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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told DH I wanted him to come home?

20 replies

DoctorRobert · 04/05/2013 18:48

I am a sahm to our dd, 2 years old. DH works Mon to Fri so am alone with her during the week.

DH plays cricket on a Sat, first game today. I have had an extremely difficult day with dd (constant tantrums, refusing to eat, standard toddler stuff but makes you feel like you're losing it especially when you're pre menstrual)

anyway. he rang a while ago to say they'd finished playing, but he was going to go for a drink. I'm at the end of my tether though and said I wanted him to come home. I may have also sworn and hung up on him

AIBU?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 04/05/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/05/2013 18:50

YANBU because I know how I feel on those days and i'm just praying for Ex to finish work and pick DD up.

Sympathies

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged · 04/05/2013 18:51

Yanbu.

BeanoNoir · 04/05/2013 18:55

I think if you really need someone, yanbu to ask. I think my dh would rather I was honest and asked him to come back if I was really struggling, than struggle on my own. Would he be able to go back out for a drink after dd is in bed? Or meet friends later in the week? As long as you also get time to go out/relax/socialise/ have a break from being a sahm then I think it's nice to try and arrange for him to have this time another time.

Only thing is I wouldn't swear or get angry at my dh about it. As well as it not being a great way to communicate with someone you love, it might make him feel reluctant or like he's doing you a favour, rather than the reasonable request it is.

If I asked my dh if he could come home because I was really struggling and he said no, I'm going for a drink anyway, that's when I'd be hurt, angry or pissed off.

littlepeas · 04/05/2013 19:01

YANBU! Will this now be every Saturday until the Autumn? All day and into the evening? My dad used to do this, except substitute cricket for tennis, and we never saw him as kids (he often played Sundays as well). He really regrets it now.

BeanoNoir · 04/05/2013 19:15

God yeah, if it's every Saturday I wouldn't like that. Cricket's an all day thing and that's not very fair on you. Weekends are mostly to spend together as a family imo.

TheSecondComing · 04/05/2013 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyFocaccia · 04/05/2013 19:19

YANBU. I think we have all had those days weeks, months

LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2013 19:21

Yanbu

But you need a better plan. Why don't you go to the cricket next time? If he's bowling there's a lot of standing about when he could be playing in the nets with dd.

And you could be drinking beer.

Mnetter111 · 04/05/2013 19:23

Yanbu, dd is 2.5 and there are just some days where nothing you do...

Finola1step · 04/05/2013 19:54

Mmm.. And when do you get the equivalent child free time that your DP gets for cricket? All day Sunday? Most of it? None?

dreamingbohemian · 04/05/2013 19:56

If you're on your own all week, I think your DH is quite selfish to take up a hobby that has him out all day and missing half the weekend as well.

helenthemadex · 04/05/2013 20:01

Yanbu to say you want him to come home but yabu to have sworn at him, he did have the decency to ring you and its not his fault dd has chosen today while he was not there to be difficult

YummyCalpol · 04/05/2013 20:02

YANBU. My DH used to play cricket every saturday and tbh I got totally pissed off with being alone with the kids all day, every Saturday, until around midnight once he rolled back from the pub. It irked me how he just used to assume that I would provide childcare, no questions asked, and then would leave a filthy cricket kit in his cricket bag all week and expect me to rush around washing it for him on Friday whilst he was at work. He also used to go off on stag weekends a lot, again leaving me to do all the childcare.

The changing factor for us was when I decided to take back the same amount of time for myself, almost minute for minute, leaving him to pick up the slack at home. If he was out from, say, 12pm until 11pm on the Saturday I would then go out shopping on the Sunday, and stay out for 6 hours or so, then maybe go to the cinema twice during the following week. And I'd literally go out the second he walked in the door, leaving him to make tea for the DCs etc, just like he expected me to when he was doing his hobbies. If he did cricket nets practice on a Friday night as short notice that was fine, but again I would take that time back for myself.

It's funny because after a while of me doing that, without even spelling it out to him particularly why I was doing it, he stopped doing his hobbies so much. He stopped going on stag weekends. And cricket became a once a month game rather than each week. I think he realised he was taking the piss, and by doing the same as him I showed him I wasn't prepared to be a doormat to accommodate his social life.

Saidar · 04/05/2013 20:44

I think you are being a bit (but understandably) unreasonable.

DP stays at home and I work out of the home. I have more of a social life. (swimming with work friends etc) If I'd rang to say I'd be late as I wanted to have a drink with friends I'd rather be asked to come home as he was having a rough day than sworn at or hung up on.

That said I assuming there's an equal division of work and leisure when you're both in the home. If not then YANBU at all.

SquinkiesRule · 04/05/2013 20:52

That was brilliant YummyCalpol Glad he figured it out.
My Dh unfortunately, or fortunately has no social life, so when he fancies doing something I have no problem, he stays with Dd a lot while I do stuff so I probably owe him a lot of hours.

CarpeDiemCras · 04/05/2013 21:09

YANBU

I never understood this and I have no DC as yet.

My fiancée doesn't have weekend hobbies that take up that amount of time because we both travel a shedload (especially me) and we have a lot of ongoing work on our house.

DP does have a hobby than can encroach into weekends, but we both understand that means he does more through the week and that we try to get equal leisure (as far as possible, without delaying our house renovations).

I know it's not the same as DC at all, because we can leave a shit tip if we so desire, but the respect and negotiation element is the same. We try to help each other out.

Do you get the same?

Original poster

DoctorRobert · 04/05/2013 23:02

thanks all. glad that a lot said yanbu!

he only plays every other Saturday since we had dd (at my request - he would still play every week if he could)

I don't get any equivalent leisure time. basically look after dd 24 7.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 04/05/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saidar · 04/05/2013 23:20

I don't get any equivalent leisure time. basically look after dd 24 7.

Then I take back what I said earlier. YANBU.

Both partners should have an equal amount of leisure time, otherwise you're just working a 168 hour week. If one works in the home and one works out both have to understand it's work, regardless of whether you wear a suit or a wage is paid.

Do you think maybe you have come across to your DH as cross about the drink when really it's more about the situation as a whole? If he thinks you're just cross about the drink and a bad day will he assume that just not having the drink in future makes it all ok?

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