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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say NO to this?

81 replies

CocacolaMum · 07/05/2013 11:32

OH and I live with our 12yr old DS and 7yr old DD near to my family. We often attend my families functions with the children and they are always (ish) well behaved..

OH's aunt died last week prematurely (she was 54) and OH has asked me to arrange for the children to have a day off school to be able to attend her funeral at which he will be a pallbearer. I have said that I think its a bad idea. He is not happy and is of the opinion that they are his kids too and if he wants them there then they should be.

The funeral is a good 3 hr drive away and is to be held at 3pm. By the time we have sat through the service and attended the wake we probably won't leave before 6pm making us late home for the children to be up and fresh for school the following day. All of this in my opinion would be fine (its a one off) IF the children had any idea of who this aunt was!! They met her once about 5 yrs ago so I just think it would be fully inappropriate to expect them to attend especially as they will be the only children there.

I don't want my OH to feel unsupported though and have said that I have no objection to asking my SIL whether she will pick the children up from school and give them dinner so that I can attend with OH. It will still mean a late night of course but at least they will be spending it playing rather than trying to be sombre at a funeral which tbh they have little emotional connection to (ie they will see their gran and dad upset but that's about it?)

AIBU?

OP posts:

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/05/2013 13:24

Plus the OP herself says

" We often attend my families functions with the children " - well this is one of his family functions he wants the children to attend. So as long as the kids are ok with it, they should go.

digerd · 07/05/2013 13:25

My Auntie died when I was 21, none of us adult children were at the funeral - it was not expected and we would have dreaded it if forced to go.

I was 5 when GM died and my DB 8, but we were not at the funeral

DF died when my 2 DNs were junior school age and SIS said it was not suitable for them to be there - too traumatically sad.

KansasCityOctopus · 07/05/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SusanneLinder · 07/05/2013 14:35

A funeral is not a NON emergency day ffs.Does your school REALLY REALLY expect people to be able to give notice of dying.(has visions of grieving families asking for life support machines to be kept on to suit a bloody school) I have never ever heard such utter tosh in my entire life. Not doubting what you were told by the school, but I have had many many years experience of schools, as I have 3 kids and my youngest is 14, and I would be having a word with someone in the school that actually has the school brain cell. Especially if they were teaching my kids!!!! How can an aunt be non emergency?

My uncle died last year and had absolutley no issue with taking my 14 year old for the day to attend the funeral. Holidays, fair enough-but a funeral. It actualy beggars belief that anyone could be so bloody stupid to think these things are planned.

And for the record, for something like that I wouldnt be asking "permission", they would be bloody told, and thats it.

Sorry rant over, at stupid jobsworths. :o

Original poster

CocacolaMum · 07/05/2013 14:39

thank you for your replies.

Its not their first funeral sadly. My OH's father passed away when DS was 7 and he attended then and DD who was only just 2 joined us for the wake. I felt that was appropriate because DS knew his grandad well, they both attended my grans funeral to whom they were both VERY close a couple of years ago because they both wanted to say goodbye and knew every single person there and on both occasions they were a welcome distraction I think.

I think to OH it is about it being his family and I absolutely understand that, I am a little annoyed because I have spent a long time encouraging OH to make arrangements for us to visit that side of our family but he just hasn't seen it as especially important (his nan is very elderly and could not make the journey to us and I would like for the children to see her - they have only really ever met her once) and to the poster who quoted "for better or for worse" I completely agree - but those vows are ones that my husband and I took, not our children. I have made it clear that I am of course happy to go and support him.

OP posts:

KansasCityOctopus · 07/05/2013 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 14:42

Let me put it this way. If it were a funeral for a member of your family and you strongly wanted your children to attend, how would you feel if he said no?

Original poster

CocacolaMum · 07/05/2013 14:48

If it was someone they didn't know I wouldn't take them. Especially if they only knew 1 other person who would be in attendance.

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/05/2013 14:51

I think YANBU OP. At 7 I think your youngest is too young to go to funerals at all. I'm not so sure about the 12 year old. I'd probably leave it to them if it was someone they were close to but probably would feel the same as you if they were not very close.

SusanneLinder · 07/05/2013 14:58

People really are assholes where compassionate leave from work/school are concerned.

Completely agree. If my DD's school had been arsey, I would have reminded them about how they organise "educational" trips to Disneyland Paris/ and Alton Towers.

