to feel somewhat annoyed about this 'family' meal?

[PrincessOfWails]

My brother and his wife are visiting for the first time in a while, and mum and dad decided it would be good to have a family meal out.
Mum asked me whether I would be able to get a babysitter to join DB and DS and their other halves and mum and dad. Tuesday was the date decided on.
Couldn't get a babysitter for Tuesday, but could for Wednesday or Monday; Wednesday (today) was decided upon, despite the fact that my DH, who works away, is back at work.
I was told that if my babysitter was to cancel, then it would be more convenient for them to change back to Tuesday and I could just stay at home.
Now, it's been decided that eating after I've put the children to bed (I'll be done by 7.15, and can get there by around 7.45) is not convenient, so they will all arrive, order their food, and order my food as well, and then start eating their starters. When I turn up I can join them, and my starter will be waiting for me. (Dare I say it - cold?)
The original sharing of lift has been cancelled now because they all want to get to the restaurant before me, and I have to put the children to bed.

There are many things going on in my life atm so I think I might be a bit sensitive but I am feeling that this is a bit crappy really.
I have raised this - the fact that DH won't be there so selling it as a 'whole family together' thing is a bit erroneous - but I was told they assumed he wouldn't be around. Nobody asked him: if they had, he would have said he was around on Monday. As was everyone else.
I've also been told that they're bending over backwards to accommodate me - but I see it slightly differently, as all the decisions e.g. to eat earlier when I can't get there - are being made and presented to me as a fait accompli!
I'm now miffed because I feel like I'm going to be there on suffrance, arriving after the fun has started, when everybody is eating.
Am I being oversensitive?
Should I go or not?

How old are your children? If they want to eat earlier can't you take them with you?

It's hardly the end of the world for adults to wait until 8pm to eat.

This is why I no longer go for family meals out. There's always a bias towards one person's preferences - and it's never mine!

I think it'shard to arrange something where everyone is happy but still sounds like you are being sidelined, I'd meet up with the individuals separately on your own terms - far too many wonky dynamics flying around within an entire family tbh.

Oh I hadn't really considered my friend putting the kids to bed. She's got 3 of her own, and I thought it was a bit mean to give her my 2 instead, plus the little one (22 months) doesn't really know her. There might be a smidge of me feeling guilty about the family meal out without them as well: if there's this desperate need to eat early, go somewhere else and let my kids come too. They're not that awful! DS1 chatters endlessly but only when he's excited to see DB, DS and BIL.
DB and SIL have decided not to have children - they have a dog - and SIL doesn't seem that keen on children, and doesn't play with them or chat to them. Which is fine - each to their own.

This does actually highlight my need for a babysitter who can put them to bed. I had a lovely babysitter (from DS' nursery) but he left in October.

This is why I hate organising nights out full stop. It's so dificult trying to sort a date and time that is suitable for everyone. Then you always have those who turn up late and keep everyone else waiting

I agree with Bertha, however childish it may seem. Sounds like your parents have 'favourite' siblings at worst are toxic and uncaring/disrespectful, or at 'best' are just breathtakingly, embarrassingly self absorbed. You are-in their mind:

Supposed to A.) Allow them to order your food for you (WTAF?) and realise they're such thoughtful parents you have, or
B.) Not go and be bitched about being the drama queen who spoiled such a extra special and unrepeatable night [eyeroll] with your tantrums and how you're such a drama queen...

Ugh. People like this make me all chilly. All it ever does is escalate.

Oh, and never be annoyed they tell you when your DC settle because after all, they knowway better than you.

:| crickets chirp

I don't know enough about the subject to know if they're toxic or not, but they sure are rude and insistent!

Hm, inching towards staying at home. (It's tonight - the meal happens tonight)

Stay home.

Sod them. Stay in

I have a feeling when your dsis has her baby, all things will miraculously revolve around her children.

One of my DB's is due to move away soon due to DSIL job and it's not going to be easy for them to come 'home' as a family all that often. Therefore when they do - it will be the whole family for any family meals we have.

Do you get on with your brother? The meal is in his honour?
Just give him a ring and tell a little white lie the opinion of MN and that unfortunately you won't be able to make it after all. However considering they were going to start without you it won't make much difference anyway. I suspect he's not been told the full story by your mum.

MaxPepsi I agree - although of course DSis will do a better job than I'm doing. Better baby all round, etc.

I suspect this is something to do with DB - he's hardly said a word to me since he's been up. He and DS are close, and I have a feeling that Mum sort of made them include me because normally they go out just the four of them, and I've complained about being left out. But this is just as bad - being invited in the hope I don't come/set up obstacles... It all makes me so miserable.

Must go to get the boys - will report back, but won't be for a while.

Thanks all!

YANBU. I wouldn't go. How weird. Do they have a track record of trying to put you in your place? They sound a bit like my (toxic) family.

I'd run in late to the meal, scoff my diiner at lightning speed, make my excuses and flee home again, smiling sweetly at them all the while.

You get a dinner they pay for (as you have left before the bill arrives) and still get to have a glass or two with your babysitting friend.

