh, about 10 minutes before they're due to leave, to tell them how upset you are at the way they've sidelined you. Or maybe call them during the meal (evil, moi?).

WoTmania · 08/05/2013 15:01

Have the friend round with take-away and bottle of wine.

exoticfruits · 08/05/2013 15:01

I would just tell them the truth-it is too much hassle-you can do it in a friendly way. Suggest that either they pick up a takeaway and bring it around to you or they just go on their own, on the evening of their choosing, and you will have the family meal another time.

WoTmania · 08/05/2013 15:02

or what Bertha said - that's a far better idea :D

Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:02

BTW orangepudding I suggested that - after all, we're going for a Chinese (!), so I thought the takeaway would avoid all the problems - babysitter, eating times (and God knows what that is about - apparently they would all be far too hungry, but hell, have a snack late afternoon?!) but that's been rejected.

OP posts:
SkinnybitchWannabe · 08/05/2013 15:03

I would go with having a drink and chat with your friend.
Sounds so much more relaxing!

DiscoDonkey · 08/05/2013 15:03

Hmm think you might be a bit unreasonable, you said you couldn't do Tuesday but could do mon or wed so they chose Wednesday. Now you're not happy cause your dh can't be there even though you gave them Wednesday as an option?

Why can't the babysitter put the children to bed? Sorry I think it sounds like you want it all to fit in with you.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 08/05/2013 15:03

Ooh yes. Don't tell your family you're not coming. Stay home with your friend. Ignore the phone. With a bit of luck they'll all sit there for ages waiting for their main courses ... When they ask where you were, you can say "oh, you noticed, did you?". Grin

Or you could cancel the table at the restaurant, and stay home with your friend [warms to theme here]

Boomba · 08/05/2013 15:03

Equally though...you could have spoken up and said you wanted to do it Monday, so dh could attend

Is be fed up about them being unable to wait for me to eat. Is accept their suggestion if I wad late for the actual occasion. But ad it is, I can see it would make you feel a bit surplus. Is probably have a mini sulk and not go. Everyone would know why though Grin

aldiwhore · 08/05/2013 15:04

Agree with Exoticfruits.

My family are lovely, but they drip feed so that I always seem to be the one 'messing them around' when in fact, life would be easier of they just told me all the info in the first place.

DiscoDonkey · 08/05/2013 15:05

I can see I'm on my own though so am going to hide like a wimp! Aibu is not for the feint hearted

RooneyMara · 08/05/2013 15:06

I wouldn't go either.

Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:07

Thanks - already feeling better! I seriously thought there was something wrong with me, some sort of fault on the meanness radar or something!

I just don't really feel very included here. I have said so but my Mum says I should get a grip. I really, really don't understand the need to eat, though. Fair enough, they would prefer to eat a bit earlier, but then if you want the whole family there, you have to make adjustments. (Or not the whole family - not DH, and it's not something about him; he gets on well with all of them. And is a bit put out.)

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:07

Sorry - need to eat early!

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 08/05/2013 15:09

YANBU

Are you the only sibling with children?

I find it strange that a family meal is excluding your kids to be honest although I understand you probably want a night off anyway.

Stay at home with your good friend and have a bottle or three of wine and a nice take away.

Saltire · 08/05/2013 15:09

Could the babysitter not arrive early and put the Dcs to bed, so you can be there at the start of the meal??

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2013 15:10

I think there needs to be some compromise tbh.

The day has been chosen to suit you, maybe someone else can't do the time you want.

The whole thing can't revolve around you. There are other people to take into account.

Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:10

Donkey - welcoming all points of view. Smile
I hadn't really been given the choice - I was told it would be tuesday, so I said I couldn't do it. Then I was asked if I could get a babysitter for Weds instead; and I did. But nobody mentioned Monday as a possibility. DB arrived Monday lunchtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessOfWails · 08/05/2013 15:12

MaxPepsi that's a whole other AIBU! I am the only one with children. Well, except my mum and dad, of course.
DS is pg now though.
Weirdly this is seen as a last meal out for all of us before DS and BIL have a baby. But...I already have two. Confused

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2013 15:18

I agree with only 2 here - Why can't your friend put the children to bed?
I'm sure there's a good reason, just wondered?