Of course, they could argue that its a Physics lesson in calculating the speed and force of Oblivion. :o

Sorry-thread drift. Agree witk Pickledgingers comment above

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 15:00

No, that's what you would do with regard to funerals. What I'm trying to day is how would you feel if you thought it was totally appropriate to take them somewhere for an occasion that mattered a great deal to you and your DH said no.

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 15:01

For whatever reasons, it seems to matter a great deal to your DH.

badguider · 07/05/2013 15:23

My opinion is that it's your partner's sister (i think?) and he wants his partner and own children to accompany him. The children are not missing any big exams, or travelling to another country or even overnight.... So I would say that his wishes should override your feelings that it's maybe 'not worth it' and that it wouldn't be your choice.

Bramshott · 07/05/2013 15:42

I can see your views, but I don't think you get to say "NO" do you - I mean they are as much your DH's children as they are yours. You need to discuss it with him and agree a way forward.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/05/2013 15:44

Well in all fairness, as you know they would cope ok with a funeral, given that they have been to one already and your OH really wants them there then yes, you should let them go.

Sorry, I thought the reason you were against this was because they hadn't been to one before.

CecilyP · 07/05/2013 16:43

No, it's not OP partner's sister; it is his aunt, the children's great aunt and a complete stranger to them. I can't really see that the school would be OK with it either; after all, with 4 grandparents, many children could have a large number of great aunts and uncles.

OP, does your DH give any reason why he particularly wants the children to go?

Sirzy · 07/05/2013 17:15

But what do your children want to do? It is their relative so they should be able to decide how they mourn them.

SacreBlue · 07/05/2013 18:24

It is all relative (no pun intended) some of my cousins and uncles were practically the same age/v close. My son was close with my DPs neighbour. When his friends granda died the school didn't object to the time off and that was not a blood relative at all.

Children mature at different ages and of course we all have different cultural values/beliefs etc so all we can really give is our opinion on what we might do.

I thought it was important for my DS to attend his GGP wake for example and view the body to say goodbye (wake in my DP home no tenants involved) but this would not be for everyone at all or at the age he was.

Reading the aunts age and that your DP is a pall bearer that suggested to me he was close, but even if not really, he is the children's other parent so it is a joint decision I would imagine (unilateral dictator lone parent speaking)

EndoplasmicReticulum · 07/05/2013 19:11

YANBU.

They didn't know her, they will miss a day of school and have to sit through a long journey.

I went to my grandfather's funeral last week and didn't take mine (6 and 8) for the same reasons.

olgaga · 07/05/2013 19:19

But what do your children want to do? It is their relative so they should be able to decide how they mourn them.

Not sure I'd bother asking them. They didn't know her so they're hardly going to be mourning her.

"You need to make a decision about how you will mourn your auntie".

"What auntie?"

I really don't see why your DH thinks it's necessary. He was so bothered about this aunt he couldn't be arsed to arrange to see her while she was alive - despite encouragement from the OP.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 07/05/2013 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMook · 07/05/2013 19:48

Why haven't they met the aunt? If it's distance/ lack of opportunities then this is a chance to connect with their family, especially if the relatives are at the life stage where there's few occasions like weddings and Christenings to draw people together.

I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral at 5- my mum's not a fan of children at funerals. That meant the first one I went to was my dad's at 11. A few years later a teacher died at school and I was chosen to represent my year group. I didn't know the teacher. It wasn't until the coach pulled up at the church that it turned out it was the same church that my dad's had been at. It was odd to be at that funeral and stirred up memories of my dad's, but not distressing in a damaging way.

Generally you can end up at funerals of people you barely know- llast year we went to our neighour's as he'd become ill shortly after we moved in. We went to support his wife whom we'd had more chance to get to know.

I think it's appropriate for the DCs to go, or at least be offered the chance, especially as it's important to DH.

Original poster

CocacolaMum · 07/05/2013 21:59

thanks for your replies, OH came home from work tonight and we sat and chatted about it. I said that if it was important to him to have us all there then I would contact the school - he said having thought about it he thinks it would be a bit silly to drag them across the country when they will only really know us and maybe 1 other person there, the only reason hes pallbearer is because there are a limited number of suitable people in his family so SIL will look after the kids and I will go with him.

I have said I think we ought to make time to travel there in the summer to see the rest of his family in happier circumstance to which he has agreed

OP posts:

WafflyVersatile · 07/05/2013 22:08

No no. That's not how threads are meant to go. You should be contacting a divorce lawyer by now!

Glad you talked and resolved it.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/05/2013 22:37

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