Your last post sounds like you have found the problem, with your DB and DS usually going out without you. Why is that do you know? Is it because you have children?

Personally I think they are being deliberately obstructive. I don't see why they can't wait half an hour for their food FFS, they are adults.

I second phoning them once they have started (and ordered yours) to tell them you have had second thoughts and you aren't going to come when you clearly aren't wanted there.

Urggh... what a shit situation.

I have 3 brothers, I get left out of things but then I'm the only girl so it doesn't bother me a lot of the time.

Your situation would though.

I obviously don't know your family, but I wonder if the choice your DB and SIL made to not have kids was actually a choice or if they can't have kids and are jealous of you.

I really hope you stay in and have a nice night with friend.

No way would I go speaks from bitter experience. They'll finish their food before you get there, then they'll all sit there watching you trying to force down congealed cold food. You'll feel resentful - they're all adults, wtf can't they hang on for half an hour.

Been there, done that on family holidays. After 3 children I've finally grown a pair and put a stop to any potential situations that could lead to this. Its not worth it.

Aww, don't be staying in feeling miserable. Have a good time with your friend and work on feeling sorry for your poor, self-centred family. How dreadful to be the way they are.

And next time any of them needs a favour, refer them to each other.

Sounds so like my late DM!

TBH, things did not get better, and did, indeed, revolve around DS's DC when they arrived.

My advice would be not to put yourself out unless you are sure that you are not going to feel resentful in the future (when the same will not be done for you). Also, make sure you maintain your own family relationships and contacts, and they are not being maintained through your mother.

Ring your mother and say that it is obviously too complicated to accommodate you and tell her to have a nice evening with DB.

Ring DB, seperately (no discussion with mum) and say you are sorry you couldn't come but it not easy for you at the moment with the DC and DH away. Tell them you are dying to see them and to come over for a cup of tea and cake (in the morning?) and see the children. Don't discuss the why's and wherefores - just say that is how it is and have done with it.

Having posted earlier about getting friend to put dcs to bed heres what i would do (but i bear grudges and can br bloody awkward when i want) - i would get friend to do bedtime, turn up on time and stay to the bitter end. Because i think it would piss them off a lot.

I think YBalittleU. It sounds like you had input into arranging the first day (Tuesday) and then you were the one to cancel that. It sounds like you feel that your family should have then defaulted to Monday, as your partner isn't available on the Wednesday. You also need to specify the exact time too (which is quite late). Yes, it feels crappy to think of them not caring whether your starter is cold, but they have definitely tried to work around you. Some people can't eat later or are miserable if they're eating later. They won't be occupied in the early evenings so would maybe just be sitting around with rumbling tummies. Maybe they don't feel like doing that and think you could skip a starter for the greater good. I could understand that point of view.

It would be a shame if you got into the habit of assuming everyone can fit around you because you're the one with little people. I have one and know how it looks from this side of the fence (similar situation when DBs were home). Other people consider themselves very busy too, especially when there are relatives home and a lot going on besides seeing you. And now, when you do go, it sounds like you will be narked, which will probably come across as unreasonably demanding.

And you are definitely not entitled to having your family eat a takeaway rather than go out for a meal! Think of your poor mum! She's probably been cooking all weekend and would now like a treat!

Some of the suggestions here are ridiculous. Don't listen to advice that strokes your sense of entitlement and encourages revenge. Or if you do, and you're quite happy to act in a manipulative, antagonistic way, I don't think you should go. No family deserves being treated like that.

I agree that it was hurtful for your mum to tell you that if the babysitter cancels they'll just change it back to Tuesday. That was hurtful and I'd raise it with her pleasantly. For everything else...the world does not revolve around you. You chose to have kids and generally speaking that means you have to take the hit. That's just the way it goes.

I wouldn't go. Not nice, but at least you're in control of the decision not to go, IYSWIM.

stopmoving - I think that tuesday was the daydecided on by everyone else but changed once OP was asked and couldn't make it (that was my reading anyway).

Having posted earlier about getting friend to put dcs to bed heres what i would do (but i bear grudges and can br bloody awkward when i want) - i would get friend to do bedtime, turn up on time and stay to the bitter end. Because i think it would piss them off a lot. me too saltire its clear they hoped you would not actually go for some reason. Do you actually all get on? why do they not want to include you? family should go all out for inclusion if they get on and tbh if its a whole family thing it should have been done when you all could go, including kids.

If you said you can't get a babysitter on Tuesday but could on Monday or Wednesday, then they are not being unreasonable to make the day Wednesday.

However this is completely blown into irrelevance by the fact that a bunch of adults have to be eating by 7.30. Wtf? What kind of disgusting savages can't toy with the olive from their martini for half a fucking hour? I can't bear people like that. It is babyish and ungracious and completely not in the spirit of a sociable meal. Don't go, there will be no point as you will turn up and be unable to converse with the row of grunting pigs with noses in the trough.

Alternatively you may as well make it 6pm in TFI Friday and bring your children, it will be more fun and couldn't be any less elegant.