For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

[Thingiebob]

I'm with Maryz. She is a new mother who has probably been told not to pick up her child constantly. Why do people have to pile in and be so fucking horrid to a woman who is already distressed and upset.

[GoingUpInTheWorld]

Looking back at ops other threads, shes not a young mother as i thought she was, shes actually 36 years old and her dh is a year younger.

That has really surprised me

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Sorry Maryz but I'm also young and a first time mum with pnd.

And I am absolutely going to judge anyone who can sit and eat a meal whilst listening to the cries of their baby and deliberately ignoring them.

There is no excuse.

[KentuckyFriedChildren]

I reported the thread too Maryz

I in no way support the way the op has behaved but there is no need for all the abuse. There is no reason not to be civil in your replies folks

[Wingdingdong]

Also with your MIL. Since she's offering to hold your baby, take full advantage of that and do shifts at mealtimes...

This stage doesn't last long, you've got maybe another 6-8 weeks or so until your baby is sitting up in a highchair at mealtimes and will play happily with something (maybe even start eating something) at the same time as you.

I do think your MIL may well have a point about being hungry. Both mine were BF until 1yo and neither could have gone 4hrs between feeds at 4m, it was more like 2-2.5hrs. By 6m we'd stretched to three hours (and two meals a day), by 7m they were both on three meals a day plus two snacks and BFing first thing, 9am before nap, 12.30ish after lunch and before nap, 4ish before late afternoon nap and then again at bedtime. That was the closest we got to a BF feeding schedule, once solids were introduced. Until then, we tried to arrange our meals around the baby's needs, i.e. I'd feed the baby whilst the food was in the oven so s/he had just been fed when our meal was ready, and more likely to sleep or happy to be held by somebody else.

It's not about milk supply though, but about how much your baby's tummy can hold and how quickly it's digested. I never had a problem with supply (donated to milk bank too), but my DC were definitely hungry!

[Signet2012]

Sometimes though you think you are doing right and you are wrong.

God knows I've made some mistakes in the last 7 months.

I just thought a bit of support but educating the op would be a better approach than to call her names and suggest adoption.

[NulliusInBlurba]

LookingForwardtoMarch I've reported every comment you've made on this thread for being pretty disgusting personal attacks on someone who sounds quite vulnerable. I certainly don't agree with leaving your baby to cry (and didn't do so with either of mine, ended up losing quite a bit of weight from so many missed meals) but what the heck do you think you are going to achieve by calling someone a terrible mother repeatedly? Shame on you.

[FourLittleDudes]

I have 4 children, including an almost 2 year old and a 13 week old.

I am also a single parent, so having the option to ask someone else hold, wind or entertain my baby for me whilst I cook, clean, shower or eat isn't an option for me - but I still wouldn't leave my baby to cry. Things in my house quite often don't get done and its rather messy, I tend to eat luke warm dinner one handed, I shower when he sleeps - which is usually at 10pm as he doesn't sleep during the day very much as the toddler insists on waking him up etc. I also try and clean up at night too. It doesn't always happen that way though.

Do you get much support from your mil and DH? Maybe you could take it in turns to hold your baby whilst you eat. I find a sling really helpful whilst cooking, my baby likes to face out wards so he can see what I'm doing (obviously depending on what I'm cooking, no spitting pans etc) or sometimes I go for a quick walk whilst dinner is cooking and he dozes off in the pushchair.

I know its frustrating and you want to get your life back to how it was before you had a child - but part of being a parent is accepting that that life is gone, you don't come first anymore. Its a lot to get your head round and its a cliche but the time really does go so quick and you don't want to look back and regret not making the most of these precious baby weeks.

Although if I'm really desperate for 5 minutes then baby motzart on YouTube buys me enough time to have a poo in peace

[pouffepants]

The thing about routines is ringing bells. I'm pretty sure I was told to get them in a routine. That meant that they were left to cry sometimes.

I'm a little upset that it appears that I was awful to my kids, but I knew no better. It felt totally normal, and as I said I certainly didn't have emotional or physical response.

If something feels normal to you, then it just is normal, and you would feel no need to question it. I guess I would only have questioned on it, if someone pulled me up, which no-one ever did.

[acceptableinthe80s]

Op, i think maybe your expectations of having a meal in peace are a tad unrealistic. I was a single parent and pretty much only ate things that could be eaten with one hand for months.
Top Tip: cut your food up into bite size pieces before sitting down then you only need one hand and can have baby on knee.
Alternatively just eats 10 minutes before/after your dp.

[YoniMeKateMumsnet]

Afternoon all,

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention.

