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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say NO to this?

81 replies

CocacolaMum · 07/05/2013 11:32

OH and I live with our 12yr old DS and 7yr old DD near to my family. We often attend my families functions with the children and they are always (ish) well behaved..

OH's aunt died last week prematurely (she was 54) and OH has asked me to arrange for the children to have a day off school to be able to attend her funeral at which he will be a pallbearer. I have said that I think its a bad idea. He is not happy and is of the opinion that they are his kids too and if he wants them there then they should be.

The funeral is a good 3 hr drive away and is to be held at 3pm. By the time we have sat through the service and attended the wake we probably won't leave before 6pm making us late home for the children to be up and fresh for school the following day. All of this in my opinion would be fine (its a one off) IF the children had any idea of who this aunt was!! They met her once about 5 yrs ago so I just think it would be fully inappropriate to expect them to attend especially as they will be the only children there.

I don't want my OH to feel unsupported though and have said that I have no objection to asking my SIL whether she will pick the children up from school and give them dinner so that I can attend with OH. It will still mean a late night of course but at least they will be spending it playing rather than trying to be sombre at a funeral which tbh they have little emotional connection to (ie they will see their gran and dad upset but that's about it?)

AIBU?

OP posts:
ExRatty · 07/05/2013 12:24

I would take the children if a partner requested their presence.
A funeral isn't a mystery and it's fine for children to see emotion and understand death

KansasCityOctopus · 07/05/2013 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 07/05/2013 12:28

Do they want to go?

If their father really wants them to attend, I'd say yes. It's one day, and it obviously means a lot to him if he's a pallbearer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2013 12:28

This isn't about how close the Aunt was specifically to the DCs it's about connecting with the DH's family. No-one else pick up on that? Living three hours away it's clear that the DH's family get less time with the DCs compared to the OP's family. I have a similar set-up involving distance making it difficult to retain all the connections. He wants them to participate in 'his' family event. I think that's the significance here.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/05/2013 12:30

Cognito has it spot on.

My aunt and uncle lived about 3 hours drive from us and when he died it was very very important to me and to my wider family that I and my children were there.

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 12:31

So you potentially distress the children for the sake of an adult "wanting them to participate in his family event"? Hmm I don't think so!

Sorry, that's harsh, and of no help to the OP. Or then again, maybe it's food for thought. It's just the way I see it.

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 12:36

Funerals are just as much family events as weddings. It's important to your DH. Some of these responses would be more appropriate if your DC were 2 and 7. At 12 and 7 they can understand that their Dad's Aunt has died and this is a service for the family to say goodbye.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2013 12:36

I don't see why it would be distressing personally. Family is everything, good and bad, not just the weddings and birthday parties. I think you are being harsh

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 12:39

It's also easier to be introduced to death and funerals when it's not someone they were especially close to.

ExRatty · 07/05/2013 12:41

children aren't made of some type of brittle glass, they won't be broken by seeing this.
death is and emotion is normal and natural
equally allowing the children to witness their gm or father's sadness weeping or grieving isn't a bad thing at all.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/05/2013 12:43

Also agreeing with Cognito family is in sickness and in health, not just the nice bits and the good stuff.

WestieMamma · 07/05/2013 12:43

There were loads of kids at my Dad's funeral. They weren't distressed. Some of the older ones were sad during the service but wake was just like any other large family gathering (ie lots of food, laughing, floor sliding, and running away squealing from Uncle D who kept jumping out on them from behind doors/under tables etc)

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/05/2013 12:44

And I think the older generation can get a comfort from the fact that the kids are there - life goes on and all that.

Illustrationaddict · 07/05/2013 12:46

I'm not one for children at funerals generally, unless perhaps they are really close to the deceased. I would probably not take them myself.

WilsonFrickett · 07/05/2013 12:50

Death is part of life. It won't be a pleasant experience, neither will it scar them or set up a phobia - FGS I was singing at every funeral in our church from the age of 5. And YY Cogito - family isn't just birthday parties and weddings.

As for 'school won't give permission' Shock that they wouldn't and Shock that anyone would care, really.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/05/2013 12:59

But you can't say that because you were ok at a funeral all other kids will be.

Like I said before, I was affected big time as a kid when I went to my first funeral at the age of 10.

My DS knows about death - he has in his 10 short years lose his grandad, both his nans and now his uncle. He doesn't need to attend a funeral to learn about death and he has seen enough tears to make a river. No way do I want him being affected like I was. If he wants to go then maybe I would re-think and let him do so, but I really don't think he will want to.

SusanneLinder · 07/05/2013 13:01

its not immediate family and there is not enough notice.

Yes-lets all ask dying people to give us all notice of their imminent demise-eh? :o A funeral is a thing that most schools will not hesitate in giving permission for.

Op- your kids are 7 and 12-not toddlers. And out of respect for your OH's aunt and the fact that he wants the children to go, then IMO they should go.

pickledginger · 07/05/2013 13:03

And you can't say that this child won't be ok because you weren't. I was very glad that I'd been to a funeral before my Grandma died when I was 10. It threw me enough without it being the first time I'd seen a coffin.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/05/2013 13:04

No you can't....it depends totally on the child.

coppertop · 07/05/2013 13:05

I don't think it's fair to have the children there just so that they can support an adult or make the rest of the family feel better.

And if your OH so desperately wants them there, why isn't he arranging the time off for them?

JenaiMorris · 07/05/2013 13:10

The school issue is a red herring - these children have met her once, when they were what - 7 and 2? Assuming they've not had regular contact since (phone calls, letters), they barely know who she is!

I wouldn't expect the children to go for that reason alone, unless they themselves wanted to.

It is unfair of your partner to insist on their attendance.

notso · 07/05/2013 13:11

I think it should be the children's decision. My Grandpa died recently and I gave my 12 year old the choice of whether to attend or not, she wanted to go.
I decided not to ask my 8 yo but only because he has issues with change in routine and large groups and I knew he would have had a meltdown.

Maggie111 · 07/05/2013 13:11

Yabu OP - the kids should go.

olgaga · 07/05/2013 13:17

I can't imagine why the DH wants his children to attend a funeral of someone they barely knew.

I can think of far better ways to "connect with the DH's family", if that's being put forward as a good reason to go.

My DD attended her GMs funerals when she was 4, then 5. But it meant something to her to say goodbye to them.

An aunt the family haven't seen for 5 years? I don't think that's the same thing at all.

Most people would not expect young children or distant relatives to attend the funeral of someone they weren't close to.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/05/2013 13:21

Does it have to be a logical, rational decision when it comes to a funeral though? I'd have thought it was more likely to be an emotive one that couldn't be logically explained.