To say NO to this?

[CocacolaMum]

OH and I live with our 12yr old DS and 7yr old DD near to my family. We often attend my families functions with the children and they are always (ish) well behaved..

OH's aunt died last week prematurely (she was 54) and OH has asked me to arrange for the children to have a day off school to be able to attend her funeral at which he will be a pallbearer. I have said that I think its a bad idea. He is not happy and is of the opinion that they are his kids too and if he wants them there then they should be.

The funeral is a good 3 hr drive away and is to be held at 3pm. By the time we have sat through the service and attended the wake we probably won't leave before 6pm making us late home for the children to be up and fresh for school the following day. All of this in my opinion would be fine (its a one off) IF the children had any idea of who this aunt was!! They met her once about 5 yrs ago so I just think it would be fully inappropriate to expect them to attend especially as they will be the only children there.

I don't want my OH to feel unsupported though and have said that I have no objection to asking my SIL whether she will pick the children up from school and give them dinner so that I can attend with OH. It will still mean a late night of course but at least they will be spending it playing rather than trying to be sombre at a funeral which tbh they have little emotional connection to (ie they will see their gran and dad upset but that's about it?)

AIBU?

AIBU is no fun when both sides are entirely reasonable

Personally I think it is good for children to attend funerals but understand other have very different views - each to their own

But I think yabu - dh is their father and if he thinks they should why should this not be important? And this day will be much more educational than a day at school.

Mums net seems brilliant at showing how mums know best - then complaining dads aren't involved enough

There's no way I'd take kids to a funeral if it wasn't someone they'd known well and needed to say "goodbye" to.

Your OH's aunt was young to die, so there will be a lot of distress, different from that at the funeral of an elderly grandparent. Seeing adults crying is scary for kids in my opinion.

And it's such a long drive - tedious journey there, miserable experience, then tedious journey back from the children's point of view.

I went to several funerals as a child - lost all but one of my grandparents between ages 9 and 17, and my brother at age 19. Funerals are not a valuable life experience. For a child they are at best tedious and confusing, and at worst downright traumatic. Best to avoid them until it's really necessary.

What do your dc think especially your 12yo? What are the opinions of the the aunts immediate family?

My dnana died when I was 9 I went to the wake but not the funeral.
Mydgrandad died when I was 12 and I went to the funeral.

I think the reason why I didn't go to the my dgms funeral was before I think my mum thought that A) I wouldn't really understand it and B) My dgf wanted to be comfortable and be unpest at the funeral and if i was there he wasn't sure that he would be able to. Hope that makes sense. Also my then just 8 yo cousin also didn't go to that funeral.

I think that is a good outcome for everyone.

I hope everything goes ok.

@ notyo

Democracy in progress in your family OP :)