We'd like to remind everyone that the raison d'etre of Mumsnet is to help and support each other.

We'll be going through this thread and deleting personal attacks - here's a reminder of our talk guidelines.

As ever, please do report individual posts you'd like us to look at.

[BruthasTortoise]

Routine was the order of the day for years. I'm fairly certain my mum was told to wrap us up and put us outside, alone, in our prams from we were newborns so she could get on with her housework. I'm actually not surprised the OP is a slightly older first time mum, if she's following the standard advice she would've grown up with it would make sense. Still not right since we know better now but hardly a hanging offence.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Nullius looking back fair enough I've been harsh.

Just found this thread v.upsetting

But she isnt half as vulnerable as that baby is. She is 36 and even with pnd should know better.

I stand by the jist of my posts, just not how I worded yhem.

[pouffepants]

Why would she know better?

[BruthasTortoise]

Mob mentality Maryz.

[Sirzy]

Age doesn't matter, you could be an 18 year old who is a natural who has had lots of experience or a 40 year old with no experince of children and who isnt a 'natural'

[TenaciousOne]

So many people seriously don't leave their baby to cry? Unless you all have maids, I can't see how you would be able to shower, cook food, do the laundry etc.

Nope I didn't leave my DS to cry when he was that age. I still don't now he is 22 months, we try to talk to him. At 4 months, when I needed a shower he was in a seat and I knew I had 5 minutes to be done. My DH would hold him at the weekends so I could have a longer shower. Cooking food was harder, we had easier food to cook, something that I could put on to simmer. Lots of stews .

YABU, I couldn't sit and enjoy my meal with any baby crying.

[ImNotCute]

Op, if you've walked away from this thread I don't blame you, some people have been very harsh with you.

Please don't take it to heart but learn from it and move on. It's hard to know what to do when there is so much conflicting childcare advice out there. I'm sure every mum has made at least one parenting choice they later regretted, none of us are perfect.

[meglet]

Why can't the rest of the family pick him up? We used to take it in turns to jiggle a crying baby at mealtimes.

FWIW I left mine to cry if I needed the loo, and I have IBS so can be gone for 10 mins a few times a day. So it's not the end of the world.

Routines aren't a bad thing. DS cried a lot less when he was in a routine as I didn't have a clue what I was doing without one.

[Exhaustipated]

The OP is being unreasonable, I think we've established that. But perhaps she's depressed, confused, exhausted?

Those who had sank as low as to screech 'you bad mother' (I quote) better have a bloody good excuse for being so vile and going against everything Mumsnet stands for.

[GruffaloAteMySocks]

YABU. I'd never ignore my three month old DD and leave her to cry, even if I know it's for attention. She's a tiny baby who wants her Mummy and wouldn't understand why I'm ignoring her.

[PeneloPeePitstop]

Fine, misinterpret my posts all you like.
Fact of the matter is that a baby that young does not cry to manipulate its parents. When they're that small some need has to be met. If that's simply to be held then its not going to 'spoil' the child.

I'm not saying the OP is doing this out of malice, perhaps she has PND - but to be regularly ignoring a tiny child's cries for your own convenience is wrong.

Sorry if previous posts come across as unsympathetic. Perhaps the OP objecting so strongly to a RL individual trying to help got my hackles up a bit.

Funnily enough I am sympathetic. I had a screamer for six months, but that was in spite of attempts to stop it and I don't feel that's the case from the OP's posts.

[ChasedByBees]

Am going to try and be gentle with my YABU. I hugged my baby pretty much all the time - she either fed on demand or slept (only on me which I wouldn't recommend).

I bathed either when DH came home, when she was asleep or I got in the bath with her.

I ate cold sandwiches during the day or went to cafes (baby cafes sometimes provide a hot lunch - see if there's any in your area) and as soon as DH came home I passed her over and headed to the kitchen for some much needed time alone, even though I was cooking.

I didn't have a hot drink for about 6 months! That was one of the lovely things about returning to work - hot tea.

Housework didn't get done.

I would leave her in the cot if I needed to go to the bathroom. I'd sing nursery rhymes on the loo so she didn't cry so much. That is another luxury about being at work. Loo breaks.

I wouldn't change a thing (except I'd try and get her to sleep on her own in the cot earlier, that would have helped). I have an active 15mo who doesn't need me quite as much - she spends her days running circles round the room now so I can go and cook and do stuff. Not much, but some stuff. Yes it was hard and I felt I had been touched far too much by the time poor DH came home - I did not want hugs. It was such a short, short time to have to be there to that extent though.